Since my daughter was 3 years old we have talked about dying, at first she took it with some indifference, when she was 4 years old she had her first "existential crisis", not with respect to her death, but with mine, she said she was afraid Not seeing me again and that it made him sad, he begged me to eat correctly and exercise. I think he had other crises later but I don't remember very well. Until a week ago when he had two existential crises in one, he cried uncontrollably, saying that he was afraid, that he did not want to see only black, that he was terrified that the insects and plants would eat his body, that he would never see me again, that I would never be able to hug myself again, I said that I would never laugh, feel, eat ice cream, play, love again. "Mom I will no longer exist, I will no longer be me, no one will be able to see me." It breaks my heart to see her so sad and scared, and without even being able to console her with life after death and tell her that we are going to heaven, because being surprised made it clear to me that she does not believe in heaven, she said crudely "the people die and that's it." She complained about the universe, saying and wondering why the world created us like this, ephemeral and finite, she was really upset. I just hugged her and told her that our love was infinite and that there was no way it was going to end, I really didn't know what to say to her, I validated her emotions and told her that dying is something that is very scary, it feels like a sensation. of emptiness, uncertainty and terror, but unfortunately it is something that we cannot control, like the sea, the breeze, the sun, things are as they are and that's it, whether we like it or not, it is something that we must accept and that the only thing that What remains for us is to enjoy our time here, control the things we can, do the things we want, love, eat, laugh, play. She calmed down for a few minutes, she started playing and singing. Then it was time to sleep and she started crying uncontrollably again and she told me "Mom, I want us to die together, holding hands so that no one can ever separate us." I went to bed with her, kissed her forehead and we hugged, until finally she fell asleep.
It breaks my heart to see her that way and I feel like I can't do anything to help her. How do you handle these types of situations with your children? Have you ever had a crisis like this?
As an adult, I admit that it makes me afraid, uneasy, it terrifies me very much, sometimes I don't think about them, but if I do it often, unconsciously at night, sometimes I don't sleep thinking about it, I don't cry but it does make me insomnia, I tell myself, calm down, you're not going to solve anything like that, better go to sleep and take care of what you can do. I know that we cannot predict our end on this earthly plane, that it can happen at any moment, when you least expect it, but I would like it to be peaceful when it comes to my turn, to leave in peace with the life I had and above all for it to happen later. that my daughter is an independent woman, I am terrified of leaving her a defenseless child.
How can we make peace with death? Sometimes I think that one of the biggest fears lies in not living the life you wanted, seeing that the years go by and go and you find yourself stuck in a city or job that you don't like and, even worse, you can't go back in time to fix it. In my case, it frustrates me that in 7 years my daughter has not met my family, she has not been able to spend time with her grandparents and uncles, all because we are in different countries (no, we have not been able to meet) and who gives her back? childhood so that you can live those beautiful moments of childhood with the family, such as Christmas, birthdays and barbecue weekends, family trips?
Sometimes I think fatalistic things like: "life is too short for everything I want to do", I have so many plans in mind, so many things I want to do, learn, know and visit that it bothers me that I don't have the financial capacity to do so. Doing so sounds cruel, but money is practically everything, with money (whether Fiat, bitcoin or gold) you achieve almost everything, I'm not talking about excessive consumerism, I talked about having a home, food, access to quality health, recreation, access to move from point A to point B. It is very easy to be a hippie and say "money is not everything", "the visa is also about appreciating the details, the breeze, love, the sand on the feet "And great, it reads nice, but how do you enjoy a sunny day with an empty stomach? How do you enjoy the beach if you have nowhere to live? How do you enjoy listening to the birds if your child is sick and you don't have enough money to take him to a doctor?
Shit, those things happen and they're stressful, they're a pain, you want to enjoy the little time in this world but we're too busy semi-surviving. So I think those are one of the things that prevent us from coming to terms with death, realizing that you are already a certain age and you couldn't take that trip you dreamed of, having studied that career you wanted, not having managed to have that house that you wanted. You wanted so much, not to have given your children a better chance at life, I know, each with their own goals, but I think I have explained myself.