When I joined AA, this question started to haunt my thoughts during those frequent nighttime anxiety attacks. Among all the chaos in my life, there were a few things I was certain of. And one of those things was the certainty of never having felt God, I didn't even know that God was something you could feel. For me, when I started the 12-step program, God was a social construct, something humans had invented to control a society thirsty for basic survival instincts. And perhaps I wasn't so wrong, but like everything in life, this was only half the truth. Despite my deep cognitive analysis that my anxiety forced me to do almost every night for hours, often until the first ray of sun pierced my bedroom window, my spiritual bias didn't allow me to see the whole picture, or a complete reality. On that side, there had always been a void Later, I realized that this emptiness was the main cause of all my problems. From there came that feeling of always being incomplete, that anxiety of always feeling like something was missing, that need to always want to fill voids that weren't mine, without realizing that it was only creating more emptiness within me Once, in those heart-to-heart talks that we in AA call sponsorship, my soul expressed the painful doubt, 'What does it mean to feel God?' My sponsor simply replied, 'I assure you that when you feel God, you won't doubt that what you feel is God. There is no doubt in matters of God. And so I left, with that answer that left me right where I started. And with more doubts. Why is there no doubt in matters of God?

After thinking about it for so long, I paused for a few seconds. I closed my eyes and decided, for the first time, to talk to this so-called God. I let go of all my feelings, all my disbelief, and I prepared myself to accept anything different from what I already had, because what I had wasn't working for me at all. With all sincerity and feeling a pressure in my chest, closer to my heart than usual, I asked in a low voice God, what does it feel like to feel you? What should I do to feel you? What's the manual for feeling you? I've tried everything, I don't know what else to do, what else to plan. I accept that I need to feel you. Everyone tells me that when I feel you, everything will make sense and only then will I start to let go of this violent need to consume my drug of choice. But nobody tells me how. What am I not seeing? Please, give me something. I can't take it anymore, I'm running out of strength, I'm wasting my life stuck in the same cycle. I can't do this anymore, help me feel you. Then a pain began to flow, but a particular one that every addict knows, that soul-deep pain that comes from emptiness, that pain that turns on the faucet of tears that began to flow non-stop. I allowed myself to feel that pain, everything turned dark and negative, suicidal thoughts returned, hate, resentment, selfishness, depression, all together, all that is lived in darkness, all that is felt in solitude, all that came from emptiness. And only by feeling it, could I see where that deep pain came from, I could visualize the path it left behind. For the first time, I recognized my spiritual emptiness. And it was only then that I began to see the whole picture of my life. Doubt has no place in the things of God because God is not logic, God is not reason, much less a manual. Doubt comes from logic, therefore where there is doubt, there is also an absence of God, emptiness. And right at the moment of recognizing that, very specific images came to my mind. My sponsor hugging me for the first time when I arrived and interviewed me. With that hug came the words, 'You're not alone, you're already in a safe harbor, we'll be with you from start to finish. One day at a massive AA event, right in the middle of a workshop dynamic, that deep and sincere hug my fellow sufferer and I shared, in the midst of deep crying with our eyes closed, someone guided our arms to each other. To end up keeping each other company in that darkness we had always gone through alone. That trip to a Group Anniversary outside the city, where a fellow member of my group and I were simply enjoying the scenery, the wind on our faces, and laughing at the craziness of our daily lives, this on my motorcycle on the highway. That hug it took me years to find in the arms of my younger sister, right after arriving after a writing session. That hug of forgiveness to my mother and father that I had never been able to give before because I didn't want to go through the pain that came with feeling. Those few seconds in the rain that we spent lost on our way to the new location of our Group that I experienced in the company of a fellow member. Seeing a new person arrive with a desire to start their process. Connecting in the same feeling and emotion that comes with the death of a best friend. Serving a cup of coffee to that fellow member who returns after months of absence. Arriving at the group with hope of seeing that fellow member who hasn't been coming for weeks and little is known about what happened, but they no longer come to meetings. Day after day, their chair remains empty. And then start letting go of their defenses and their craziness. Standing in front of several strangers, with my head held high, my gaze firm, saying my name and then, 'I am a drug addict. To say, 'I feel like shit, but I'm here for whatever I can contribute. To feel like I'm that support for those who were my support when I was at rock bottom. And not just feel it, but also be able to be it. And that, to mention just a few of the scenes that came to my mind, then I understood 'I had already felt God.' I wasn't lacking spirituality, I wasn't lacking God, I just needed to stay still for a moment to feel it. And to feel that he has always been there. And that he will never leave my side. So today I can answer my own question, 'That's what it feels like to feel God' but not just any God. But a very special one, the God of the 4th and 5th step addicts and alcoholics...