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I know you're right. I believe something deeply profound would change in me as soon as I do.
But the problem is.... it feels like I'm perpetuating a bug in the system. My child will then need to eventually have a child in order to find the same peace. It's not lasting peace, it feels like a lie the parent must invent in order to retain their sanity... similar to why people invent and believe in god stories.
I'm a dev and a mathematician. To me, having a child so that I can improve myself feels like an infinite loop with no closure.... an unbalanced equation. I feel like I need to figure out how to have low time preference and work on intergenerational value without having to have a kid in order to do it. Only then will I be worthy of it. Bringing a new life into this violent world needs to mean more than just my personal growth. It needs to have a greater meaning and purpose than myself and my feelings.
Clearly, I'm confused. And my time is pretty much up. No more time to figure it out. :(
You certainly don't have to do it for yourself. The vast majority of people are glad they exist, so you could do it for the potentially millions of awesome people who can only exist if you choose to have a kid. It's an unfathomable gift to give to the future.
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I realized what Love truly was after my son was born.
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