May it burn in fire.

.> be Adobe, 40-year-old PDF jockey .> 2025, stock doing a perfect -33% swan dive .> “We’ll pivot to AI” says exec on 7-figure retention bonus .> can’t ship a model because legal says every pixel needs a 12-page EULA .> Midjourney drops v7, makes our Firefly look like MS Paint with a hangover .> OpenAI drops GPT-Image, Google drops nano-banana, both free .> our response: “Please login with your Adobe ID, install Creative Cloud, update 47 GB, restart, then pay $53.99/month” .> users collectively Alt-F4 into orbit

.> watch in horror as ChatGPT/Gemini reads any PDF you give it for free .> enterprise cancels 10k seats overnight .> try to counter with Sora killer video model .> training cluster catches fire after someone uploads a 1998 clipart library .> PR tweet: “We are re-imagining creativity” .> quote-tweet ratio hits 1:9k, gif of dumpster bonfire tops replies

.> premiere pro is now just a bloated launcher for 15 different subscription prompts .> 20-something with a phone and CapCut is making better edits .> our flagship feature: “Generative fill but now 3% slower” .> board meeting: “Let’s raise prices again” .> stock drops another 8% during the Zoom call .> our most innovative feature in 5 years is a "subscribe to annual plan" button that clicks itself