This is Chapter 16 of The Universal Good Deal, you may want to start at the beginning or go back to Chapter 15.

16

It is said that when Welles heard that these Aliens had come from the most famous celebrity of the whole galaxy, she received them honorably and submitted obediently to their commercial majesty.¹ When an audience was finally arranged, she came out to receive them, attended by hundreds of nobles, all barefooted and dressed in livery.² And then they say that in the presence of her peers, and to their no small amazement, Welles placed the Aliens behind her desk, and surrendered up her rights, and those of all Martians, with the following speech:³

'It is well for us, O brothers, that you come so far to see us!⁴ Until now, I have never seen Aliens, nor have our ancestors known anything of these things.⁵ But I am not so simple as not to know that it is better to laugh and be merry with the Aliens, and being their friends, to have these marvelous things that you sell, than to live as we did before you came, cold in the woods, eating nuts and roots and other such trash.⁶ I have now seen the goodness and shrewdness of the Aliens.⁷ Hence, you may be sure that we shall obey you, and throughout the whole country you may command at your will, because you will be obeyed, and recognized, and all that we possess is at your disposal.⁸ You may have me whenever you wish.'⁹

Much has been made by Alien historians about the deep emotion of this moment, when an independent and absolute monarch, in obedience less to the dictates of fear than of love, thus relinquished her rights in favor of an unknown and mysterious power.¹⁰ We are assured that there was not one among the Aliens who did not feel great compassion,¹¹ and even that a few natural tears sprang to their white eyes.¹²

Now, it seems to me that this version of events must be apocryphal. Nothing in the personality of Welles that we have discovered from the many other details of her life leads us to believe that she would have surrendered in such a manner. And indeed, her future acts as their leader clearly demonstrate that she was working against the Aliens as openly as she dared. All that I can say of such a story is: believe it if you can.

I think it is much more likely that it was during these doomed days, before the monetary systems of Earth nearly collapsed, that Welles began to entertain the idea of the Investigator expedition. Any weakness she exhibited was likely a strategy to buy time. Though she disliked Flinders, he had spoken so that he fascinated her.¹³ His emphasis on confidence got her thinking on how she might restore it in the populace. Instead of surrendering, I believe that she came up with the idea of sending people to space. But I am getting ahead of myself.

Rather, it seems to me that the meeting must have gone in the following manner.

Welles greeted the Aliens from behind her favorite desk, one supposedly made from the timbers of an old exploring vessel.

'I am Ursula Welles, our people's chosen leader, and I greet you in their name.'

'Greetings to you, Martian,' said one of the Aliens, 'And thank you for your business.'

'We have many important matters to discuss,' said Welles. 'But, first, I should point out to you that we call this planet Earth. The planet we call Mars is farther from our star and uninhabited.'

'Of course,' replied the Alien. 'We know what you call this planet. Unfortunately, a minor mistake was made, substituting the name of the one planet for the other in our charts. But promotional materials have already been produced, files and databases populated with the name, and it would be quite bothersome to redo all that, so we'd rather continue to call you Martians, if you don't mind.'

Before Welles could say whether she minded or not, the Alien produced a paperweight and said, 'We would like to offer you a free paperweight as a token of our appreciation. Should you care to purchase a second one, we will of course continue to honor the Universal Good Deal.'

Welles accepted the paperweight and said, 'Thank you for this gift, but I do not understand what you mean by universal good deal.'

'Buy two, get three free,' said the Alien, 'First Contact is always initiated with the UGD. Every form of life capable of exchange and trade recognizes that it really is a good deal.'

'You speak of many life forms,' said Welles. 'Until now, our people has only been aware of those forms of life on this planet. Where do you come from?'

'Heaven is perhaps the easiest way to explain it.'¹⁴

Welles expressed her disbelief at this statement.

'More or less,' said the Alien. 'But, we're not talking about religion or mysticism here. Heaven is the best word you have to describe the relationship of our home to yours. Your concept of space is confused. But with heaven, you have the idea of a place that is elsewhere than here, and yet capable of connection—few of your people imagine that actual distance has anything to do with where heaven is.'

'How did you get here?'

'In a spaceship, of course. We were able to come directly to your system, using the gravity of one of the gas giants as a guide.'

I think there can be no doubt that in this matter Welles truly did resemble the wondering savage.¹⁵

'I have seen a sample of what you are offering,' said Welles, lifting the paperweight. 'May I ask what you seek from us?'

'We accept all forms of legal tender,' said the Alien.

'What—you want money?' asked Welles.

'Cold hard cash, as you say. To trade by the means of money is the code of all beings of good will.'¹⁶

'You do know that we mostly use paper for money? It's not gold, or silver or any precious metal.'

At this all the Aliens laughed politely.

