I am aware that trying to forbid a friendship is impossible and can lead to greater defiance and damage the bond not to mention that what is forbidden often becomes all the more tempting. At the same time, it cannot be denied that some friendships do not constitute good company. Admittedly, this is a very broad generalization; everything depends on our personal values, and such situations become even more complex during adolescence.
A little context of what is happening with my daughter: She has a friend (both are 9 years old) whom she met at school during the last school year, and it just so happens that we live pretty close to each other. The girl comes over to our house, my daughter has been to her house, I take them to the park—everything seemed normal. However, I’ve noticed that this girl tells a lot of lies and always uses phrases like "don't tell your mom/my mom," which I suppose is relatively normal at that age, but I don't know. My daughter told me that the girl said to her, "I can have a boyfriend as long as we don't do 'things'." I played dumb and asked my daughter what she meant by "things," and my daughter said, "I don't know, she didn't tell me."
What has disturbed me the most so far—and what I felt requires the utmost caution—is that she told my daughter to bruise her own arms, and when I asked her what happened, to say "nothing." But when my husband arrived, she was supposed to start shaking, crying, and blame him for the bruises. She also told her to look up phrases on YouTube to make her parents argue. The purpose of this plan was because my daughter was upset with her dad, and her friend came up with a revenge plot. I don't know about you, but to me, it seems horrible, and I cannot comprehend how a little girl can scheme a plan like that.
My daughter did not self-harm; quite the opposite, she told me what her friend had suggested that very same day. I didn't scold her, and I didn't judge her; I just listened and explained the risks involved in hurting oneself and falsely incriminating someone. I thanked her for being honest with me. After this, I didn't speak with the girl's mother, but I did speak with the school psychologist so they could handle it. My daughter and her friend are no longer in the same classroom—they are in different shifts now—and currently, they only see each other at my house or when I take them to the park.
I know I can't put my daughter in a bubble and control everything that happens around her, but I must give her the tools so she knows how to defend herself and recognize people and situations she shouldn't get into because they put her physical and moral integrity at risk. And of course, to let her know that she will always have my support. It sounds very easy, but it is much more complicated than that.
In terms of the general question. My daughter had a couple friends in her dance class who I thought were not treating her nicely. My daughter was being very friendly and kind to them but they were very dismissive with her because she is not part of their friend group from school (my daughter is homeschooled). I just told my daughter "you can be friends with whoever you want but you should not go out of your way to try to please and be friends with people who don't treat you nicely."
In your situation I would definitely talk to the other girl's parents and let them know what was going on. Suggesting she hurt herself and try to blame it on her father as retribution for being upset with him is crossing the line.
Personally I would suggest you tell your daughter it was smart and mature of her to tell you and that she can be friends with whoever she wants but she doesn't need to be friends with people who are looking to involve her in mischief and that you trust her to make good decisions about who to be friends with.
See where it goes from there.
It’s heartbreaking to watch our daughters be kind to others, only to be treated poorly or rejected in return. Making new friends doesn’t come easily to every child. I thanked her for being honest with me and sharing what was going on; we’ve talked quite a bit. I explained to her that a true friend would never suggest that she harm herself. I don’t want to be too pushy by forbidding the friendship or coming across as overly negative; instead, I need to gradually distance them—in a way that my daughter won’t notice. If I were to say what I’m really thinking, I’d likely destroy the trust she has in me; she might even think I’m being cruel or something similar—especially since this is the first friend she’s made since we returned to Venezuela 18 months ago.
This friend sounds awful and I would do my best to distance. It's tough when you live nearby, but I would look for any opportunity/excuse not to spend time together.
For instance, if you notice there is a certain time that the friend seems most frequently come over, make that a new time for doing shopping or running errands. Or if activities (sports?) are available at school try to get your daughter interested in those if they take up time this girl could otherwise be spending time with your daughter.
Honestly, I would even go do far as to force an end to the friendship. I'd try to get my child onboard, but that's certainly tricky.
