Oldfag here worked at grocery store, stole beer for friends, sold at store price, pocketed money did informal limo service for friends and rogue airport taxi - my dad gave me $5,000 to buy my first car, so I bought a used stretch limo, slapped a roofrack on it and undercut limo companies by 1/2 quit grocery job, went to work at sporting goods store, got assigned to Customer Service / the Ticketmaster realized I could run extra ticks past limit any time I wanted using store ID used savings to buy 100 tickets for each Grateful Dead show, with six events over three days in the summer of 1994 - 1,800 in total quit job the day before graduation, first show series is that night all shows are three-day events on the weekend laid in a stock of fresh oregano, fresh catnip, and looseleaf green tea held slightly together with honey in a rolling paper - cost: maybe 10 cents each scalped Grateful Dead tickets at Dead shows for a month; just had to walk around looking for someone holding up a finger to the sky and ask what they wanted to pay "nothing" efff you, this ticket cost me money, give me a more reasonable answer I'll come find you later with my hot girlfriend and she'll do you noooope dude, I'll give you...$100 for two tickets and some of that stuff you have this hand-rolled? (indicate joint) yeah, I'll give you $150 for two I don't know, last ones, gotta have enough for the show and gas I'm desp, man okay, how about $150 plus you trade me for something three days of this I have nearly $15k in cash from initial outlay of maybe $6,000, plus I've got nearly 2kg of weed, enough coke and hash to start my own cartel, and that's just the first three-day event with three shows all of the Dead shows I hit sold out three months ahead of time would package deal tickets for people after conversing with them, "hey, I might have a couple extras for the show in California next weekend, would you be interested" drove the limo everywhere, in Vegas decided "forget this, I want an RV" called best friend, paid for his plane ticket to Vegas, went out for the week before the show in Nevada, got into every stupid thing we possibly could bought an RV from a dealer cash on the barrel did the Dead show he drove the limo home on Monday, he took back all of my drugs (had a literal suitcase of it by that time) to his dorm room (year ahead of me)

what do I look like during this? Clean-cut all American kid with tan and white-t-shirt, when I'm doing business or depositing money in the bank (all into separate checking accounts under $2,000 at a time making sure to look VERY nervous about carrying that much cash on me and saying "gosh I'm glad that's out of my hands I hate carrying that kind of money on me" I'm wearing a polo shirt, khakis, and the most preppy / Gappy clothing I can during shows I wear the baja sweater and ragged jeans, have my crappy fanny pack and money in pocket no ticket sold under $60 got laid A LOT because I shared out the drugs I was getting to people that would pay more had Costco membership so bought tons of condoms and would gift those away to camps that invited me back weekend before the last, I started getting known as the kid with the tickets had some guys looking way too clean asking me if I had "the miracle" (if someone wanted a ticket they'd just do the point thing) or the Fifth Letter of the Alphabet Always said no when Sunday came around I got "detained" by badly undercover event security who wanted to know where I got fake tickets had two left at that point asked him to please call the police and stood there politely until the cops showed up, then asked the police to witness that I was being denied entry to a show I paid for ask politely to note that I'm being accused of counterfeiting a ticket, something I would NEVER do tell cops I got dumped by my girlfriend and had a ticket for her and her friends, but damned if I'm going to let some idiot hippie chick bang some other guy and take my concert ticket behind my back for it cops laugh, smile at my super-clean cut (friend shaved my head ROTC-style before he left) and ask if they can check the counterfeit themselves cops watch as event security compares against actual ticket event security tries to say "THIS IS FAKE" when pointing to a copy of a counterfeit ticket, cop points out that he's got his finger on the sample they check against event security gets pissed off cops say son you're free to go tell the police I've already been dumped, harassed by the cub scouts over here, and on top of that I don't even LIKE the Grateful Dead. I don't want to just leave. I want a refund for my tickets. This just sucked and all I want to do is go home now cops look at event security event security says we don't do that cops look at each other and say "i smell marijuana in here" event security about crap themselves pool money hand me $200 in cash cops say, "go on, son. We'll be right behind you" go out to the entrance

