This is Chapter 3 of The Universal Good Deal, you may want to start at the beginning or go back to Chapter 2.
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The story goes that there was some enmity between Barrow and the woman who operated the fitness club next door to the Association's office. Perhaps she played the music too loud, or maybe Barrow was too sensitive. It seems that during water breaks, many participants would step outside to stretch in the fresh air (there was no air conditioning in the tiny studio), leaning against the plate glass windows of the Association's store front. Barrow complained that they left sweaty, posterior-shaped smears on the glass. He threatened to install pigeon spikes, but had refrained because he worried they might negatively affect the Association's image.
The morning of First Contact, the light in the office changed and Barrow looked up to be once again confronted with a line of spandex-clad buttocks. Normally quite reserved, he charged out of the office in a rage. No one paid any attention to him, instead, pointing at a flying saucer that was trailing a banner that read Buy Two Get Three Free. The women were discussing what the sign might advertise, with a general consensus the airplane's clever disguise as a flying saucer pointed to some kind of toy. Barrow absorbed the scene in silence; he knew that this was a vindication of the Association. There was no doubt in his mind that this was an alien spaceship and that these advanced beings' chosen means of First Contact was aerial advertising.
He rushed to his car without even locking the office door. He drove to the dusty commercial airfield where he once worked and stole the first secretary's Cessna. For the first time in his life, Barrow took off without filing a flight plan. The flying saucer was making loops around the downtown, and as Barrow flew across their path, he let out his own banner. It was a leftover from an old Association membership drive and read: Join Free! Today Only! Barrow started switching through radio channels repeating, 'The American Association of Aeronautical Advertisers welcomes you! The Association of Aerial Advertisers of America welcomes you!'1
The Aliens were surprised by Barrow's friendly communications—our overtures so frequently inspired violent reactions—and so they seized upon him.2 They were very loath to do the Martians any hurt, which they likely would have been constrained to do if they had attempted to contact them in a multitude. Therefore, they required a Martian as an intermediary, being a matter of great importance for the full accomplishment of their voyage.3
Thus they shipped the Martian, Barrow.4 Immediately, he found himself standing in a large room, surrounded by a group of Aliens. The space was luminously white, with curves that made it hard to distinguish where the floor ended and the walls began. The Aliens did not look very different from Martians, but they were truly white. Their skin was a flat blank white; even their pupils were white.
Barrow produced the stack of red paper membership cards that he always carried in his pocket. 'Welcome to the Association of American Aerial Advertisers!' he said, as cheerily as he could manage. 'I have your membership cards right here. If you will just allow me to record a few details as well as your contact information...'
The Aliens, pleased with the Martian's simplicity, gentleness, and the confidence he reposed in beings who must have appeared to him so strange and formidable,5 performed a round of applause—which was an animalistic Martian custom where they beat their hands together to show approbation.
'Good show, Martian,' said one of Aliens. His teeth were very white, as was his tongue and the inside of his mouth beneath the shadows. 'Welcome aboard.'
Barrow smiled deferentially, but persisted. 'Yes, thank you. I think the first matter here, is whether or not you are...that is to say, are you human?'
'We are Aliens,' said a different Alien.
One of them further explained that they had visited so many different worlds, startling so many beings who fancied themselves alone in the universe, that it had become most expedient to adopt everyone else's point of view, with regard to themselves.
'It's our brand,' said some other Alien.
'We were sent out by the greatest celebrity in the universe, who is the sovereign of all trading companies, and who is the friend of peace, and who has the interest of every people at his heart. This Alien is called the Prime Celebrity, as if to say, Lovely Beautiful Person and governor of people.6 Having learned that his children on Mars are much in want of articles of merchandise, in consequence of their extreme galactic position and lack of technological innovation, he has sent us to conduct trade with you.'7
It seems that an error committed in the planning stages of the Alien enterprise resulted in the name Mars being switched for Earth. Although the Aliens quickly discovered the error after their arrival in the Solar system, the project already made such extensive use of the name Mars, that the general appellation of Martians was universally adopted and has ever since been extended to all the inhabitants of the planet Earth.8
It is a testament to Barrow's singular ability to focus on the task at hand that he completely ignored the misnomer. He addressed the Aliens thus: 'The Association, of which I am the second secretary, was established exactly for such enterprising parties as yourselves. In addition to providing access to the collective experience and knowledge of more than two thousand aerial advertisers, the Association also—and I believe this will be particularly useful to you, Aliens—manages its members' relationships with all regulatory authorities. I'm sure that in your wide experience you have met with plenty of bureaucratic red tape, but I think I can speak confidently when I say that Earth likely has one of the most complex regulatory systems you have ever encountered. Therefore, I hope you will allow the Association the pleasure of being your agent in the halls of Earth's many governmental buildings.'
Barrow would have gone on had not one of the Aliens interrupted him.
'As the customer is always right, we accept,' said the Alien. 'And that the Martian nation may be led to a greater degree of civilization,9 you for yourself and all parts of the Martian nation do acknowledge yourself and the said Martian nation, to be under the protection of the said Aliens, and of no other sovereign whosoever,10 and that said nations and bands of Martians hereby cede, relinquish, and convey to the Aliens all their right, title, and interest in and to the trade practiced by them.11 We solemnly accept all forms of legal tender.'
