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hi stackers,
as a way to document some of my book writing journey, i will be posting excerpts now and then of my first draft! these may or may not be out of order, and i want to highlight some of my favorite parts of what i have so far. take care, and enjoy this little snippet!
  • your favorite bookstastacker
The 7:30pm weather is especially perfect this evening. It’s warm enough to be outside without a jacket, and the sounds of the breeze passing through the waist high grass creates a peaceful ambience. Longer days mean more light outside, and the blazing hot sun of the summer day has begun to fall. Kai and I are taking in the changing sunset. We are both sitting on a plush, light brown blanket with our hands propping us up, with the basket of snacks opened up right in between us. It turns the sky and accompanying clouds into a cotton candy array of colors. A gradient of purples, blues, and pinks are being painted across this tiny fraction of the Universe’s infinite canvas. As the sun continues to fall, it begins to bathe everything around us in golden hour light. My favorite time of the day.
With our snacks pretty much gone, I pop the last strawberry piece into my mouth. After finishing up, I ask, “Tell me your most unfiltered truths, feelings, or thoughts. If there’s anything that ponders your mind, I want to hear it before you leave.”
Another special thing about The Hills is Kai and I get to spill our guts out here. This is where we can go deep into honesty, no matter how weird, bizarre, or taboo things going on in our lives currently are, or seem to get. No judgment allowed.
There is silence for a good few seconds. I look over to see Kai laid out, and propped up on one elbow. He’s swirling his half shot of Umeshu around, contemplating his answer while looking out at the sunset that continues changing colors. He finishes the rest of his drink, and sets the empty glass down right next to him. After standing up and brushing some dried bits of dried up grass off of his sweatpants, he extends his hand toward me.
I look at it in slight suspicion, and take it anyway. Pulling me up with minimal effort, he turns toward his backpack and begins to reply with his answer.
“I feel like Soccer has encompassed so much of my life. So,why not take the shot and try it out for real ya know?” He unzips the big pocket, and I realize what he is doing almost instantly. It’s that time of day for some evening touches, a favorite pastime of ours, especially during the summer nights. I walk a few feet away from him to gives us some distance. He sets the ball down at his feet, and puts his hands on his hips as he continues with his answer. “It’s a crazy going abroad, let alone for three months doing the thing I love the most. So this is out of my comfort zone entirely.”
He kicks the ball toward me, and I stop it with my foot before kicking it back toward him. We establish this back and forth rhythm of passes as he continues with his thoughts. The sun finally dips down into the horizon, and it is easy to notice the brightest stars in the sky coming out from hiding.
“But it’s also crazy to think what I would be leaving out on the table if I don’t go. I’m tired of being stuck inside of my head with the What If’s and What Could Be’s, like, ‘What if I actually make a name for myself out there? What if I don’t go, and all opportunities to play for real are lost? What if I am signed right away, or what if I'm not?’ At the end of the day, I just don’t want to live with any regrets knowing I tried everything I could.”
Awesome that you are documenting your writing journey.
Do you want some feedback?
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feedback is always lovely thanks :)
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The first thing that struck me is maybe you are telling the reader things too directly rather than letting them intuit things from the writing.
Do I need to know it is 7:30pm? I think describing the sunset and the fact that it is cooler than earlier is the day enough. Unless it is for the reader to glean the characters are on a strict deadline or to show they have lost track of time, I don't think the precise time is necessary. The notion they have lost track of time could be interesting to help develop the idea that this is truly a special, meaningful place they go and they always lose track of time here. Or if you are trying to foreshadow that time is passing and a decision will need to be made to "stay the course" or "pursue the dream". In this case you should be more explicit about the character being surprised by the time or feeling like it is slipping away.
"the sounds of the breeze passing through the waist high grass creates a peaceful ambience'. Again rather than directly telling me it creates the perfect ambience maybe try and hint at it. Maybe the breeze gives the character a goosebumps or a slight shiver along the spine or makes them pause or lose their train of thought.
"We are both sitting on a plush, light brown blanket with our hands propping us up, with the basket of snacks opened up right in between us." I would suggest not using with a second time and just use and. Also you don't need to say opened up right in between us. You can simply say "with our hands propping us up, and the basket of snacks opened in between us."
"It turns the sky and accompanying clouds into a cotton candy array of colors. A gradient of purples, blues, and pinks are being painted across this tiny fraction of the Universe’s infinite canvas. As the sun continues to fall, it begins to bathe everything around us in golden hour light. My favorite time of the day." This is really lovely and I like how you ended it with my favourite time of day. It nicely completes the setting you are trying to create. Why golden hour light though? and I wouldn't say begins because if the sun is setting wouldn't it be bathing less of the landscape in light not more. But again these sentences are really nice overall. My favourite part of what you have posted.
"I pop the last strawberry piece into my mouth". Oddly phrased. Piece of strawberry or just strawberry seems cleaner in my opinion.
After finishing up, I ask, “Tell me your most unfiltered truths, feelings, or thoughts. If there’s anything that ponders your mind, I want to hear it before you leave.” I understand what you are trying to do here. You want kai to open up so you can talk about his dream to play soccer and wrestle with the "should I stay or should I go" idea. I like where you are going with this but I think the question could be worded better. Doesn't seem natural. Unless of course you have earlier developed this sort of way of speaking as a specific trait of your character. Maybe the character is an anxious person and knows he will be leaving soon so it is kind of an admission "I know we are running out of time and that makes me uncomfortable so tell me everything", but I think you would have to develop that sense in the reader earlier regarding that character.
"Another special thing about The Hills is Kai and I get to spill our guts out here. This is where we can go deep into honesty, no matter how weird, bizarre, or taboo things going on in our lives currently are, or seem to get. No judgment allowed. " I do like that you tried to explain the earlier line of questioning by letting the reader know this is where they can talk about anything. "deep into honesty" doesn't sound right. "where we can be most honest" or "where we can be brutally honest" maybe.
"There is silence for a good few seconds. I look over to see Kai laid out, and propped up on one elbow. He’s swirling his half shot of Umeshu around, contemplating his answer while looking out at the sunset that continues changing colors. He finishes the rest of his drink, and sets the empty glass down right next to him. After standing up and brushing some dried bits of dried up grass off of his sweatpants, he extends his hand toward me." I like the scene you are setting here. He is taking his time to answer but he knows what he wants to say. I like that he decides it is better to show the other character than just say it. A couple things he doesn't need to contemplate his answer, he can just be contemplating, the reader knows he is thinking about the question he was just asked. He doesn't need to finish the "rest" of his drink unless you want to emphasis he is delaying for some reason. You could just say "he finishes his drink and sets the empty glass down next to him".
"I look at it in slight suspicion, and take it anyway". I like but here instead of and.
"begins to reply with his answer.". Too wordy.
"He kicks the ball toward me, and I stop it with my foot before kicking it back toward him. We establish this back and forth rhythm of passes as he continues with his thoughts. The sun finally dips down into the horizon, and it is easy to notice the brightest stars in the sky coming out from hiding." I want a bit more here. It is still light enough to pass the ball around but evening is changing to night. Tell me a bit more about this and maybe how the characters interpret it. I really like this as an idea to change the visual setting a bit as he is going to assert he needs to pursue this dream.
Anyways, those are my thoughts as a reader. I really respect and appreciate you posting this and I hope you will interpret my feedback/constructive criticism as intended helpfulness and not me being an asshole and slagging your work.
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Thank you for this! I think this is great to keep in mind as I go forward. :)
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