But a real red flag for me is when another kid says not to tell parents something. (The stuff about bruising and falsely accusing someone is WAY past red flag territory).
I was quite concerned, which is why I sought help from a specialist at the school; I also considered the possibility that the child might be going through something serious at home and not know how to ask for help. My intention is for the educational psychologist to look into the situation and, if necessary, initiate a safeguarding protocol because, ultimately, we are talking about a nine year old girl who also needs protection.
Likewise, I am gradually reducing the contact my daughter has with her. Currently, they only see each other once a week, under my supervision, and I have encouraged my daughter to focus more on other friendships and to get to know new people. I made it clear to her that the advice her friend gave her is wrong, because a friend would never ask you to harm yourself.
One must exercise a great deal of tact in this situation, and strengthen the trust our children may have in us that is the most difficult part.
I am not sure what I would do. I'd find a way to tell the other kids' parents what happened. Second, i'd assess the degree to which my child "is their own person" and understands that this person's advice is not to be listened to. Third, I'd try to limit the amount of time they have alone together.
Heavy handed prohibitions of spending time together, like at school, I don't think would work.
She told me that she played along when her friend was explaining the plan, but that she had no intention of actually doing it which is why she told me. It’s still quite concerning, though, and now I’m on alert.
Ugh. This one is a messy issue. Ideally, talking with the other girl's parent about it first would have been the best. The kid got that revenge strategy from somewhere sourced to an adult. They don't make up child abuse on their own. However, parents tend to be extremely hostile when told their kid is being bad, almost like an automatic defense mechanism.
The problem here is that the father could be incorrectly accused of child abuse or worse and investigated and life turned upside down because a kid contrived a fake story. As the mother, you're probably in the strongest position to force the truth of the matter because no one will believe the father once accused or until proven innocent by a lengthy investigation and damage.
On this one, the best course right now is to cut off communication with the other girl and her parents entirely. Its better for things to be awkward than to spin out of control with further involvement. The school psychologist is a mandated reporter, regardless of being a counselor, so there might be fallout there still down the road. Investigators are required to follow leads, irrespective of whether parents think the whole story is made up. So be prepared for that.
I saw this same scenario play out with parents in my kids' school. It didn't get to an investigation, but the issues were similar in terms of events. They arrived at the same conclusion of a complete cutoff, even if the kids didn't understand why at the time.
I did consider, for a moment, speaking with the girl’s parents, but the plan struck me as so macabre that it set off an alarm bell for me; I suspect that the girl might be going through something harmful. That is why I sought help from a specialist at the school so they could look into whether or not the girl is alright.
Good call.
I think you did the right thing here.
Since she's still young I think you can probably talk to her more about whether she really wants to be friends with someone like that. I would try not to be too direct, and try to lead her to hang with other friends more in a subtle way.
Anyway, for now it's great that she's telling you everything. When she's a teenager, she might not.
Yes, for now they trust me, and I would hate for that to change—for them to stop telling me things, or worse, for them to run into a problem and try to solve it on their own without asking for my help. That’s one of my fears; I swear I do everything I can to find ways to preserve that bond.
Wow...that story sounds like something out of a movie...how awful.
I would definitely try to keep my son away from friends like that. I would put him in a sport or musical instrument to avoid contact. You already did something good by changing his class schedule.
There are some friendships that lead to nothing good, and if it's leading my son to lie or do things that aren't good habits at home, it must be avoided at all costs.
Why don't you ask your daughter why she is friends with this girl?
It hadn’t occurred to me; I’ll do it.
@dagny761
wow, i think you did amazing, praying for healing
You have been a good friend /listener to your daughter and that is why she has confided in you, this is exactly as per the Good inside Book by dr. becky, can't recommend it enough. With regard to
friendslike these, we have made plenty of decisions to not have our kid be friends with some due to various reasons.Sounds tough, and as the Dad to a 9 yr old girl this feels close to home. It sounds like you have it under control. I like that you informed the school. I don't have much to add that hasn't already been said in the comments, but good luck and you have our support!