I'm fully aware that family is important, but every family is different; All I want from mine is to leave me alone, they have nothing to do in their life, which is a bit sad to see, but I would like to avoid that empty and negative energy. I don't know if it's called selfish, but each conversation is draining.
Sometimes I think about how I'd deal with my kids in the future, I would like them to be happy. We spend some nice time together from time to time, not forcing them to be around all the time, because I would have my own hobby to be busy with.
How do stackers deal with your own family, and what would you do in my situation?
I grew up with very little family and was pretty much living in an empty house at 15, my parents divorced, my sister living with my aunt, and my mom frequently gone. It sounds like you have what I didn't and I had what you claim to want. Unsurprisingly, I have a different perspective on family and people generally: everyone has something to offer and "toxic" people are better than no people.
The people I've met that are disgruntled with their family want it both ways: expect their family's help in crisis but don't want to pay the premium of relationship management/maintenance. When you have no family, and no safety net, you realize how much of a tight rope walk life is. If you are okay with eventually splatting onto concrete, and in the meantime living with the vigilance required to avoid splatting onto concrete, perhaps you want what you claim. Otherwise, I recommend paying the relationship premium and accepting your part in shaping how expensive those relationships are.
IMHO if your head is on right, have a strong sense of self, and don't have a leaky social membrane, a few "draining" family relationships are less expensive than no family relationships. Usually, maintaining a relationship requires, at most, listening to people speak and showing up when they're in crisis. Usually, you get the same from them in return and that's only the transactional part. There are many positive and subtle side effects to having people in your life who you know will listen and show up when you're in crisis.
Thanks for sharing, it's good to hear different perspectives.
Honestly, just see them on the core holidays and when you are needed. You don't need to go above and beyond. I do this because I am far, I only see my parents and family 2-3 times a year, just because I am so far from them.
You could move away from them, hawaii, overseas etc - naturally the cost of flights and time difference will add friction to not see them as much.
I don't. I've cut off all of them, and I'm much happier. That reads very harsh, but in reality I gave mulitple chances, put up with tons of BS I shouldn't have out of obligation, and then even gave 2nd chances after the worst occurred. They couldn't help themselves but revert to the same behavior. So, I cut them all off. And, at least for me, I've been much happier. It is a bit awkward now, with many of my peers now having to take care of their parents and here's me being "baggage-free" but it is what it is. I have no illusions that my kids watched all this and could do the same to me, but I've never put any obligation on them to take care of me either in my old age. So, there's that.
Strong boundaries create healthy relationships.
If you communicated them, they keep crossing them and you can’t enforce them, for example because you live with them, then you need to find your own space where you can.
My family expects me to be around and make them happy, but I've got so many things on my hands; I wish they would ask me if I'm happy or not, all they do is complain or ask for money.
Yes.
Lookup philosopher Stefan Molyneux at freedomain.com. He's written extensively on the subject, the book is Real-Time Relationships.
I don't think family being important means family gets unlimited access to you. I've found boundaries work better than either extreme. You don't have to cut people out completely, but you also don't have to answer every call, attend every gathering or stay in conversations that consistently leave you drained.
I also think your point about your future kids is important. My goal wouldn't be to make my kids feel obligated to spend time with me as adults. I'd rather build the kind of relationship where they actually want to. Mine are still young, so I haven't ruined it yet.
I guess I would say spend less energy enforcing the relationship and more energy making it one people value.
This is important. I feel like it’s one’s duty to respect and take care of one’s parents because they gave birth and raised you when you were vulnerable.
However, sometimes parents might take their children for granted, but they shouldn’t. As a parent, it’s also important to put yourself in the child’s position.
Siblings however, if they’re toxic or you don’t get along or have chemistry anymore.. bye bye not worth it wasting anyone’s time too much.
Good to still keep in formal terms with them in case you have to manage your parents stuff together with them in the future.
Be the force within them, tell them how bad this negativity is and propose to help in what you get and what really matters. Otherwise, the removal is a solution to not poison yourself.
I think, like with everyone else, it all comes down to your ability to set and enforce boundaries. Easier said than done, I know, especially with family.
Good luck!
Not all families are perfect, but at the end of the day, family is what matters most. Whilst it’s true that there are some relatives you simply can’t do anything about, and it’s always best to keep them at a distance.
My parents are Christians and understand boundaries. When I told my dad I wanted to get married, he immediately helped me find a place to rent with some of his friends and helped me find things to furnish the house. And when I told him I was going to emigrate and leave the country, he climbed on a chair and took some money from the kitchen ceiling and gave it to me. That really changed my life for the better.
On my wife's side, her mother is Christian, but her father isn't and is quite toxic, as you mentioned. He wanted to control her life even after we were married, and we had some really bad encounters. But from the beginning, we tried to set clear boundaries, and quickly, because we saw it coming even before we got married.
When you're going to start a family, you have to know that you're going to leave the home where you were born, and understand that what you're building is yours. Others can help you and give you advice, but you shouldn't let them "enter" your life unnecessarily.
Family is essential and necessary. Now that we've migrated, we've experienced firsthand what it's like to be alone and need them, to have no one around, and to have to fend for ourselves.
We've also learned in these three years that there's a "family" we don't yet know but have created. People we never imagined have come into our home and are almost more like family than blood relatives; they're the friends we've made here in another country.
literally me; last thing i said was a cheerful "bye bye!" and galloped away into the unknown; too much friction to self-development, lasted decades;