I am a father.
I’m blessed to have one boy and one girl. The characters for ‘boy’ and ‘girl’ add up to ‘good’ (好) in my mother tongue.
Yet, I have declared unabashedly to my colleagues and friends that I hate parenting to the core. I have elaborated my struggles on my blog post titled “Confessions of a Burnt-Out Father”.
But this post isn’t about my parenting stresses and trauma. It is about why I would choose the same route again even if I am sick and tired of my current life. Case in point: I am in Japan, but I find myself at Toys R Us. I can imagine all you passionate travellers out there giving horrified gasps. Yes, it’s a waste of time, but I have no choice. Apparently, my children’s needs trump all.
So, just what is that silver lining in these ominous clouds if parenting is a humongous black hole that sucks all my time, energy and money and singlehandedly destroys my social life and ruptures my hobbies? I think for those who dislike being tied down to their kids, parenting is like being submerged underwater half the time. Then somehow you inexplicably break free and take in those glorious breaths of free air desperately. After a while, you learn to look out for them and tell yourself that yup, life could have been worse.
Simple pleasures of parenting that prevent me from going over the edge
- There are few things in life as gratifying as watching your children learn how to speak. My two-year-old daughter is in the process of forming simple sentences. The other day, she was so chuckled when she said “妈妈大便 (Mummy is defecating”. Call me juvenile, but I was tickled pink by her linguistic gem.
- My family and I picked up my five-year-old son at his preschool the other day. My son proudly showed his little sister his “territory”. Believe me, sibling squabbles are the worst, but it also feels good when your elder child is looking out for your younger one.
- When your son falls in love with stuff you can’t care less about, pursues it wholeheartedly and uses it to bond with people in your circle. An example is my son being currently obsessed with “Pokemon Go”. I have downloaded the app upon his request. He chats regularly with his grandfather - who is his Pokemon friend by the way. He also exchanges daily gifts with one of my long-time friends who was my JC classmate. Frankly, seeing your child come into his own is the most heartwarming thing to witness.
- Parenting is expensive and my children have way too many toys. But just today, I found myself buying two more books, one for each child. (You need to play fair!) Well, they aren’t too much into reading and can probably get through life without these two books. But I realise I am also buying them for my own sake. Books that pinpoint their passions (elephants and Plarail vehicles) at this current point in time. It’s not entirely true that money can’t buy happiness. I certainly felt good about myself when I paid for my purchase. I’m a considerate father! We will create some fond memories together with these books!
- When your child spots you amidst a sea of people and comes dashing to you, shouting, “Paaaaaaapppppppa” with a huge grin on his/her face and dying to be hugged. I tell you, that spilt second of feeling needed is priceless. Remember, we are all dispensable in this pragmatic workforce, but you are your children’s one and only Superhero.
This is why parenting is so freaking hard. Those moments and incidents I describe are mere raindrops of respite that happen in blink-and-you-will-miss-it moments. They get buried in the larger maelstrom of tantrums, incessant questioning, whining. Trust me, I feel you. I just confessed to my parents-in-law the other day that I not only spend way too long at the toilet, but also love using my phone there. These simple pleasures are few and far between. And when they happen, they may do little to mitigate the bigger existential issues of wth am I doing with my life?!
All I can do is to bide my time, following the low time preference principle. My kids will grow up and need me less eventually. I will just need to stay sane till then.
Hang in there, my fellow exhausted parents.