this super bedraggled-looking dude with a German shepherd puppy on a hemp leash puppy looks starved dude is holding his finger up to the sky look at him and say "if you give me your dog, I'll give you two tickets." jerk doesn't hesitate, hands me his dog take the dog back to my RV, cube up a loaf of wheat bread and mince up steak, feed her, water her, etc realize I could pull out of here early realize something even better, Dead don't go on for a good three hours, I have time to kill while the pre-bands irritate the hippies grab my stash of tickets for next weekend concert drive myself to the nearest office supply store buy cardstock head to self-service copy area new puppy by my side, won't leave me, period I keep feeding her nibbles of steak sandwich she's super quiet and sweet older lady comes up and asks me if I need any help don't make any reply she says, louder, DO YOU NEED ANY HELP fake being deaf, turn around, act startled, then make ASL at her she blinks, looks at the dog hold up finger, write on paper, "Sorry, I'm deaf. Please write what you want to ask me." IS YOUR DOG ASSIST? look up at her, smile, shrug shoulders and write sorry I forgot her jacket at home today, had to make do with a rope I had in the car lady nods and smiles, then says "do you need help?" reply, "no, I think regular cardstock is fine" with My Left Foot mumbles thrown in for good measure she leaves awkwardly finish my project, pay for it at front desk buy a paper cutter spend happy hour giggling and feeding Hippiechick (HC for short) steak in my RV as sun starts to go down and the Dead take the stage entire lot is empty of people except those who couldn't get a ticket to the show, I've got nearly 15,000 stoned hippie cars and campsites to myself park RV outside the gates and walk into the parking lot HC and I walk around the entire parking lot slipping tickets for the next weekend show under every car windshield wiper we can find finish slipping my 4,000 tickets to people - anyone I actually meet, I tell I have extra tickets that my dad bought me but my friends all ditched me, so I'm giving their tickets away to people and give them tickets tell people I don't want their money but some give me money or water anyway, I say I just want to take care of my dog and go home now get asked what her name is, I tell them HC, almost every girl I meet says "hell yeah, that's an awesome name" when I explain it fortunately that's maybe 20 or so, not taking much time get through my full stash and get back to the RV just as show starts to get out HC and I get a hundred miles up the road to nearest town with an RV dealership and a low number of retirees

I park in Walmart lot, we sleep overnight buy vacuum cleaner and cleaning supplies clean the hell out of the RV wash it to hell and back take all my Dead dealer gear and drop it off at a Goodwill pull into the dealership and ask to see a sales rep tell him story about how I was driving across country to college at state with my dad who lives in New York, he had a heart attack, he bought the RV for us to road trip together and put it in my name so I could have something to live in while the university got their crap together with the housing situation, and I just want to take my new puppy with me and get to college so I can tell them I have to defer because I can't do it in person and oh god this is horrible waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah sales rep is older Marine Corps dude, sees Corps sticker on windshield, asks if I was a real Marine, say no sir, but my father was and I was trying to follow in his footsteps at ROTC but I'm going to go to work to help support him at home and hold off until I know he's better, he served his country and I don't mind putting off college to make sure my dad the hero is going to live waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah I'm sorry sir I don't want a handout or anything I just want to sell the RV because it uses so much gas so I can get a car so I can get to college and I'm sorry I'm just so waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.... Marine is about to crap himself, he's so uncomfortable, keeps patting me on the shoulder and saying "It's all right, son, you're a good boy", etc dog is clean and on actual leash with dogtags Marine sees her, pets her, says "HC, what kind of name is that" say sorry sir my father named her and I shouldn't say what they stand for in public, it's not polite Marine says Gunny Sargeant Car Salesman, son, 18334th Division Cockpuncher Brigade, you can't say anything I ain't heard from my own wife and daughters say, carefully, "Well sir, he said it reminded him of a girl he knew back when he was in 'Nam as a gunner on a Huey" oh yeah son? What's them initials, then? drop voice to low "hellcunt, sir" Marine stares at me for good thirty seconds starts laughing so hard he's crying he actually picks up the phone to call a buddy to tell him the story but can't dial because he's laughing so hard says son I wish I could meet your old man, let's get you square so you can do every Marine proud sets me up with Jeep Wrangler tradein with full setup including tow package for RV, etc hands me an envelope, says the boys put this together for you to get home bought the RV off me for well over fair price, I look and say "sir no, this is too much" Marine says "son this is sales, I'll make my newest salesman quadruple that selling it. Wish to hell I had a son like you" hell would probably agree with you, sir he does another huge belly laugh get out of here, go see your old man and get some college tail for a leatherneck when you get there

