being an enabler \ stacker news ~mostly

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12.7k sats \ 19 comments \ @k00b 22 Jun mostly_harmless

i'm good at setting boundaries to protect myself in specific ways, but i'm bad at protecting things i don't value or things i enjoy providing - especially when they make other people happy. this isn't much of a problem when my counterpart is healthy (in a general sense). healthy people only take a cookie from my cookie jar when they need one or have earned it. healthy people tend to understand that free cookies are dangerous. unhealthy people tend to structure their entire diet around my cookie jar and i have a hard time taking the cookie jar away.

i know that a diet of cookies will ruin a person but unhealthy people tend to not think that way. suggest that you remove the cookie jar and they begin to dysfunction. so i defuse my concern: they know themselves best. maybe it's not the cookies causing these problems after all. maybe there aren't enough cookies. maybe they're the wrong kind of cookie. surely they understand how bad a cookie-based diet is. we've talked about it a bunch. they're probably an exception. they must really need them.

at root, enabling is one of many manifestations of my insecurities. enabling makes me feel needed. it makes me feel impossible to abandon. it makes me feel unlikely to be left alone. at least i'll always have the company of these cookie addicts. only, it's harming me in a dull and gradual way, in a way i didn't know i was vulnerable to. i don't have cookies left for healthy people, cookies for people with their own cookie jars, or cookies for people that actually need cookies. i don't have cookies left for myself. all so I can give unhealthy people cookies they don't need and cookies that i don't need to give them.

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152 sats \ 0 replies \ @didiplaywell 21h

The entire post reduces solely to this:

"enabling is one of many manifestations of my insecurities. enabling makes me feel needed. it makes me feel impossible to abandon. it makes me feel unlikely to be left alone"

The rest is barely a symptom, so focusing on that will not cure the sickness. Cookie addicts don't have a problem here, let them be. You have a problem.

This is one of the reasons I consider libertarianism almost a religion, and Adam Smith's book a bible, where this phrase alone comes up over and over as its main verse, a truth old as time:

"By pursuing his own interest, men frequently promotes that of the society more effectually than when he really intends to promote it."

If you really want to help others, if you really want to be needed, focus on you first. The rest will come.

50 sats \ 5 replies \ @SimpleStacker 22 Jun

Without trying to probe too personally, what are the cookies you're referring? Time? Attention? Money? Emotional energy?

100 sats \ 4 replies \ @k00b OP 22 Jun

the cookie isn't specific. i tend to give away things, anything, i think i don't need, expecting people to self-regulate and sometimes they don't. my realization here is that i don't mind (enough) (probably) that some people don't self-regulate because it soothes my insecurity.

i'm sorry it's so abstract but the problem is abstract (and being specific is unfair to anyone i've enabled).

i think the solution is to think more about the harm of giving things away. it's kind of like all the distortions that economic stimulus/government aid create.

100 sats \ 2 replies \ @optimism 23h

i think the solution is to think more about the harm of giving things away.

I used to be an enabler myself, and what I nowadays do to prevent it is the following check:

Does my action reward or is it just generosity?
- If reward, is it deserved?
  - If yes, do it.
  - If no, don't do it - save it for a better cause.
- If generosity, does it make an impact?
  - if no, don't do it - save it for a better cause.
  - If yes, did I do this to the same person recently?
    - If yes, don't do it - it will make people complacent
    - If no, do it.

100 sats \ 1 reply \ @k00b OP 23h

Great subroutine!

0 sats \ 0 replies \ @optimism 23h

It's tough to deal with telling myself "no"!

21 sats \ 0 replies \ @Signal312 22h

I second the idea of thinking more about the harm of giving things away. People treat things with much more respect if they have to pay for it.

59 sats \ 3 replies \ @Undisciplined 22 Jun

This sounds like a very healthy realization. Or, have you known this for awhile and are just articulating it now?

FWIW, I'll still be here if you take the cookie jar away.

59 sats \ 2 replies \ @k00b OP 22 Jun

~lol i was concerned about people thinking i was obliquely talking about sn (i'm not). i was going to post it anon but doing that in ~mostly_harmless would cost 42k sats.

Or, have you known this for awhile and are just articulating it now?

No, I don't think so. I came to grips with being an enabler awhile ago and learned to set boundaries, but I never tried to figure out why I kept doing it.

200 sats \ 0 replies \ @Undisciplined 22 Jun

You must really be enabling people, if you weren't talking about Stacker News.

I'll adjust my statement accordingly. The set of people who will stick with you without the cookie jar is non-empty.

59 sats \ 0 replies \ @jasonb 22 Jun

i was concerned about people thinking i was obliquely talking about sn (i'm not)

Now I just hope you’re not talking about downzaps specifically.

but doing that in ~mostly_harmless would cost 42k sats.

It sounds like @elvismercury has a really good handle on setting boundaries.

Seriously, thanks, great observation! Hopefully, whatever situation inspired this post gets resolved soon (unless it actually is downzaps, I’ll fight tooth and nail for the opportunity to abuse that privilege).

214 sats \ 2 replies \ @freetx 22 Jun

One thing being a parent really does teach you is that enforcing some discipline is an act of love. I don't mean being the "screaming shouting you can't do anything right" form of discipline, but simply setting reasonable limits and expectations.

104 sats \ 1 reply \ @k00b OP 22 Jun

Great point. I'd expect to have to do that with children but I thought adults were an exception.

0 sats \ 0 replies \ @Bell_curve 19h

Adults are an exception lol

Most of us never grow up. Our bodies get older but not our mental and emotional maturity or intelligence

17 sats \ 0 replies \ @seashell 7h

I used to think boundaries were like walls but turns out they’re more like filters. if you don’t set them, the good gets drowned out by the needy. been there, gave too much got nothing back but burnout and people who stuck around for the handouts, not the hang. The hardest part is realizing you built the system that’s draining you.

10 sats \ 0 replies \ @RideandSmile 22 Jun

Write a note at the top of the jar for those who is going to take a cookie in order to make them think..or doubt or...

100 sats \ 0 replies \ @Mishawaka 22 Jun

Decades ago, I ate an entire box of Oreos after smoking marijuana.

Boy did I have gas the next day

0 sats \ 0 replies \ @orto 11h

This topic seems like an article written by someone who has been exposed to narcissistic people. I would say check the people around you. They may be directing you to be like this.😉

0 sats \ 0 replies \ @0xbitcoiner 22 Jun

keep cookies rolling!