And Barrow answered that he was very satisfied to be such, and to obey, and that he would be much pleased to serve them, and to represent such great salespersons.12
Barrow handed the Aliens membership cards, each with its unique member number, and the deal was completed.
There has been some controversy regarding Barrow's authority to enter into such an agreement on behalf of the entire population of Earth. But it seems that it was a commonplace arrangement among the Martians to allow a sole individual to make decisions on behalf of the whole population. They even had a name for this unjust system: democracy. In addition, it should be noted, as Barrow's apologists suggest, that Barrow may have conceived of the Association's mission quite broadly, so that he believed that it extended to every living member of the Martian race.
After they were enrolled in the Association, the Aliens instructed this Martian on how to behave himself in the treaty of commerce13 and he took them to the capital. Barrow must be acknowledged as the means of putting foot, and giving life to all the Alien trade on Earth, and that he was also their pilot to bring them to unknown places for their profit, and never left them till he died14—as the ensuing relations will manifestly demonstrate.15
Footnotes
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One of which, when they came neere unto us, spake in his language very lowd and very boldly. James Rosier, A True Relation of the Voyage of Captain George Waymouth 1605 ↩
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But falling short of his Course, hapned into a River on the Coast of America, called Pemmaquid, from whence he brought five of the Natives, three of whose names were Manida, Skettwarroes, and Tasquantum, whom I seized upon. Ferdinando Gorges, A Brieffe Narration of the Originall Undertakings of the Advancement of Plantations into the parts of America. 1658 ↩
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we would have beene very loath to have done them any hurt, which of necessity we had beene constrained to have done if we had attempted them in a multitude, which we must and would, rather than have wanted them, being a matter of great importance for the full accomplement of our voyage. James Rosier, A True Relation of the Voyage of Captain George Waymouth 1605 ↩
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Thus we shipped five Salvages, two Canoas, with all their bowes and arrowes. James Rosier, A True Relation of the Voyage of Captain George Waymouth 1605 ↩
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Columbus, pleased with their simplicity, their gentleness, and the confidence they reposed in beings who must have appeared to them so strange and formidable, suffered their scrutiny with perfect acquiescence. Washington Irving, A History of the Life and Voyages of Christopher Columbus 1828 ↩
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This man was called Pope, as if to say, Admirable Great Father and Governor of men. Juan Lopez de Palacios Rubios, Requerimiento 1513 ↩
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With this view, I told him that we were sent out by the greatest chief in the world, who was the sovereign also of the trading companies in the country; that he was the friend of peace, and had the interest of every nation at heart. Having learned that his children in the north were much in want of articles of merchandise, in consequence of the extreme length and difficulty of the present route, he had sent us to search for a passage by sea, which if found, would enable large vessels to transport great quantities of goods more easily to their lands. John Franklin, Journey to the Polar Sea 1823 ↩
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As Columbus supposed himself to have landed on an island at the extremity of India, he called the natives by the general appellation of Indians, which was universally adopted before the true nature of his discovery was known and has ever since been extended to all the aboriginals of the New World. Washington Irving, A History of the Life and Voyages of Christopher Columbus 1828 ↩
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That the Creek nation may be led to a greater degree of civilization Article 12, Treaty of New York, United States of America 1790 ↩
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The undersigned Chiefs and Warriors, for themselves and all parts of the Cherokee nation do acknowledge themselves and the said Cherokee nation, to be under the protection of the said United States of America, and of no other sovereign whosoever; and they also stipulate that the said Cherokee nation will not hold any treaty with any foreign power, individual state, or with individuals of any state. Article 2, Treaty of Holston, United States of America 1791 ↩
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that said tribes and bands of Indians hereby cede, relinquish, and convey to the United States all their right, title, and interest in and to the lands and country occupied by them. Article 1, Treaty of Point Elliott, United States of America 1855 ↩
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And the cacique answered that he was very satisfied to be such, and to obey, and that he would be much pleased to serve them, and to have such high Princes for lords as the Captain had made them understand Your Royal Majesties were. Hernán Cortés de Monroy, Letter Sent to the Queen Dona Juana, and Emporer Charles V., her son, by the Judiciary and Municipal Authorities of the Villa Rica de la Vera Cruz, 10 July 1519 translated by Francis McNutt 1908 ↩
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This Salvage hee instructed how to behave himselfe in the treaty of peace. Thomas Morton, New English Canaan, or New Canaan 1637 ↩
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and was also their pilott to bring them to unkowne places for their profitt, and never left them till he dyed. William Bradford, Of Plimouth Plantation, 1646 ↩
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This accident must be acknowledged the meanes under God of putting on foote, and giving life to all our Plantations, as by the ensuing discourse will manifestly appeare. Ferdinando Gorges, A Brieffe Narration of the Originall Undertakings of the Advancement of Plantations into the parts of America. 1658 ↩