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I fully understand it. My friend was my "best friend" (sounds odd saying that as mid-50s man), but we shared a real brotherly relationship. A combo of full-on-acceptance paired with complete honesty that siblings share....so when he died it felt very isolating.
About a month or so after he died I had a very very vivid dream concerning him. One of those dreams where you wake really feeling like you just had a real conversation with someone....in the dream we were both sitting on the floor smoking cigarettes talking (we had long each given up smoking in our late 30s but in the dream we were still smoking)....we were talking about his death...very matter-of-factly ...he looked at me, pointing his cigarette towards me to make a point and said "YOU have to let me go....you gotta stop dwelling on this and just move forward". I woke up instantly feeling like it was really something he would say....and in a strange sense it did help me move on. I felt like I got that "one final conversation in".
Did you watch Six Feet Under (HBO)?
Not saying you should watch the entire 5th season but you should watch the last 20 minutes of the finale
edit: your story reminded me of Six Feet Under scenes, I think you did channel a few scenes!
Pretty scary, i suppose. My dad has cirrhosis of the liver, lifestyle-related, but i suppose statistically, the higher the decade, the more likely it is for people to start dropping , stlill a shock tho
definitely jarring
a friend of mine from middle and high school passed away last week, liver failure, 50 years young. He is survived by his wife and 3 daughters, the oldest is 12
a very good friend and former colleague died unexpectedly from a heart attack in october, age 65. Very fit and active, swam daily, in his 30s he ran marathons under 3 hours, qualified for the boston marathon before turning 40.
Both were unexpected and shocking, in the case of my middle school friend, I had no idea he had liver problems.