'We would hardly trade our goods for mere shiny rocks! Be reassured, madame, we all love you,'¹⁷ said the Alien. 'Our system is to live in perpetual peace with you Martians; to cultivate an affectionate attachment from you, by everything just and liberal which we can do for you within the bounds of reason.¹⁸ We Aliens desire to assist the peoples of this planet to protest their lack of goods and have no territorial, military or political ambitions on the planet, but desire only that you should be left in peace to work out your destinies in your own way.¹⁹ We shall leave you, your families, and your children, and your lands, free without servitude, that you may do with yourselves freely that which you like and think best, and we shall not compel you to trade with us unless you yourselves, when informed of our prices and goods, should wish to trade with us—as all the inhabitants of all the other worlds we have reached have so done.'²⁰

'You will forgive me if I say that all this sounds a little too good to be true,' said Welles.

'The utmost good faith shall always be observed towards the Martians,' protested the Alien. 'I repeat, your land and property shall never be taken from you without your consent; and in your property, rights, and liberty, you never shall be invaded or disturbed, unless in just and lawful wars authorized by the Prime Celebrity; but laws founded in justice and humanity shall from time to time be made for preventing wrongs being done to you, and for preserving peace and friendship with you.'²¹

'It seems we have much to learn from you,' said Welles. 'But in order for our two peoples to truly embark on such a relationship of mutual exchange, there is a matter we must clear up. I think I speak for all of us when I say that Mr Barrow does not speak for us and is not authorized to conduct negotiations on our behalf.'²²

It may have seemed incredible to readers thus far that a figure as insignificant as Barrow should act so brazen with the leaders of nations—even if they were somewhat primitive. There can be no doubt that the Aliens were aware of his insignificance, but it was their tradition to empower such an unimportant actor to speak for a whole species as it usually facilitated higher sales. A side effect of the arrangement, of course, was that it elevated Barrow over all his fellow beings.

The Aliens held faith with their choice, flatly refusing any intermediary except Barrow; so profitable an instrument had he made himself by this time that the Aliens could not miss him.²³

But the Aliens said other courteous things, and calmed Welles' anxiety by the mildest language in their power, giving her to understand that their visit would not be attended with injury, but advantage to all Martians.²⁴

As they spoke, Welles noticed that one of the Aliens was staring at her most intently. When the Alien finally concluded his speech, she asked what he was doing.

'Oh, he's a notary,'²⁵ said the Alien.

Thus they all became friends,²⁶ and Barrow continued with them, and was their intermediary, and was a special instrument of use beyond the Aliens' expectation.²⁷

Chapter 17 tomorrow, same time, same place.

