4560 sats \ 36 comments \ @ek 7 Mar mostly_harmless

4_F4ll_GuY_0x01.md

------DISCLAIMER BEGIN------

This is something I originally wrote around the time I wrote that as you might guess while reading this.

I don't remember if I wrote this before or after, all I know is that I wrote a lot. Like really A LOT. I filled stacks of notes with all the things that I wanted to write about in some longer, more clever, inspiring and fun-to-read form at some point in my life. However, I wanted to do this without basically committing social suicide if it wasn't necessary. I took notes of everything I hate about the world and every single person in it. Didn't matter if I never met you, you're in this world and that was reason enough to tell you exactly how I feel about you.

In what I wrote, everyone except me was dead wrong about everything, doesn't matter whatever their position was. Even if it was my position, they were still wrong since it made sense to assume that if they were right, they were right for the wrong reasons. I felt like no one could see things like I do. No one would get me and certainly not "it". I felt like I must know everything now since I no longer even require sleep. I felt like I have ascended and it's lonely at the top. I almost convinced myself that I was Satoshi reincarnated but I just forgot. But it didn't matter since @WeAreAllSatoshi anyway, right? All of these feelings showed in my notes. Like really A LOT.

For hopefully obvious reasons, I sent the first draft to no one else but @DarthCoin. I needed someone to read over what I wrote so far and tell me I am not crazy. I felt like a genius and a madman at the same time and the coin to seal my fate as one or the other was still flipping in the air but it was coming down fast. Or if I was a goner I needed someone to tell me I am at least going out with a bang.

That's why people will remember my nym.

He didn't say I was not crazy but he liked what he read and wanted to read more. That was very encouraging but it was all I had though. Now, three months have passed since December 13, the Wednesday I sent @DarthCoin that first draft and it's still mostly all I have. Fortunately, I did send it to him since I wasn't able to find the draft on my machine anymore after this post from @siggy47 inspired me to finally publish it in its current form. So if I didn't do this, I would have nothing now. Coincidence? Probably but isn't it more fun to selectively believe in destiny? As long as you don't blast your mental diarrhea into the world wide web¹, or at least not under your nym?

Anyway, I didn't know if I was going to ever publish my feelings and let everyone know exactly what I think of them since it felt like I couldn't stop writing:

Would I have enough time in my life to ever finish writing? To finish my thoughts? Or would I die in the most ridiculous way possible tomorrow? Snuffed out like a candle with all my dreams and aspirations in an instant? No time to ask for pen and paper in my last moments? At least it would be fun and painless, I guess. But would anyone care if one more light goes out? Would I care?

Whatever I did, there was always something I needed to write down RIGHT NOW. And that never seemed to be code.

During this time, I was literally afraid that I would forget the most important epiphanies I had—or what felt like epiphanies in the moments. I was afraid that I would lose this new perspective on life that I gained by involuntarily not being able to sleep for days. I was afraid that I would just slip into my old ways sooner or later. Maybe that was the most important reason why I couldn't sleep: Deep inside, I had this primordial fear that I would wake up and everything would be normal as in SNAFU again. Like a bad trip ending except the bad trip starts right where it left off.

I think at the end, I only got 6 hours of sleep during the week. I remember this since I mentioned this between a lot of very toxic messages to my ex-girlfriend while we were about to have an argument about something stupid again. I do regret how I wrote some things but at least I can confidently say that I don't regret what I wrote. It wasn't nice but I needed it and I actually don't know how I could have gotten my point across as effective but less toxic so maybe I don't regret it at all when considered from this perspective.

However, I certainly hoped that maybe she needed this, too. In fact, I was so sure I was doing her a service. I thought that in time, she would certainly understand that all I ever wanted was to be there for her just like she was there for me even though I admit I was really bad at it at times. I thought that in time, she would find the "true meaning" between all these cruel but in some absolute crazy way still well-meaning messages. And then it would have been worth it even if it meant she will never write me again. And I can understand that. But in the end, all that mattered was maybe just that I was the hero in my own movie, lol.

