My sense of self is highly entwined with my wife Johanna: we work together, we always talk, and we became adults together. It used to be hard on me when she had to travel, I rapidly got sad and didn’t eat properly and so on, regressing I guess. I just couldn’t see the meaning in making food just for me! Or make the house look good, etc.
Then my friend Alice died, and I watched her husband handle the grief. His energy was very much “Alice enabled me to become a person I’m proud of, and if I keep living the way she enabled me to live, I honor and keep a part of her alive, the part that worked itself into me”—and there was such strength in that. He was sad of course, but there was almost a holy energy about him.
I have no idea if I could honor the dead with such grace, but seeing him changed something deep inside of me. I now feel like I carry the love of everyone I care for, present or not, alive or not, and try to live as close as possible to the best version of me that their presence enabled. It buttresses me. Psychologically, I guess it is similar to mental move that deeply religious Christians do when they make themselves feel an all power and loving God looking over them.