I asked him guiding questions and he spun this incredulous take for me. But maybe this flagrant lack of regard for conventional logic made it all the more precious:

Once upon a time, there was a polar bear named Kaishi. He loved to swim to the middle of the ocean to hunt for fish and leopard seals. He especially liked to eat big seals because one seal meal could last him 1.5 weeks.
Kaishi was very skinny because of climate change. It was getting too hot and the ice caps kept melting. The seals used paddles to move to areas where ice caps could still be found. Kaishi couldn't eat properly.
So, Kaishi had an idea. If he used his saliva to glue the ice caps together, maybe they wouldn't melt. He spat his saliva at the ice caps. To his surprise, his saliva was very sticky. The ice caps were glued like nothing had happened. The seals then came back and made an agreement with Kaishi. If they gave Kaishi 50 dead seals, Kaishi would rent them an ice cap for a week. Kaishi agreed.
On the ice cap, the leopard seals mated like crazy. Kaishi got his scrumptious meals because he had wild animals livestock. Kaishi decided to open a seal restaurant for other polar bears to eat for free. The end.