No, aliens haven't crash landed on Earth.
That's according to the latest 63-page report on Unidentified Aerial Phenomenon, or UAP, by the Pentagon. Sources familiar with DOD reports say this is quite possibly the most work anyone has done at the Pentagon since its creation. Experts estimate an astounding 63 times more effort was put into this single report than every budget audit since 2018.
The unclassified document details efforts by the US military to investigate most of the minuscule amount of UAP reports since 1945, concluding that all files pertained to “misidentification, ordinary objects and phenomena, and seagulls.”
Some reporters familiar with the topic asked why the report was lacking details on key UAP cases brought to Congress last July by David Grusch, Ryan Graves, and David Fravor. Pentagon press secretary Pat Ryder responded to criticism:
"We're aware some of the more famous UAP encounters are absent from this report, that's because those videos were debunked by UFO enthusiast Mick West."
Mick 'Not-a-debunker' West, as he prefers to go by, is known amongst the UFO community for heroically debunking Gimbal, Go-Fast, and the Nimitz video as simply seagulls, a distant plane, and seagulls, respectively.
In an impromptu press conference, Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin also took questions about the report at the Pentagon briefing room late Friday afternoon. When asked about his statement that "technically they don't crash, but some UFOs do get shot down." he explained that further details would be released in the next Pentagon UAP report in 2045, stating:
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"We have shot down some UFOs, however due to their impact sites being located in extremely remote locations like Canada and Michigan, we lack the ability to retrieve some of them."
Austin abruptly stopped answering questions, left the podium, and was later seen climbing a service ladder to the roof. He hasn't been seen since, though this is not necessarily a "new thing" for the sitting Secretary of Defense of the United States.
In seemingly unrelated news, a bright cigar-shaped craft was seen hovering above the Pentagon around 3pm, Friday March 8th. Witnesses reported seeing a figure inside drinking a Diet Coke before it zipped off at incredible speeds towards Atlantic City.