What's bizarre is that people can't grasp the concept of "newbie"

Not a soul on earth that's new to Bitcoin is going to understand wtf and why they're writing down a bunch of words. It's a giant turn off, and a bigger danger than keeping an inconsequential amount on a custodial wallet (ie: lost keys, exposed keys, compromised keys, etc.).

Yes, true, not your keys blah blah. But the for NEWBIE* get them on a super user friendly wallet first. Then circle back and explain the important of self-custody and why anything more than X amount is utterly important.

There IS a place for custody wallets.