This is Chapter 23 of The Universal Good Deal, you may want to start at the beginning or go back to Chapter 22.

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The lava lamps were actually quite wonderful little gadgets, and I can only guess that Flinders did not purchase one in order to make some principled stand, and not because he found them undesirable or defective in any way.

Indeed, the lava lamps demonstrate a remarkable phenomenon among the Martians: they frequently discovered unexpected uses for the things the Aliens sold. In the instance of the lava lamps, the Martians perfected a few minor alterations that allowed them to tap into the incredible geothermal energy contained in the lamps. The lamps not only became important sources for power generation, but also became very popular as cooking apparatuses. Such are the delights of novelty, and thus does the curiosity of ignorance ever find new gratifications.¹

Perhaps the most famous example of this quaint Martian ingenuity was the case of the Alien steak knife sets. The knives were not anything special, a simple wood or bone handle with a diamond blade, and yet the Martians couldn't seem to get enough of them. Surprisingly, the Martians were not acquiring the knives in order to cut their meat, but rather to wear them as jewelry.

It seems that for a long time Martians had held diamonds in much esteem as decorations and attached great worth to the carbon prisms. It is possible that they had even been practicing a strange sort of asceticism where they strictly controlled their own supply of diamonds in order to retain an immensely elevated value for them. Perhaps it was connected to some one of the ancient religions. No one really knows.

Whatever the case, the Alien steak knives completely wrecked the delicate cultural balance the Martians had achieved around diamonds, it being the common practice of the Aliens to fashion each knife blade from a single diamond. The first Martians to recognize that the blades were diamonds became quite wealthy. Of course, as soon as Aliens realized how great a value Martians put on diamonds, they all began selling the knives as diamonds, instead.

Each new Alien product inevitably created a frenzy, even products that were objectively shoddy (one infamous product was later discovered to be Alien feces wrapped in tin foil). Nevertheless, all the money that the Martians possessed they were ready to barter for the simplest Alien product; they were prepared to trade large baskets of money for any trifling thing which was offered them.²

And perhaps something Flinders said did make an impression on the Aliens, for it was not long after his visit that they summoned Barrow.

'We have been told that you are not producing enough money to maintain the trade between our two peoples,' one of them asked of Barrow. 'Can this be true?'

'We Martians take our money very seriously,' responded Barrow. 'We have many institutions whose entire purpose is to manage the supply of our money and to maintain a healthy currency.'

'Yes, yes, but why aren't you producing more? We understand that you can print it.'

'We don't just print more money whenever we feel like it. I'm sure any reduction in the monetary supply was foreseen by our officials and has been adequately planned for.'

'You should print more,' said another Alien.

'We want the money!'³ said the first.

'If that is the message you wish me to convey to our government, I will be happy...'

'By all means! We aren't running a charity here!'

Chapter 24 tomorrow, same time, same place.

Such are the delights of novelty, and thus does the curiosity of pure ignorance ever find gratifications. But we who know everything, knowing even what we have not seen or learned, have contrived to get rid of these pleasures. John Ross, A Narrative of the Second Voyage in Search of the North-West Passage 1829 ↩
Everything which the Indians possessed they were ready to barter at a very low price; a large basket of cotton they would give for a leather thong, or other trifling thing which was offered them. Christopher Columbus, Journals 1496 ↩
Your Highness needed gold. Hernán Cortés de Monroy, The Second Letter or Relation Sent to His Majesty the Emperor, by the Captain General of New Spain, Hernando Cortes 30 October 1520 Translated by George Folsom 1843 ↩

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Footnotes