I understand. I struggle with addiction too but mine is to tobacco. Some days I look in the mirror and can imagine the horrible illnesses smoking causes, and yet that's not enough to keep me from coming back to it.

I have quit before and I believe I can again.

Often where I'll start is by reflecting on the other good habits I can take up, hopefully deciding on one that can push out the bad.

I've always been very moderate and, in general, uninterested in alcohol, so I can't claim to know exactly what you're going through. But I know people who are sober and I'm confident for them this is one of the hardest things ever, and I consider them among the strongest people I know.