Is it that, with all this mucking around with min_htlc settings, and even the details of worrying about managing UTXOs for dust, that we're having to care about things that normal people don't give a shit about because they just want to send their money around without thinking about it, as per your SQL example?
Yes, basically.
L2 should abstract onchain fees away. But because force closures can happen, we still need to care about onchain fees.