The end of this streak of insomnia started with me thinking "Hey, wouldn't it be a great time to go bouldering again?". I was able to boulder. Everything felt normal. Everything felt great! Until I arrived home and started emptying the washing machine. I was hanging up my clothes but at some point I noticed that something is off. They weren't wet. Like not wet at all. I thought maybe they already dried a little bit... inside the washing machine.

Fortunately, my prefrontal cortex was still active enough to realize that NO FUCKING WAY the clothes can be this dry or get so dry inside a washing machine even if they would have been in there for hours or even days.

I went to the washing machine and started to laugh hysterically: I forgot to put the machine on before I left. Everything was still configured and it was waiting for me to press start. I started the washing machine then (with my clothes in it) and suddenly felt very tired to not say about to pass out. I barely made it into bed and slept for 10 hours.

Uninterrupted sleep like that was something that I thought I was finally not capable of anymore. "Sleep is for the weak!", I told myself and "finally" because I still remember the nights during my childhood where I was getting increasingly worried that I have forgotten how to sleep which certainly didn't help with falling asleep:

Oh no, I have forgotten how to sleep! What should I do with all this extra time I now have? Every night will be so boring now!

I could only sleep for 1-2 hours per 12-36 hours for what felt like weeks. After 1-2 hours, it felt like I just had the best sleep of my life. My mind was immediately racing again. There was nothing stopping it from doing all the things it wanted to do. An unstoppable force of nature that could only be stopped for max 1-2 hours but only on its own terms. It felt like my eyes were popping out of their sockets. It felt like I was never so alive in my entire life. My heart was beating so strong and fast for prolonged periods of time for no apparent reason that it made me consider if I am actively experiencing time dilation: experiencing faster time travel while for everyone else, it looks like I am doing everything at twice the speed.

Whatever signals my body was sending must have gotten completely overriden until I realized that just a few seconds ago, I started to dry dry clothes and everything that happened in the past weeks suddenly became crystal clear. It wasn't destiny. It was mostly paranoia. I felt constantly between being extremely awake and extremely tired until all of my mental and emotional states overlapped and lying in bed was just this thing that I do to think more deeply about my next steps because for some inexplicable reason, I couldn't focus as much as I wanted to at the moment. I still remember how I associated the sound an ECG monitor makes during a flatline with how I felt and that I thought that was awesome:

Beeeeeeep. Sleeping or not sleeping, what's the difference? Infinite time!

I hope this set the stage enough for what comes next.

a picture taken on a beautiful day in Spring 2020 that I found while searching for a specific, more related picture that I didn't find

------DISCLAIMER END------

When I was younger, my parents used to fight all the time.

Now you might ask yourself? Why am I telling you this? Because I want to make you listen to this by pretending I had a bad childhood to involve your emotions since triggering emotions in humans is a powerful tool some people might abuse to achieve all kind of things?

Guess what? This post is exactly for you fucking morons out there who don't get I am telling you this because it becomes fuckin' relevant later on WHICH SHOULD BE FUCKING OBVIOUS SINCE THAT IS HOW GOOD STORIES USUALLY WORK.

Additionally, I thought I am talking to bitcoiners here? I thought you guys think of yourself to be a low time preference bunch of people? But why am I not seeing this? Why do I cringe all the time; regret that I had faith in humanity by doing all I can to write the initial bitcoin version in secret and at some point thought:

Bitcoin is in good hands now. I can disappear now ...

So let this be your first lesson: STOP FUCKING ASSUMING THINGS WITHOUT REALIZING THAT IT'S JUST A FUCKING ASSUMPTION AND NOT SOME KIND OF DIVINE INTERVENTION THAT JUST SAVED YOU FROM READING A STORY MEANT TO MANIPULATE OR PROVOKE YOU BECAUSE YOU WERE ABLE TO READ 13 FUCKING WORDS.

This rant may go down in human history, so you better start feeling some FOMO if you don't have time to read this right now ... AND YOU DON'T WANT TO BE THE FUCKING MORON WHO THOUGHT THEY KNEW WHAT THIS IS ABOUT AND THUS DIDN'T READ THIS AND THEN LATER TURNED OUT TO BE THE ONLY FUCKING MORON BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE DID INDEED TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY, DO YOU? But let's not get ahead of ourselves, will we?

