I've been dating this girl and it's been messy. On a soul level we completely vibe but god it's been nothing but triggering to my abandonment wound. I did some research and this is what you call a karmic relationship: two people that teach each other lessons as a sort of soul contract, but it's not meant to last and it's highly toxic.
Honestly, she's having an affair, so she's been quite unavailable from the get-go. Furthermore she's addicted to alcohol cigarettes, weed, her telephone, pleasing strangers and much more. It's a total disaster and these things keep interrupting the dates. She's always late, gets drunk, then we get into arguments, or she gets into fights with people on the street. It's quite the show. Entertainment guaranteed.
At this point you might think, well, what the hell are you dating her for? And it's a good question. I ask myself the same thing. Here are a few reasons:
- We are both empaths, and it's kinda rare for an empath to find another one so that certainly plays a role; and finding that bond is really magical, because when it's good we feel really deeply for each other. 2. We had similar upbringings which is enabling a strong compassion. To such an extent that I can look past her troubles and see the real her.
- My ego is really getting a kick out of trying to fix her in order to finally receive her love. This is my mother wound and I know I have it.
- She's similarly getting a kick out of me, because she knows I believe I'm abandoned and she likes to give me a better feeling. We are both fixers in this sense. And this creates the addictive rollercoaster dynamic. Both our personalities believe that to be worthy is to help the other.
We have really passionate dates and they are amazing (despite the issues). But the day after when she's unavailable due to official obligations, I cycle through the most overwhelming feelings of abandonment. It's not fun. They usually last for a day or two and then I'm regulated again and nothing's wrong anymore. I'm not new to this feeling btw, abandonment has resurfaced in previous relationships as well.
But today something special happened. The abandonment overwhelm got really bad in the afternoon, to such an extent that I couldn't take much more pain. And then the thought popped up in my mind: "Well, perhaps God has abandoned me." And suddenly I could see the absurdity of it all. I had to laugh. My whole story dropped and my maya completely dissolved.
I spent the rest of the day in pure satori.
I don't think I'm done yet with my abandonment story. But something was released today. The part of me that depends on needing to fix her showed its fake nature. As it was gone for most of the day.
Ok, that's my wild story. Hope you enjoyed it.