Everyone wants to feel good — but forcing yourself to feel positive is not the best approach.

Many of us grew up learning to hide or suppress our difficult emotions, forcing ourselves to feel (or appear to feel) positive, optimistic and happy. It’s an attempt to regulate our emotions that frequently ends up backfiring.

As the poet John O’Donohue wrote:

“No sooner have you expelled something that you cannot accept about yourself out the front door than it has made its way in the back door and is waiting for you again. It is a strange thing about consciousness that if you try deliberately to get rid of something or stop thinking about something, you only end up reinforcing it.”

Treating ourselves in this way can even affect our physical health: one 2014 study found that suppressing emotions increased participants’ risk of cancer and premature death.

Instead of forcing it, try this:

First, recognize that your emotions are not good or bad. They just are. They are data to be used, not something that needs to be judged as right or wrong. (Simply letting go of this old story is a huge achievement!) When you stop fighting reality, you can change it.

Second, acknowledge whatever you are feeling. If you can, label it using your words, with phrases like, “I am feeling anger” or “I am experiencing sadness.” As you do, you might want to treat your body with gentleness, taking deep breaths or giving yourself a little hug. Try your best to stay with it until it passes.

Finally, having accepted and allowed the experience, you can look at that emotion for the information contained within it. Is there something you need to do, say, ask for? What is the most compassionate response you can find within you, to yourself and to the situation? What could you learn from this?

One emotional experience at a time, you can change the way you treat yourself.