Once, I had an accident and I almost got paralyzed. While I was lying there, looking up where I came from, I was in the biggest pain that I ever felt in my life. I fell from a roof and onto stairs with my back.

That was the first time I felt this intense rage in myself that I felt cooking up during this bear market, checking up on you guys what you're up to ...

While I was lying there on the stairs, trying to find a position that not hurts so fuckin' much I might actually die from pain faster than from whatever other internal injury I might have suffered, someone asked me:

Hey, what's your name?

ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS, YOU'RE ASKING ME RIGHT NOW WHAT MY FUCKING NAME IS? CAN'T YOU SEE I AM LITERALLY TRYING TO SURVIVE RIGHT NOW?! OR IF I AM NOT GOING TO FUCKING MAKE IT, CAN YOU AT LEAST LET ME DIE IN FUCKING PEACE?! ARE YOU LITERALLY RETARDED? LIKE LITERALLY? BECAUSE IF SO, YOU MIGHT SHOULD GO SEE A THERAPIST, IT MIGHT HELP YOU TO KNOW THAT YOU'RE A FUCKING MORON.

But I didn't say that. I was in too much pain to say that.

The woman that was with me called EMS and they asked her to ask me what my name is. AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT THIS FUCKING DUMB WOMAN TOLD ME SINCE SHE MIGHT HAVE REALIZED HOW FUCKING DUMB IT WAS TO ASK ME THIS AND TRIED TO BLAME THE EMS BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT, THIS STUPID FUCKING HORRIBLE WOMAN NEVER EVER FUCKING THANKED ME OR ACKNOWLEDGED IN ANY FUCKING WAY THAT I LITERALLY JUST TRIED TO FUCKING HELP HER JUST FOR THE SAKE OF FUCKING HELPING A HUMAN FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT BEING AND LITERALLY ALMOST DYING IN THE PROCESS.

So I ... I don't really remember what I said. I just felt this intense rage in myself, like am I fucking surrounded by fucking morons? Is this how I am going to die? With a moron not realizing I am dying and asking me what my name is? Really? Is this a fucking joke? Was my whole life just a cruel pretext for this single moment? If so: BRING IT ON. I AM READY. I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF THIS FUCKING SHIT, JUST DON'T MAKE IT MORE PAINFUL THAN IT REALLY HAS TO BE, OKAY?! OR AT LEAST FUCKING TELL ME, WHY DO I HAVE TO FUCKING GO THROUGH THIS, WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO WRONG IN MY FUCKING LIFE?!

But if I have to guess what I said, I would say I said:

Is this relevant right now?

What must have felt like an eternity later, the woman asked if I can move my toes. Again, this intense rage that I never felt before in my life showed itself in my mind:

YOU REALLY DON'T GET IT DO YOU? I FINALLY FOUND A POSITION THAT SEEMS TO BE AT LEAST A LOCAL MINIMUM OF PAIN AND NOW YOU'RE TELLING ME I SHOULD TRY TO MOVE MY TOES? ARE YOU SERIOUS? I AM SERIOUS BECAUSE I REALLY DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS A FUCKING JOKE.

But I was actually also interested if I can still move my toes. So slowly, I tried to check what I am still capable of doing without dying right fucking now because someone asked me such a dumb fucking question. I really don't want to have written on my grave that I was killed by a dumb question while I actually fell from a roof, trying to help this woman get back into her apartment because she was too fucking dumb to take her keys with her so she locked herself out and then she asked me such a dumb fucking question I realized I don't want to live in this world anymore and I rather just die and move on, whatever the fuck comes after it. It can't be worse than this, right? Right?

Fortunately, I think there was still some sense in my toes. I am not even sure if I did indeed move my toes. I might just tried to channel all the energy that was still left in me to check if I still feel at least something there.

Can I feel the shoe that I am wearing? Please, oh god please, even though I am not religious because my parents are and they are fucking horrible, please god, if you exist in whatever kind of form. At least tell me if I can still feel my toes without increasing this pain I am feeling that I am wondering why I am still conscious. IF YOU AT LEAST COULDN'T FUCKING SAVE ME FROM FALLING ON THESE FUCKING STAIRS JUST BECAUSE I DIDN'T LOOK AT WHAT I WAS STEPPING ON WHILE I WAS BLINKING MY EYES.