I'm another hundred miles down the road with HC in the passenger seat, pull into state college town (coincidentally last stop on Dead Tour that I had tickets for) stay the night in hotel, decide to meander through and check out campus just in case I actually need to fake that story for some stupid reason HC and I wander through campus next day HC and I wind up lounging in the middle of the quad, see straggling pack of dirty hippies meandering through college, begging spare change from people they set up shop near me and spange anyone they can see just hang back with my dog hear "yeah, some dude came through and just GAVE everyone tickets to this weekend's show. If you were parked, like, on this side of the stadium, there was this dude who just had like hundreds of tickets for the show and just was giving them out" one of the hippies says "no way man that has to be like a counterfeit or something" listen to them arguing while trying not to laugh one keeps saying "Jerry provides, man, Jerry provides for all his special kids" the other who is not a fan of Jerry's kids keeps telling him he's full of sh*t and that the ticket isn't worth more than the paper it's printed on girl keeps interrupting saying they should shut up if they want to help her make any money at all, you stupid potheads, she met the guy and he was super cute and had the cutest little dog you didn't just say he was cute he was and he didn't smell like crap from puking on himself Trevor it's Rainbow Bright that's a girl's toy NO IT'S LIKE I'M A BRIGHT RAINBOW it's like you're a stupid pothead that spent all our money on beer, I can't believe I quit my job to do this with you get up, walk towards them hear her say dude looked like that guy, but that's almost EXACTLY like...the dude dig in my pocket look the girl square in the eye smile pull out $500 and say "come with me if you really want to go home" she gets up I walk her over to the Grayhound bus terminal (not far from campus) ask her where she wants to go she says several times 'it's you isn't it' say 'I don't know what you're talking about' I saw you last night, no, wait, like two nights ago No, I'm just going to school here and I know what it's like to want to go home wait with her for about a half hour talking, then bus shows up and there's the stupid potheads trying to find her, but spanging anyone they can quickly turn to her, peel off money and say just get on the bus and go home she looks at it and almost collapses she stutters and says "i swear if I ever see you again I'm going to make you come for five days straight. Oh, did I just say that" laugh and say some day you may have to make good on that promise, but leave their dumbasses now and never look back she stands up, gets on the bus and rides out while the two idiots are spanging and arguing about whether Jerry provides or not I take a piss in the restroom and come out of the depot, checked the envelope no wonder, I gave her something like $800 dammit, oh well, not like I worked for it

find six of the "tickets" still in the cash, must have stashed them in there for some reason get idea open up door guys don't even blink before spanging me "no, I don't have spare change, but your friend gave me these..." hand them the "tickets" their greedy Trustafarian eyeballs light up HC does her very first threatening growl when one looks like he's going to hug me look right at the guy who was saying it was counterfeit and say "Jerry provides, man. Jerry provides." walk off, get half a block before I hear Stupid Hippie scream out, "I TOLD YOU, MAN!" go home with: new puppy enough money to pay for my undergrad college with $10k left over, two year old used Jeep Wrangler fully paid off a half-full American Tourister suitcase full of pharmaceutical grade coke, opium, hash, and weed (which is carefully sold off a little at a time through some trusted friends to their trusted friends and so on down the line) - accounting for another $20K or so HC turned out to be pedigree-level German Shepherd, so two litters of puppies and a faked AKC cert from a breeder whose primary dam died in delivery later... cleared $120k profit in six weeks car, dog, housing paid for throughout college always had alcohol at the house, always had weed never smoked it myself, drank moderately put myself through college, did college radio station the Deadhead idiot was talking about how lame the Dead shows had been, especially that dude that faked over 3,000 Dead tickets and mixed real ones in with fake so the next show nobody could get in because they had so many counterfeit tickets that event security just decided to shut down the lines and the Dead didn't play one of the shows because nobody showed up laughed my head off for a full hour every time I heard him say that he started complaining to the station manager about me laughing whenever he came up with that one time when some dude faked 3,000 tickets to his favorite show and nobody could get in to see the Dead play

