First of all, I want to say thanks for sharing!

I don’t have any “good” (this is always subjective) ideas/advice that would bring a change to you. I believe that no one can give you the “perfect” idea/advice because it doesn’t exist. The only one who can help you is yourself. Somehow, you need to see what fits to you.

For example, when I had a difficult time a few years ago (somehow similiar to your situation), I tried therapy. I found a good (subjectively good) psychoanalyst, and she helped me a lot. I can’t say that this will work for you. I cannot know that. No one can know that. Only you can know it. Try it! If it works, great. If not, keep trying other things (including other’stackers ideas) until you find what works for you.

The only thing I want to say you is: Don’t give up! It’s a huge blessing that you, me, and everyone else have come into this world. And each person’s journey is unique