What feels like another eternity later, I replied:

Yes, I can still feel my toes.

Then I must have lied there for more than a few seconds. In my memory, it feels like the EMS immediately showed up.

When the emergency doctor walked over to me, I got really scared. Like extremely, extremely scared. I was already scared that I am going to die, but this guy walking over to me? That was what might actually scared me more than death in that moment.

I was scared because I knew he was going to try something. He was going to do something SO FUCKING STUPID, I might again die because I couldn't defend myself against a person THAT IS SO FUCKING STUPID THEY DON'T REALIZE I AM DYING RIGHT NOW AND INSTEAD SHOW ME HOW TO DO A BACKFLIP AND BREAK THEIR NECK OR SOMETHING. I really don't want to die like this. I always thought I would die ... how exactly? I think I never thought much about how I want my death to be before.

In this moment though, I really had my life flashing before my eyes. What I remember the most is that in this moment, I realized that I really might not see my ex-girlfriend that recently broke up with me for what feels like one single mistake that I could have explained very easily if she just let me, ever again.

This is it right? This is how I am going to die?

IF THAT'S THE CASE THEN LET'S GET IT FUCKING OVER WITH BECAUSE I AM NO LONGER SCARED OF DEATH, I AM FUCKING SCARED THAT THIS PAIN MIGHT UNNECESSARILY BE PROLONGED BECAUSE SOME STUPID FUCKING HUMAN THINKS HE CAN SAVE ME BUT ACTUALLY NO, THEY ARE JUST MAKING ME FEEL THIS PAIN EVEN LONGER THAN I WOULD HAVE IF I WOULD BE FUCKING ALONE RIGHT NOW AND COULD DIE IN PEACE.

Then he grabbed my arm. The last things I remember before passing out from the injection was that I kept saying "no, no, no" with increasing terror in my voice. I found a spot I felt somewhat comfortable breathing in without too much pain. Every muscle in my body was tensed up to the point I thought my bones are going to break and I'll start rag-dolling around from all the built-up tension. I kept myself in some weird position which included grabbing the lowest bar of the stair railings and I was absolutely not ready to leave this position under any circumstance. I quickly accepted that this railing was part of my life now and it felt like we became very close friends in a very short period of time. However, I wasn't sure how long we would still be friends. For all I knew, I was dying fast because certainly all this pain meant that something inside me broke spectacularly. Then I saw the light.

Is this the light people talk about when they really are about to die? Or already dead? Am I finally dead? It surely feels like it because I am no longer in pain.

I don't know anymore if I literally asked the people in the ambulance, trying to fucking stabilize me and cutting my favorite shorts into pieces in the process:

Am I dead?

I think I never knew if I really asked this. I just know these were my thoughts when I saw "the light".

Turned out that light was just THE FUCKING LIGHT IN THE AMBULANCE SHINING RIGHT DOWN ON ME IN SUCH INTENSITY, I COULDN'T FUCKING SEE ANYTHING ELSE.

to be continued

That's how I partially described the current state of nostr with its focus on "twitter-like experiences" in my notes. ↩

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1511 sats \ 24 replies \ @siggy47 7 Mar

Damn I missed this. I'm going to be honest right now because I know you value that, but I'm taking a chance too because I'm not sure if you want my opinion. I remember kicking myself for complimenting you for your daily zero something posts, because I feel like you being told how much we all enjoyed it made you self conscious and didn't let your shit flow. You're back! Keep it coming.

296 sats \ 6 replies \ @DarthCoin 7 Mar

He must feel the pain... Only then, will appreciate the peace of mind.

0 sats \ 5 replies \ @ek OP 8 Mar

Everyday I can move my toes is a good day

And if I am not having a good day, I can just rub a specific spot at my back and I feel some kind of electrical discharge which reminds me of the accident and how close I was of sitting in a wheelchair forever. Or think of all the injuries or other trauma I don't have since I have never been caught in a war.

