I don't know if anybody should be reading this but I find it hilarious myself.

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Season 1: Contact 101 Captain Durk and Mr. Stonk s01e01: Pilot Episode

“We continue to search for intelligent life, because here on Earth it’s nowhere to be found.“

Captain Durk and Mr. Stonk s01e02: First Contact

Captain’s log Stardate [undefined]

We’ve finally encountered intelligent life, but they’re so clogging up the warp highways (you wouldn’t believe) to the best holiday planets, that basically we are now wondering whether it was all worth the effort. Frankly, we are actually completely avoiding these life forms now, and rather looking for something more ‘off the beaten path’, tu comprends?

Captain Durk and Mr. Stonk s01e03: A Forward Approach Captain’s log Stardate 1w450.7

Today, Mr. Stonk proposed a rather ‘forward’ approach for increasing our chances of contacting intelligent life forms. He acted rather swiftly on the matter, rummaged through his closet, and put on his pink jumpsuit (fyi bought in the women’s department).

Unfortunately, it didn’t seem they were very pleased with his efforts.

I shall likely advise Mr. Stonk to discontinue said stratagem, within the near term, when it’s not to his slightest inconvenience.

Captain Durk and Mr. Stonk s01e04: A Sincere Apology Captain’s log Stardate 493036/3.1 supplemental

Mr. Stonk brought it to my attention that there might have possibly been a slight typo in yesterday’s journal entry’s stardate. You see, the ‘w’ (pronounced double you, but looks more like double vee, so sorry too) is very close to that top row of numbers on the keyboard. And well, these fingers from time to time do drift a bit downwards from fatigue and local gravity, especially at the late hour. I’m terribly sorry. And hence therefore, we, as a crew, would just like to officially apologize for, even, to any extent ‘suggesting’ we maintain a calendar arrangement using something more elaborate than the awfully debilitating limitations of the hexadecimal system, because that is obviously not the case at all here.

Alas!

And thank you for your understanding. We do appreciate it.

Captain Durk and Mr. Stonk s01e05: The Highly Sought Person

Captain’s log Stardate 543785,39.5-2

Counselor Lydia Lovehardt (p-12 certified empath and part-time shamaness) was beamed aboard the Audacious this afternoon for an interview concerning our open position for Communications Officer. Mr Stonk suggested we ‘try her out’ before putting her on the payroll. And so I set course at maximum warp to the Barney system where the natives have their yearly global black friday with rebates ranging from 40-70%.

To my surprise she already experienced a nervous breakdown within 2.744 lightyears of the target. After slowing to impulse, we offered her a contract on the spot. She agreed under the condition to quote unquote “never do that the f* to me again, or i’ll kill both you sons of b*tches and have your brains for breakfast.” Mr. Stonk was very pleased and went forth to set up her 401k.

Captain Durk and Mr. Stonk s01e07: Error: Episode Unavailable

DUE TO VIOLATION OF INTERSTELLAR LAW 5632.A.III EPISODE 7 WAS ALGORITHMICALLY BANNED FROM THE GALACTIC SYNDICATE NETWORK. THE RULE WAS TRIPPED ON STARDATE 44339.349#8 AND EXCEEDED THE MAXIMUM LIMITS ALLOWED FOR SHAMELESS AUDACITY. MEASURES WERE SUBSEQUENTLY IN EFFECT AUTOMATICALLY TO PROTECT THE AUDIENCE.

The crew of the USS Audacious apologizes for the inconvenience and hopes you stay tuned, whilst we find another broadcasting service.

Thank you for your support and patience.

Happy Holidays