This is Chapter 16 of The Universal Good Deal, you may want to start at the beginning or go back to Chapter 15.

It is said that when Welles heard that these Aliens had come from the most famous celebrity of the whole galaxy, she received them honorably and submitted obediently to their commercial majesty.¹ When an audience was finally arranged, she came out to receive them, attended by hundreds of nobles, all barefooted and dressed in livery.² And then they say that in the presence of her peers, and to their no small amazement, Welles placed the Aliens behind her desk, and surrendered up her rights, and those of all Martians, with the following speech:³

'It is well for us, O brothers, that you come so far to see us!⁴ Until now, I have never seen Aliens, nor have our ancestors known anything of these things.⁵ But I am not so simple as not to know that it is better to laugh and be merry with the Aliens, and being their friends, to have these marvelous things that you sell, than to live as we did before you came, cold in the woods, eating nuts and roots and other such trash.⁶ I have now seen the goodness and shrewdness of the Aliens.⁷ Hence, you may be sure that we shall obey you, and throughout the whole country you may command at your will, because you will be obeyed, and recognized, and all that we possess is at your disposal.⁸ You may have me whenever you wish.'⁹

Much has been made by Alien historians about the deep emotion of this moment, when an independent and absolute monarch, in obedience less to the dictates of fear than of love, thus relinquished her rights in favor of an unknown and mysterious power.¹⁰ We are assured that there was not one among the Aliens who did not feel great compassion,¹¹ and even that a few natural tears sprang to their white eyes.¹²

Now, it seems to me that this version of events must be apocryphal. Nothing in the personality of Welles that we have discovered from the many other details of her life leads us to believe that she would have surrendered in such a manner. And indeed, her future acts as their leader clearly demonstrate that she was working against the Aliens as openly as she dared. All that I can say of such a story is: believe it if you can.

I think it is much more likely that it was during these doomed days, before the monetary systems of Earth nearly collapsed, that Welles began to entertain the idea of the Investigator expedition. Any weakness she exhibited was likely a strategy to buy time. Though she disliked Flinders, he had spoken so that he fascinated her.¹³ His emphasis on confidence got her thinking on how she might restore it in the populace. Instead of surrendering, I believe that she came up with the idea of sending people to space. But I am getting ahead of myself.

Rather, it seems to me that the meeting must have gone in the following manner.

Welles greeted the Aliens from behind her favorite desk, one supposedly made from the timbers of an old exploring vessel.

'I am Ursula Welles, our people's chosen leader, and I greet you in their name.'

'Greetings to you, Martian,' said one of the Aliens, 'And thank you for your business.'

'We have many important matters to discuss,' said Welles. 'But, first, I should point out to you that we call this planet Earth. The planet we call Mars is farther from our star and uninhabited.'

'Of course,' replied the Alien. 'We know what you call this planet. Unfortunately, a minor mistake was made, substituting the name of the one planet for the other in our charts. But promotional materials have already been produced, files and databases populated with the name, and it would be quite bothersome to redo all that, so we'd rather continue to call you Martians, if you don't mind.'

Before Welles could say whether she minded or not, the Alien produced a paperweight and said, 'We would like to offer you a free paperweight as a token of our appreciation. Should you care to purchase a second one, we will of course continue to honor the Universal Good Deal.'

Welles accepted the paperweight and said, 'Thank you for this gift, but I do not understand what you mean by universal good deal.'

'Buy two, get three free,' said the Alien, 'First Contact is always initiated with the UGD. Every form of life capable of exchange and trade recognizes that it really is a good deal.'

'You speak of many life forms,' said Welles. 'Until now, our people has only been aware of those forms of life on this planet. Where do you come from?'

'Heaven is perhaps the easiest way to explain it.'¹⁴

Welles expressed her disbelief at this statement.

'More or less,' said the Alien. 'But, we're not talking about religion or mysticism here. Heaven is the best word you have to describe the relationship of our home to yours. Your concept of space is confused. But with heaven, you have the idea of a place that is elsewhere than here, and yet capable of connection—few of your people imagine that actual distance has anything to do with where heaven is.'

'How did you get here?'

'In a spaceship, of course. We were able to come directly to your system, using the gravity of one of the gas giants as a guide.'

I think there can be no doubt that in this matter Welles truly did resemble the wondering savage.¹⁵

'I have seen a sample of what you are offering,' said Welles, lifting the paperweight. 'May I ask what you seek from us?'

'We accept all forms of legal tender,' said the Alien.

'What—you want money?' asked Welles.

'Cold hard cash, as you say. To trade by the means of money is the code of all beings of good will.'¹⁶

'You do know that we mostly use paper for money? It's not gold, or silver or any precious metal.'

At this all the Aliens laughed politely.

'We would hardly trade our goods for mere shiny rocks! Be reassured, madame, we all love you,'¹⁷ said the Alien. 'Our system is to live in perpetual peace with you Martians; to cultivate an affectionate attachment from you, by everything just and liberal which we can do for you within the bounds of reason.¹⁸ We Aliens desire to assist the peoples of this planet to protest their lack of goods and have no territorial, military or political ambitions on the planet, but desire only that you should be left in peace to work out your destinies in your own way.¹⁹ We shall leave you, your families, and your children, and your lands, free without servitude, that you may do with yourselves freely that which you like and think best, and we shall not compel you to trade with us unless you yourselves, when informed of our prices and goods, should wish to trade with us—as all the inhabitants of all the other worlds we have reached have so done.'²⁰

'You will forgive me if I say that all this sounds a little too good to be true,' said Welles.

'The utmost good faith shall always be observed towards the Martians,' protested the Alien. 'I repeat, your land and property shall never be taken from you without your consent; and in your property, rights, and liberty, you never shall be invaded or disturbed, unless in just and lawful wars authorized by the Prime Celebrity; but laws founded in justice and humanity shall from time to time be made for preventing wrongs being done to you, and for preserving peace and friendship with you.'²¹

'It seems we have much to learn from you,' said Welles. 'But in order for our two peoples to truly embark on such a relationship of mutual exchange, there is a matter we must clear up. I think I speak for all of us when I say that Mr Barrow does not speak for us and is not authorized to conduct negotiations on our behalf.'²²

It may have seemed incredible to readers thus far that a figure as insignificant as Barrow should act so brazen with the leaders of nations—even if they were somewhat primitive. There can be no doubt that the Aliens were aware of his insignificance, but it was their tradition to empower such an unimportant actor to speak for a whole species as it usually facilitated higher sales. A side effect of the arrangement, of course, was that it elevated Barrow over all his fellow beings.

The Aliens held faith with their choice, flatly refusing any intermediary except Barrow; so profitable an instrument had he made himself by this time that the Aliens could not miss him.²³

But the Aliens said other courteous things, and calmed Welles' anxiety by the mildest language in their power, giving her to understand that their visit would not be attended with injury, but advantage to all Martians.²⁴

As they spoke, Welles noticed that one of the Aliens was staring at her most intently. When the Alien finally concluded his speech, she asked what he was doing.

'Oh, he's a notary,'²⁵ said the Alien.

Thus they all became friends,²⁶ and Barrow continued with them, and was their intermediary, and was a special instrument of use beyond the Aliens' expectation.²⁷