Pretty cool if you think of accidents that way: vivid reminders how fragile life is

100 sats \ 4 replies \ @DarthCoin 8 Mar

I wasn't referred to the pain in your legs. Your real struggle was in between the realms. Sometimes the physical pain in the body can put you in the thin line between life and death. But that is only the death of your body / vessel. You, the real YOU, is not dying, just looking for a new journey.

I was there (in a NDE) 3 times. I know how is it. Is painful. And that's why most of people are afraid of death, because they have that in memory from their previous incarnations.

Very few people had a peaceful death, fron natural ageing.

Ok I talk too much. Please read my okd post about NDE.

100 sats \ 3 replies \ @ek OP 8 Mar

Your real struggle was in between the realms.

Yes, you are right, my reply didn't mention this

I was there (in a NDE) 3 times. I know how is it. Is painful. And that's why most of people are afraid of death, because they have that in memory from their previous incarnations.

I had another NDE but that wasn't really a NDE but it still felt like dying: near ego death or NED, lol

I would say I am not afraid of death anymore but the process of dying.

Very fee people had a peaceful death, fron natural ageing.

Yes, I would like to have a peaceful death but that needs to be earned as this scene hints at:

Please read my okd post about NDE.

You mean #277326, right? If so, I did

0 sats \ 2 replies \ @DarthCoin 8 Mar

21 sats \ 1 reply \ @ek OP 8 Mar

what is this, a GIF for ants?

100 sats \ 0 replies \ @DarthCoin 8 Mar

Ah yes wrong paste

reply on another page

126 sats \ 16 replies \ @ek OP 7 Mar

Damn I missed this

👀😇

I'm going to be honest right now because I know you value that, but I'm taking a chance too because I'm not sure if you want my opinion

Why would I not want your opinion—or anyone's opinion? Honest question. It's basically free and personalized information that is easy to dismiss with the chance that some interesting discussion emerges.

I know I explicitly mentioned in this post that I don't want any advice etc. but that was mostly because I didn't even want to write this post but it felt like the only solution to get out of this negative head space. I think I was still interested in what people wrote, I just didn't feel like replying so it felt unfair to not mention that I most likely wouldn't reply back. Mixing that with all the other feelings I had was probably what resulted in my comment at the end.

But maybe I am missing something. Did I mention something like this in my Z2Z posts? I tend to make a lot of jokes which don't necessarily look like jokes but that's part of the joke unfortunately lol.

Thanks for being honest, I know it's not always easy :)

because I feel like you being told how much we all enjoyed it made you self conscious and didn't let your shit flow

Or you are referring to simply this with the quote above?

It did a little but it was net positive. Maybe I also needed some self-consciousness that I lost along the way so it wasn't necessarily a bad thing. However, there were definitely some trust issues since I felt like people were enjoying it too much as in:

Surely these posts aren't that good, right?

But when I noticed it got harder and harder to write a post everyday, I actually started to trust my skills and the feedback I received more since that explained that I really just had a lot of writing built up and I should find a more sustainable schedule now. I think that was more why my shit didn't seem to flow anymore. There was simply not much shit left instead of some congestion.

I can tell you, I am looking forward to any reply. Just the feeling that someone (might) read all I wrote makes me feel special. I hope this feeling never goes away, at least not fully. It's also always very interesting what parts which people quote or reply to. As an aspiring writing social engineer, I value this or any information that tells me more about my audience.

I also know from my own experience that if a post is really good, I tend to simply zap it instead of replying since I know my comment written in 5 minutes would not be up to the standard of this post and I don't want to take the time to construct a more thoughtful comment currently but then I forget. So I know that replies might indeed be priceless, especially with honest feedback.

110 sats \ 15 replies \ @siggy47 7 Mar

Or you are referring to simply this with the quote above?

Yes, I was just talking about that. So, have you written more but are just holding back, or is that dramatic spot where you stopped? I found the whole ambulance/EMS thing disturbing because of a crazy, tragic, event that just happened to people I know.

147 sats \ 13 replies \ @ek OP 10 Mar

I found the whole ambulance/EMS thing disturbing because of a crazy, tragic, event that just happened to people I know.