Met the Marine years later who remembered me he insisted on taking a picture with me and HC in my Jeep, which I still had he kept laughing about "Hellcunt" the entire time daughter told me it was the first time she'd seen her dad so happy since they told him he had pancreatic cancer saw he passed away three months later in the paper

haven't told anyone this story to this day

like I said I told nobody any of this for years, all my parents knew is that I was "working offsite for six weeks on a sales internship for the sporting goods company, but intended to quit when I got back so I could take summer community college classes" did just that, parents were like, "And you brought a dog? What?" rented a place at college that let me have a dog, HC and I went everywhere together, she was with me 99% of the time. Best dog ever, had two litters of purebred GS dogs, some picked up for police training, her descendants are everywhere in my old college town HC lived to be 15, died four years ago at the end of summer one of the saddest days of my life same week I buried HC on my parents' property I went out to my best friend's winery yeah, I gave him full license to split the stash, hence why it was half full, plus I "sold" him the limo for a Big Mac combo meal he took that and did some stock market stuff with it, made enough to go through vinter training and buy land, start making wine he's got this new girl that's working his counter "this is a wonderful bouquet of berries and tobacco and crap so you'll buy this bottle of wine" I just sit there, reach over and pull a bottle of actual good wine, she says "HEY YOU CAN'T..." before best friend says "know the Jaymes in Bartles and Jaymes? If this was Bartles and Jaymes, he'd be Jaymes. He buried his dog today, anything he wants is on me." drinking with the determination of a angry sobby drunk, but can't get drunk wind up talking with the woman behind the counter, she looks like late 20s early 30s slow day so we're talking about stuff talk about my dog and my life, etc eventually we get around to talking about what we did when we were kids and I tell her part of the story she gets this super suspicious look like "whaaaaat" in her eyes I'm half drunk at this point, three bottles of cab franc down and I'm not paying attention much tell her the story about going on Dead trip and handing out the tickets my "dad" had bought for me she says "NO WAY" loud enough to nearly be heard at my parents' place 2 miles away just the two of us in the place, I laid claim to the Drunk Friend VIP bedroom in the vineyard office she pulls out this ancient beaded wallet and slams a bus ticket down on the counter looks me in the eyes "oh god, it is you" she tells me that she told the story of the day I saved her from making a stupid mistake just by helping her out when I didn't have to she starts crying these little tears and saying "you have no idea what happened" apparently the guys she was with took acide laced with PCP right after I left and went crazy, didn't even make it to the concert tried to rob a bank with rubber band guns they carved out of sticks two days later told the cops she was behind it all and if they found her she had their stash of drugs and told them she wouldn't give them anything unless she was on the other side of the country when they were robbing the bank at her grandmother's house, getting her grandmother to cut off her dreadlocks while her ADA mother was telling her how she was so happy she was home and how worried she was, etc, while simultaneously threatening to throw her in jail, etc

we start talking, then she goes red I just remembered I said if I ever saw you again I'd make you come for five days straight blink and laugh and say "it's okay, unless you're into that kind of marathon" Not paying much attention until I realize she's locked the doors and closed up, then she walks back into my line of sight without clothes meet eyes "so you're into that sort of marathon" she smiles and says "you may need to hit town for supplies at some point, and I may have to hire a pinch hitter if you're not terrible, but yeah" spend the night there call best friend, tell him I hired a personal sommelier for the week, take it out of my tab (the suitcase is still my biggest marker that I've ever held with a friend and I never, EVER used it other than that week) he's pissed, but Suitcase at the end of the fourth day I've been railing this woman nonstop any chance we get, I picked up a prescription for Cialis just to get a recharge on and she finally calls in her pinch hitter go out to dinner, and she introduces me to her friend friend and I hit it off instantly talking and talking and talking and eventually we wind up all back at the hotel in the jacuzzi and my five day sex marathon ends in a 3-some we all split up at the end of it, trade numbers at the end of the night I call her friend and say "you know this might be weird, but..." her friend says "you want to see me again, but you're afraid it'll be weird because we met when you were banging my best friend" "uh, yeah" "Yeah, it might be weird, but..." "but what?" "she said you were too much for her to keep up with."

never, EVER pass up a chance to make some money off some stupid hippies.

I married the best friend of the hippie girl from Way Back When, not the hippie girl. Best friend is/was 8 yrs younger, never thought I'd actually get married and have kids, really. I'm not rich, didn't become God of Stock Market or anything, but I did all right. having a wife who's bisexual, 8 years younger, and named the woman who banged both of us the night we met godmother to our sons is both hilarious and awesome even better - that when she was 7 months pregnant the first go-round, she called her friend to be her ringer for me because she couldn't have sex with me but still wanted to get off this go-round Daddy is too exhausted to do it with anything except dreamland nannies who will accept Spooge McDuck coins as currency (I swear that is the weirdest dream I've had since I took acid for the first time ten years ago).