It depends on your feerate. 1.00sat/vB is like going gambling, sometimes you get 1-2 confirmations within 20 minutes, othertimes you dont get any in 8 hours. Same speed but wildly inconsistent unless you want to spend a rather significant amount of your stacked satoshis on fees each time.

600 satoshis per TX for "guaranteed" confirmations, while minimum wage in the U.S. is 6,000 satoshis per hour is a bit high right?

They still are fast. But with LN, they're lightning-fast. The fastest