I wanted to reply to this, too, but I got lost in my search to find the comment or post were you mentioned a burial. I thought I read it somewhere here but I can't find it.¹

What I wanted to say is that I am not sure if what I experienced is what generally happens. If I would have to guess, I would say that a NDE is just a reflection of your whole life. As if your brain is feeling extreme FOMO and wants to resolve everything before shutting down for good but at the same time realizes that it's too late. You can't say sorry, thank you or fuck you to all these people that you met in all these years. They will never know how much they hurt you or how much they meant to you because you were too ignorant of life and death. And your brain goes into full denial mode because it can't accept that this is it while simultaneously realizing that this might indeed be it and it's in full denial mode. Or should I say the ego?

Anyway, if the people you knew lived a good life, I think you shouldn't worry. That's all that matters.

I think that's also what @DarthCoin meant with this comment. Live your best life but be mindful of death. I wasn't until that day. Still took me until just a few months ago to fully realize how much time I wasted already since I still didn't get it. I probably still don't get it but I'm trying now at least.

almost got lost again ↩

128 sats \ 5 replies \ @siggy47 10 Mar

Strange timing. I was just writing about this incident in a reply to the latest stoic book club post. Obviously you lived it. I didn't. This happened to a close friend. The closest I have come was a heart attack about 10 years ago, but I never reached the point where I believed I would die. My friend's daughter had asthma. She was a 35 year old mother to a one year old son. She had an attack at the family front door. She lived with my friend. Her death was bad enough, but a ring doorbell video camera caught the entire incident. The EMS responder says "I don't know what to do" and they never gave her oxygen. They just watched her die. It's bad enough losing a child, but seeing with your own eyes that she could have been saved was devastating.

42 sats \ 3 replies \ @ek OP 10 Mar

The EMS responder says "I don't know what to do" and they never give her oxygen. They just watched her die. It's bad enough losing a child, but seeing with your own eyes that she could have been saved was devastating.

Wow, I'm very sorry to hear that. I got immediate flashbacks to my paramedic training and that priority 1 is heartbeat and priority 2 is free airways for breathing. That they wouldn't know to give oxygen (like that's basically why you even do CPR, to circulate blood and the oxygen in it) is shocking.

What did they even do then? Literally nothing?

But it's also easy to blame EMS. They should know but it's also stressful for them. Still, I can't believe it but obviously I should.

128 sats \ 2 replies \ @siggy47 10 Mar

Her younger sister was with her. She told them she has asthma and to please give her oxygen. A different EMS crew had responded to a similar situation when she was pregnant. They got the oxygen to her immediately and it was fine. I think this EMS guy was young, inexperienced, and scared. At least he seemed to care. There was a cop on the scene who just stood there looking bored. Really my take is that it would be easier for the family to accept if it was not filmed by the ring camera. My friend keeps watching it over and over. Technology can be a curse.

42 sats \ 1 reply \ @ek OP 10 Mar

I think this EMS guy was young, inexperienced, and scared.

Why was he alone? Don't they come in crews? Or was it a first responder on foot?

My friend keeps watching it over and over. Technology can be a curse.

Yes, it's hard to let go.

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0 sats \ 0 replies \ @carlosfandango 10 Mar

Oh @siggy47 - this is just awful. My heart goes out to her son. So many questions will remain. I don’t know how her family can get through other than to acknowledge that grief and loss is a process and everyone walks their own path through it. Long, painful days ahead for all affected.

52 sats \ 6 replies \ @DarthCoin 10 Mar

I would say that a NDE is just a reflection of your whole life.

Yes, the first part of NDE is that. But it happen in fractions of seconds (in our human body life time). In your mind it could take longer, depending on how many important aspects had you human body life.

But after that come more crazy stuff, you start seeing stuff that you never imagine you could see. It's your mind struggle, trying to find a path somewhere. This is the part where you shit your pants. THE UNKNOWN.

You are right, is meaningless to say sorry or fuck you... you are going to another dimension where all that is meaningless. Also for the people you left here on this fucking planet, it doesn't matter. After they put your body under the dirt, they will forgot you and also can't do shit about it.

