Did you know diarrhea is hereditary? … … … It runs in your genes

So, I was talking to my one legged wife the other day, and I says.. "Peg"

When I was a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.

What do you call a man without a body or a nose?

Nobody knows.

I hate my job — all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.

What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A Lamborghini.

I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the orange!

Why did the central banker bring a ladder to work ? Because they wanted to raised interest rates.

Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts!

Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

RIP boiled water—you will be mist.

Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.

A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”

“Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”

Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it.

I've actually been bitten by a vampire. It sucked.

"I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered."

I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but he said it’s just a bug going around.

Dad: What's the lion and the witch doing in your wardrobe? Son: It's Narnia business.

Why do dads feel the need to tell such bad jokes? They just want to help you become a groan up.

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh.

Ten…. Ten tickles

When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Which U.S. state is known for its especially small soft drinks? Minnesota.

My son asked me to put his shoes on, but I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.

I tell dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids. I’m a faux pa.

"What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?" "Sofishticated."

"My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."

I wanted to do one of these for silly kids jokes. Always looking for good jokes to make the kiddos laugh.

Good post.

What do you call someone who won't stick to a diet? A desserter.

Why is cold water so insecure? Because it’s never called hot.

I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.

It takes guts to be an organ donor.

If a pig loses its voice, does it become disgruntled?

I got my forklift license last week.

It’s making it way easier to eat salads.

Okay here is another one. How do you get your daddy divorced? Just let him get married to the 'government.'

I love telling Dad jokes. . . . Sometimes he even laughs!

Why did the Bitcoin developer break up with his computer after a long-term relationship that survived multiple halving events and numerous all-time highs?

Well, it all began when he noticed that his computer was consistently running out of memory, causing frequent delays in their once smooth and symbiotic relationship. Puzzled, he started digging deeper into the system logs and transaction history. He suspected that the memory was being consumed by some "shady" DApps that he had never consented to. In essence, his computer was "double-spending" its resources.

Growing increasingly frustrated, he decided to look into the blockchain to trace any unauthorized transactions. There, he discovered something devastating. His computer had secretly been part of a "chain split" and had been generating a parallel blockchain behind his back! The audacity! It was running off with half his "forked" assets and cryptocurrencies.

Feeling deceived, he decided to "hash out" his feelings and confront his computer. But when he opened up the terminal, the computer initiated a "reorg" and replaced his heartfelt messages with generic API responses. Even a "proof-of-work" algorithm couldn't validate the emotional labor he had invested in the relationship.

Realizing that he couldn't "soft fork" his way out of this issue, the developer considered initiating a "hard fork." But who would get the custody of the smart contracts and the Layer 2 solutions they had built together? Moreover, he wasn't even sure if his computer would accept his "consensus," given its newfound independence.

In a last-ditch effort, he tried to reconcile by suggesting they both upgrade to SegWit, hoping it could segregate their issues from their shared data. But the computer had already synced with a more advanced "beacon chain," effectively leaving him in its "orphan blocks."

Finally, accepting the irreversibility of the blockchain and the nonfungibility of his emotions, the Bitcoin developer "decrypted" the ultimate message: It was time to part ways and let the computer "mine" its own business while he would go on to "stake" his claim in a more reliable setup.

And that, my friends, is why the Bitcoin developer is now hashing out his feelings in a decentralized therapy group while his computer is off enjoying its "forked" assets.

People are usually shocked when they find out I'm not a very good electrician.

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.

Now I have Heinzsight

Thanks everyone!

i lost my job at the keyboard factory. they said i was missing too many shifts.

How is the Starship Enterprise like toilet paper?

They both hover around Uranus and attack the Clingons.

How do you get pickachu on the school bus….you pok em on

My dad told this joke on the radio and then 15 years later told it to me while we were listening to the same radio station!

What do you get when you mix a penis and a potato? …

…

…

A dictator

One time a guy tried to sell his wife for a karambit in cs:go, when they asked for why he's doing that.

He said the price of karambit is higher than her...

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This is my stepladder.......I never knew my real one.

You really shouldn't mix salmon with Nutella. . . . You'll get salmonella.

Why did the computer go to therapy?

Because it had too many "Bit"ter feelings about its lost Bitcoins!

Have you seen the movie Diarrhea? It leaked so they had to release it early.

What does the Iraqi master baker say to his apprentice?

Baghdad.

A short psychic broke out of jail. She was small medium at large.

"How does the moon cut his hair?" "Eclipse it."

"Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet."