How did this experience of almost dying impact you? Have you learned anything from it?
When I read your comment, I actually felt dumbfounded because I did not have a clear answer immediately but I felt like I should have. So I noodled on it a little bit1 to show respect where respect is due.
I definitely did not learn anything directly afterwards but looking back 10 years at this day2, I can say that I was really focused on my own pain back then. It's obvious that I focused on my own pain at that day (since I felt like dying) but this day was just the one day that I remember the most from many days where I did this from that era.
If you zoom out a little, you can see a lot of frustration and entitlement to some supernatural help in my thoughts. I wasn't able to help myself in that moment and I didn't trust anyone to be able to help me since I felt like death was inevitable. So the only thing that I thought could help me was the very same thing that apparently wanted me to die. That was frustrating to think about. I absolutely hated the world for what it did to me (up to and including this point) and at the same time I demanded help from it to make the pain go away. But the world owes me nothing. I mostly just made up a bunch of problems on my own:
But you are just too human and need to find a problem in everything so you can try to solve it and give meaning to your insignificant existence. And if there isn't one, you make one: YOU become the problem.
And when a problem I made up was way over my head (taking a wrong step and almost getting paralyzed in the process), I suddenly felt entitled to help from the world. I had no agency and saw no link between my circumstances and my own actions (or inaction in other contexts). I didn't own my mistakes.
So after 10 years, I can say that life is fragile (which should be obvious but it often isn't), I am very thankful that I can still walk and that I should take more care of my body since I am pretty attached to it.
Additionally, my pain is not special just like I am not special. If I want to be special, I have to do special things and not just feel special. We all feel special in our own special ways. If I want to live a happy life, I shouldn't focus on all the bad stuff and feel entitled to some external help just because I feel like I am such a nice, helpful and selfless person so why the fuck would I not receive the help that I want or better: whatever I want?
Am I really such a nice person when I do things with some certain expectations that I don't communicate? Do I really want to help other people because I am so selfless or am I actually doing this out of deeper selfishness? Do I just want people to think that I am selfless but I don't really care and when push comes to shove, it's clear that I don't really care about them or it? Seeing this "internal error" or contradiction in my worldview was also painful but that's where most journeys start, I think. The first step is always painful but that's what gives it meaning, no? :)
So if I really want to live a happy life, I need to find something that makes me happy and comes from within and not from the outside. Maybe that is focusing on the pain of humanity as a whole and not only on my own and trying to fix it?
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