OK I should STFU and not talking again about this. I only saw that you had the same instincts with that experience. Is fascinating, because I thought I was the only one crazy here :)

10 sats \ 5 replies \ @ek OP 10 Mar

But after that come more crazy stuff, you start seeing stuff that you never imagine you could see. It's your mind struggle, trying to find a path somewhere. This is the part where you shit your pants. THE UNKNOWN.

Mhh, I guess I wasn't that close to dying so this didn't happen for me. But the fear of the unknown is definitely a strong fear (see H.P. Lovecraft).

OK I should STFU and not talking again about this

Why not? Too scary?

because I thought I was the only one crazy here :)

lol I feel honored

25 sats \ 4 replies \ @DarthCoin 10 Mar

Will be scary (in human terms) for people reading it. For me is not anymore. I've been there 3 times and start getting used to. Also I saw the true meaning of life so for me is not scary anymore. For others could be.

Is not good to dug deep into this stuff because it could put you in a slippery slope, going down into the darkest parts of your mind. And is not a pleasant experience. Also you could never came back from that hole and your brain can be damaged forever.

Keep a balance and a strong mind.

10 sats \ 3 replies \ @ek OP 10 Mar

Also you could never came back from that hole and your brain can be damaged forever.

You sure that didn't happen to you? lol sorry, that was too good of an opportunity even though it's a serious topic. Guess I simply don't have anything to add and can only appreciate you sharing these words with us.

My brain just immediately uses humor as defense against dark stuff I guess.

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42 sats \ 0 replies \ @ek OP 8 Mar

So, have you written more but are just holding back, or is that dramatic spot where you stopped?

No, this is all I have written down so yes, this is where I stopped. But I already knew how I want to end this part of my origin story when I started writing it. It's just a matter of writing it down and deciding which details I want to keep, which to remove and which to change for various reasons like privacy or "artistic style".

I am in a different mindset now though. So not sure if I can keep up the same angry writing style. But my memories of what pissed me off in the hospital (and what was very charming) are decent enough so it shouldn't be too hard to pull it off. Might not be that important though. It's clear that I have written both parts at different points in time.

210 sats \ 1 reply \ @0xbitcoiner 7 Mar

32 sats \ 0 replies \ @ek OP 8 Mar

lol maybe there is some truth in there

1029 sats \ 1 reply \ @PlebeiusG 7 Mar

I work in EMS. I ask for people's name and tell them to move their toes, depending.. yes i get yelled at (mostly cuz i deal with homeless drug addicts)

We do it to build rapport, gauge level of consciousness and ability to follow commands, as well as emotional state.

21 sats \ 0 replies \ @ek OP 8 Mar

Oh, cool! My first idea of what I want to become was actually an emergency rescue helicopter pilot. I always wanted to be able to help people in any situation but I thought I don't have the social skills or wouldn't be able to deal with the responsibility to save people so I thought being the helicopter pilot I can at least bring the real heroes faster where they are needed. I didn't follow this path since it was too expensive and I didn't want to join the military so they might pay for it. At some point, I discovered computer science in school and simply studying it felt more safe and aligned with what I can see myself doing as a profession long-term.

A few years after that incident iirc, I joined the German Red Cross on a voluntary basis. I was just a simple paramedic assistant but not sure if that is the correct translation. It was the first training (just two weekends iirc) after which you are qualified to be the first responder and apply first aid to keep people alive long enough until the real help comes. We call it "Sanitätshelfer (SanH)" in Germany. The real training obviously happened on-the-job (like with many other things in life).

That's where I also learned how to approach a patient and these questions made a lot more sense, lol. The coolest thing must have been how I saw other medics being able to check the pulse of a patient (how strong, how fast, how regular) simply by shaking their hands so the patient doesn't even notice it and might adapt their heart rate.

So don't see this as "don't ask these questions", I totally get it now. They make sense but in the moment, they felt so out of context. I am sure you can understand and just wanted to share your view, too. :)

But some (most?) patients are probably just insufferable anyway for a multitude of other reasons (?)

1013 sats \ 4 replies \ @OneOneSeven 7 Mar

I read this in entirety while I’m sitting in a meeting at the fiat mine.

