To be fair, I am starting to think that calling Bitcoin an "investment" is not the right use of the word.

In either use case of bitcoin, SOV or MOE, we would not call it an investment. We typically do not say that people "invest in gold" or "invest in the US dollar". People speculate on its price, but it is not an "investment" because it doesn't produce streams of value. I think this nomenclature is why so many tradfi folks get tripped up on Bitcoin, because they evaluate it through the lens of a traditional "investment" when it's not.

But that doesn't mean you shouldn't hold Bitcoin, just as it doesn't mean you shouldn't hold dollars or gold. In terms of Bitcoin, the speculative value is indeed very high because of its strong underlying characteristics as both a MOE and SOV, while adoption is still low. It also has inherent utility for some use cases, especially since it is a portable asset that's hard to confiscate and easy to move internationally. Just as it's wise to hold some fiat (e.g. for emergency spending), even though it's not a productive asset, it's also wise to hold some Bitcoin for the reasons listed above.