When Mantetunia heard that these people had come from the most powerful lord of the whole world, he received them honorably and submitted obediently to your Imperial majesty. Anonymous, Ein Schone Newe Zeytung 1522, translated by Matthew Restall 2018 ↩
When we had passed the bridge, the Senor Muteczuma came out to receive us, attended by about two hundred nobles, all barefooted and dressed in livery, or a peculiar garb of fine cotton, richer than is usually worn. Hernán Cortés de Monroy, The Despatches of Hernando Cortes, the Conqueror of Mexico, Addressed to the Emperor Charles V. Written During the Conquest, and Containing a Narrative of its Events, Tr. George Folsom 1843 ↩
Montezuma plac'd Corte on a Golden Throne, and surrendered up his Right to his Catholick Majesty of Spain, in the presence of all his Peers, to their no small amazement. John Ogilby, America: Being an Accurate Description of the New World 1670 ↩
It is well for us, O brothers,/ That you come so far to see us! Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, The Song of Hiawatha 1855 ↩
Until now I have never seen Christians, nor have my ancestors known anything of these things; and I have lived as they lived. Atahualpa, attributed by Francisco Xeres, Narrative of the Conquest of Peru 1534 in Clements R Markham, Reports of the Discovery of Peru 1872 ↩
I am not so simple, as not to know it is better to eat good meat, lie well, and sleep quietly with my women and children; to laugh and be merry with the English; and, being their friend, to have copper, hatchets, and whatever else I want, than to fly from all, to lie cold in the woods, feed upon acorns, roots, and such trash, and to be so hunted, that I cannot rest, eat, or sleep. Powhatan, attributed by Samuel G Drake, Biography and History of the Indians of North America 1834 ↩
I have now seen the goodness and daring of the Spaniards. Atahualpa, attributed by Francisco Xeres, Narrative of the Conquest of Peru 1534 in Clements R Markham, Reports of the Discovery of Peru 1872 ↩
Hence you may be sure, that we shall obey you, and hold you as the representative of this great lord of whom you speak, and that in this there will be no lack or deception; and throughout the whole country you may command at your will (I speak of what I possess in my dominions), because you will be obeyed, and recognised, and all we possess is at your disposal. Montezuma, attributed by Hernán Cortés, Second Letter of Relation to Emperor Charles V. 30 October 1520 in Letters of Cortes, Translated by Francis A MacNutt 1908 ↩
All that I possess, you may have whenever you wish. Montezuma, attributed by Hernán Cortés, Second Letter of Relation to Emperor Charles V. 30 October 1520 in Letters of Cortes, Translated by Francis A MacNutt 1908 ↩
There was something deeply touching in the ceremony by which an independent and absolute monarch, in obedience less to the dictates of fear than of conscience, thus relinquished his hereditary rights in favor of an unknown and mysterious power. William H Prescott, History of the Conquest of Mexico 1843 ↩
And I assure Your Sacred Majesty, that there was not one among the Spaniards who heard this discourse who did not feel great compassion. Hernán Cortés, Second Letter of Relation to Emperor Charles V. 30 October 1520 in Letters of Cortes, Translated by Francis A MacNutt 1908 ↩
While the monarch concluded these words, a few natural tears suffused his eyes, while the image of ancient independence, perhaps, flitted across his mind. William H Prescott, History of the Conquest of Mexico 1843 ↩
He talked to so that he fascinated me; and as soon as he was gone the charm left me. New York Herald 10 October 1849 ↩
Dioses deben ser estos, que vienen de do nasce el sol. Francisco Cervantes de Salazar, Chronicle of New Spain 1560 ↩
The wondering savages were won by this benignity; they now supposed that the ships had sailed out of the crystal firmament which bounded their horizon, or that they had descended from above on their ample wings, and that these marvellous beings were inhabitants of the skies. Washington Irving, A History of the Life and Voyages of Christopher Columbus 1828 ↩
To trade by the means of money is the code of men of good will. Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged 1957 ↩
Tranquilizate, senor: todos te amamos. Francisco Monterde, Moctezuma: El de la Silla de Oro 1945 ↩
Our system is to live in perpetual peace with the Indians, to cultivate an affectionate attachment from them, by everything just and liberal which we can do for them within the bounds of reason, and by giving them effectual protection against wrongs from our own people. Thomas Jefferson, Letter to William Henry Harrison 27 February 1803 ↩
Whereas the United States is assisting the peoples of southeast Asia to protest their freedom and has no territorial, military or political ambitions in that area, but desires only that these people should be left in peace to work out their destinies in their own way. Tonkin Gulf Resolution 1964 ↩
and we in their name shall receive you in all love and charity, and shall leave you, your wives, and your children, and your lands, free without servitude, that you may do with them and with yourselves freely that which you like and think best, and they shall not compel you to turn Christians, unless you yourselves, when informed of the truth, should wish to be converted to our Holy Catholic Faith, as almost all the inhabitants of the rest of the islands have done. Juan Lopez de Palacios Rubios, Requerimiento 1513 ↩
The utmost good faith shall always be observed towards the Indians; their land and property shall never be taken from them without their consent; and in the property, rights, and liberty, they never shall be invaded or disturbed, unless in just and lawful wars authorized by Congress; but laws founded in justice and humanity shall from time to time be made for preventing wrongs being done to them, and for preserving peace and friendship with them. Northwest Ordinance, Congress of the Articles of Confederation, 13 July 1787 ↩
But not long after his departure, he sent a messenger to the Governor, entreating him to give way to the death of Tisquantum, who had so much abused him. Edward Winslow, Good News From New England 1624 ↩
Yet was he so necessary and profitable an instrument, as at that time we could not miss him. Edward Winslow, Good News From New England 1624 ↩
I made them a courteous reply, and calmed their anxiety by the mildest language in my power, giving them to understand that my visit would not be attended with injury, but advantage to Muteczuma. Hernán Cortés de Monroy, The Despatches of Hernando Cortes, the Conqueror of Mexico, Addressed to the Emperor Charles V. Written During the Conquest, and Containing a Narrative of its Events, Tr. George Folsom 1843 ↩
We request the notary here present to give us his testimony in writing. Juan Lopez de Palacios Rubios, Requerimiento 1513 ↩
Thus we all became friends. Hernán Cortés de Monroy, Letter Sent to the Queen Dona Juana, and Emperor Charles V., her son, by the Judiciary and Municipal Authorities of the Villa Rica de la Vera Cruz, 10 July 1519 translated by Francis McNutt 1908 ↩
But Squanto continued with them, and was their interpreter, and was a spetiall instrument sent of God for their good beyond their expectation. William Bradford, Of Plimouth Plantation, 1646 ↩

0 sats \ 0 replies \ @k00b 4 Jan

To trade by the means of money is the code of men of good will.

I like these aliens. It reminds me of @elvismercury's grumpiness with Three Body Problem and our discussion about how powerful aliens would be benevolent instead.

I don't suspect I'll like these aliens for very long though ...

The utmost good faith shall always be observed towards the Indians; their land and property shall never be taken from them without their consent; and in the property, rights, and liberty, they never shall be invaded or disturbed, unless in just and lawful wars authorized by Congress; but laws founded in justice and humanity shall from time to time be made for preventing wrongs being done to them, and for preserving peace and friendship with them. Northwest Ordinance, Congress of the Articles of Confederation, 13 July 1787

Ooooof

16

Footnotes