I’ve had a similar, “Am I really dying cuz of this? This is what kills me?” when my lung spontaneously collapsed getting out of bed..

After a few days in the hospital I had thoracic surgery, and a night of the worst pain of my life.. so far. Every breath hurt my chest, every heartbeat hurt, and didn’t help that I have SVT, a rapid and irregular heartbeat sometimes.

I had a long time laying there to think about pain, what it really was, how I could make it to another breath, then the next. At some point I was able to nullify it in the mind.

Pain sucks.

117 sats \ 3 replies \ @ek OP 8 Mar

I’ve had a similar, “Am I really dying cuz of this? This is what kills me?” when my lung spontaneously collapsed getting out of bed..

Was ever a reason found? Or it can just happen to anyone? And it was fortunately just one lung, right? The redundancy in our bodies saved you from certain death?

After a few days in the hospital I had thoracic surgery, and a night of the worst pain of my life.. so far. Every breath hurt my chest, every heartbeat hurt, and didn’t help that I have SVT, a rapid and irregular heartbeat sometimes.

Did you immediately go to the hospital? But they just didn't have the capacity for immediate surgery?

And haha yes, the "so far" part is important. I almost added this too but it felt out of place in the flow. Pain is something you will never forget. I obviously can't reproduce the pain but the emotions (is pain itself an emotion?) and despair I felt is something that is still strong in my mind. Writing about it took me back into this situation and how fast everything happened. At least in my memories.

If you want to memorize something, you probably just need to hit yourself very hard in the same moment lol

At some point I was able to nullify it in the mind.

Oh wow, that's crazy! I always wondered if that's what happens if you feel extreme pain: if you realize "strongly enough" that the pain is not helping since it's supposed to be a signal for "hey, something is wrong here", we should be able to "control the pain" (mind > body).

But I guess if something is really wrong, like "you feel like dying right now"-wrong, you need to have a really strong mind to push through it

128 sats \ 2 replies \ @OneOneSeven 8 Mar

Warning, I may be unlocking new fears, haha!

No clear reason, which is usually the case with a Spontaneous Pneumothorax

In most cases of spontaneous pneumothorax, the cause is unknown. Tall and thin adolescent males are typically at greatest risk..

I remember them telling me at the ER that younger, thinner males were the most common. That was almost ten years ago so I was in my early 20's.

And it was fortunately just one lung, right?

Just the left, and it should never happen again now that the lung basically fused to my ribcage. But the thought of the other one collapsing has, of course, never left my mind since. At least I'll immediately recognize the symptoms. 🙃

The redundancy in our bodies saved you from certain death?

Yes, thankfully, our bodies are truly amazing.

234 sats \ 1 reply \ @ek OP 8 Mar

I sent my comment too fast and updated it to reply to so more stuff. Just fyi, I think you replied too fast for my editing skills :)

100 sats \ 0 replies \ @OneOneSeven 8 Mar

Haha! That comment size increased by around 450%!

So I'm laying in bed and by gf (now wife) is playing on the computer behind me, I got up and felt a sharp pain, like I got stabbed by a knife that was taped to the front of a truck.

I lay back down to watch TV or something and nothing seems to be wrong and don't think much of it. After maybe an hour I get up to go to the bathroom and we realize something is wrong. I can't get out a full sentence without needing to take a breath.

My wife zips me to the hospital and I skip over pretty much everyone in the wait room.

They first had to re-inflate the lung first ASAP, so they gave local anesthesia and put in a chest tube while I was awake. I think you need to be awake for the reinflation so you can breathe through it and get fill it back with air. Gaining air capacity, a very strange feeling, but once it re-inflated I felt pretty normal, aside from the chest tube sticking out of me.

I stay for a day or two so they monitor the lung, but it collapses again. Thankfully I didn't feel it at all, they could just tell by X-rays. At that point surgery is required:

Pleurodesis Pleurodesis is a procedure that sticks your lung to your chest wall. This procedure removes the space between your lung and your chest wall (pleural space) so that fluid or air no longer builds up between the layers.

If you want to memorize something, you probably just need to hit yourself very hard in the same moment lol

4_F4ll_GuY_0x01.md

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