I assumed it was just a random copypasta from the depths of the web and finding an author would be hard but it appears this is the author.

So credit goes to one Tom O’Donnell at the New Yorker:

Without paywall: https://www.removepaywall.com/search?url=https://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/l-p-d-libertarian-police-department