To: Esteemed Central Bank Employees From: The Chamber of Monetary Orthodoxy Subject: The Perils of Bitcoin

Ladies and Gentlemen,

In our holy mission to keep the world spinning smoothly on the axis of traditional banking, we must confront the looming menace known as Bitcoin with the gravity it deserves.
Despite its shiny facade, Bitcoin is a Trojan horse of chaos. Let us delve into the abyss of absurdity to uncover the myriad ways in which Bitcoin threatens our cozy financial ecosystem.
Economic Anarchy: Bitcoin's decentralized nature is a direct affront to the orderly control exerted by central banks governments and corporations over the flow of money. Its mere existence threatens to upend the divinely choreographed dance of monetary policy, potentially leading to a cacophony of unregulated transactions and unjust economic freedom. This is terrifying for our sacre b̶u̶s̶i̶n̶e̶s̶s̶ mission.

Freedom from Surveillance: Bitcoin's pseudonymous transactions provide a refuge for d̶i̶s̶s̶i̶d̶e̶n̶t̶s̶, a̶c̶t̶i̶v̶i̶s̶t̶s̶, a̶n̶d̶ o̶r̶d̶i̶n̶a̶r̶y̶ c̶i̶t̶i̶z̶e̶n̶s̶ s̶e̶e̶k̶i̶n̶g̶ t̶o̶ e̶v̶a̶d̶e̶ t̶h̶e̶ a̶u̶t̶h̶o̶r̶i̶t̶a̶r̶i̶a̶n̶ e̶y̶e̶s̶ o̶f̶ t̶h̶e̶ B̶i̶g̶ B̶r̶o̶t̶h̶e̶r̶ TERRORISTS intent on setting the world ablaze.

Environmental Enlightenment: Bitcoin's energy consumption is an harbinger of ecological doom. The insatiable demand for electricity generated by Bitcoin mining operations has spurred decentralised innovation in renewable energy technology. Without the providential, centralised and efficient energy policies of governments, the entire planet will exhaust all energy sources by yesterday.

Empowerment of the Unbanked: Bitcoin's borderless and permissionless nature provides access to financial services for the millions of unbanked individuals around the world. In regions plagued by corrupt or inefficient banking systems, Bitcoin offers a lifeline to those marginalized by traditional financial institutions. By bypassing the barriers of bureaucracy and red tape, people find themselves in their own hands, preventing us from asserting our violence-based monopoly to care for and protect them.

Resistance to Censorship: Bitcoin's censorship-resistant properties ensure that transactions cannot be blocked or reversed by any centralized authority. In an era of increasing censorship, Bitcoin serves as a bastion of free speech and financial sovereignty. The aforementioned is unacceptable. We all know the consequences when diverse ideas are allowed to collide in a free marketplace of thought and reason. It is no coincidence that the Middle Ages is our preferred historical era.

Global Solidarity: Bitcoin transcends national boundaries and fosters a sense of global solidarity among its users. In times of crisis, such as natural disasters or political upheaval, Bitcoin serves as a lifeline for individuals seeking to support relief efforts or escape economic turmoil. We cannot afford to forfeit our divine right to act as moral arbitrators and sole managers of solidarity. It is incumbent upon us to determine which causes are worthy of printing trillions and which are not (By the way, does anyone have any ideas about which new geo-socio-economic catastrophe we can push for in the near future?).

In conclusion, the very existence of Bitcoin proves to be one of the greatest malevolent forces on our planet, and we must do everything within our power to combat it. We require the assistance of all, so please feel free to reach out to us with any ideas (We are starting to run short on them).

Thank you for your valuable attention, Your esteemed and glorious masters.