It's hard to watch someone you love suffer. Sometimes, in trying to alleviate their pain (and our own distress), we end up accidentally hurting them:
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In ignoring their pain because we 'don't want to bring it up and remind them', we can leave them feeling lonely.
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In trying to problem solve, we can leave them feeling ashamed.
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In trying to cheer them up, we can leave them believing that their feelings don't matter.
Here's one thing you can do that will help:
Just be there with them. Be willing to sit in the pain with them.
This can sound like an abstract idea, so we've coined an acronym — LOVE — to help you put it into practice.
Look at them
Give them your full attention. Don’t be scared or shy away from their struggles. What do you see? What do you sense? How might they be having a hard time?
Give them your full attention. Don’t be scared or shy away from their struggles. What do you see? What do you sense? How might they be having a hard time?
Open up to their pain
Demonstrate that you want to know more about their pain by asking questions. You might say something like...
Demonstrate that you want to know more about their pain by asking questions. You might say something like...
"What's it like managing [XYZ challenge] right now?"
"Will you tell me more about what that was like?"
"What are you feeling right now?"
"Will you tell me more about what that was like?"
"What are you feeling right now?"
Validate what they're experiencing
Whatever they share, reflect it back to them, both to build your understanding and to honor their experience.
Whatever they share, reflect it back to them, both to build your understanding and to honor their experience.
"It sounds like you might be feeling overwhelmed. Is that right?"
"What you're facing is hard. Everyone would struggle with it."
"I'm hearing that you need me to do this household task and it would make you feel more supported."
"What you're facing is hard. Everyone would struggle with it."
"I'm hearing that you need me to do this household task and it would make you feel more supported."
Express your love
Finally, tell them that you love them, a sentiment that can take so many forms.
Finally, tell them that you love them, a sentiment that can take so many forms.
"I believe in you."
"I see how hard you're trying and how brave you are."
"You are not alone. We'll figure it out together."
"I see how hard you're trying and how brave you are."
"You are not alone. We'll figure it out together."
L-O-V-E. Give it a try and let us know how it goes.