I've been staying sober and trying to stay on task as much as possible, keep to a schedule. In the moment it feels nice to have a drink or do other non-productive things, but this results in more depression, staying up late, being non-functional the next day. Not a great look for me. Last night I stayed up until midnight, largely being unproductive, then skipped the 5:30 gym because I was exhaused ... going at 4PM instead, and getting back on track here.
We went out of town to get second opinions and spent a half day walking around and talking, about life, about the worst outcome, about the real plan, about how we will get through this. This is probably the most uninterrupted 1-on-1 conversation we've had since our kids have been born. It was scary, full of love, happy, sad... all the things. I found myself forgetting about the reality of the current situation and getting lost in a feeling of normal life, of feeling connected, probably more than we have in a long time.
This all, not unexpectedly, has provided us with a lot of perspective on our lives. In the scheme of the world, we are very fortunate. Loving family all around, more wealth than 99% of the world, health insurance, food, amazing kids ... the list goes on and on.
While it feels unlikely at the moment, as the doctors all seem confident about the situation, my wife and I had some very real conversations about what if she dies ... she is going to prepare videos for the kids, things she wants them to know, places she dreams of visiting with them, things she wants them to know... It's very grounding and humbling to have the conversations in the context where your partner really might die in some kind of short timeframe. I encourage you all to have heart-to-heart conversations like this. The fact is that none of us know when our time will come. For my wife, it still could be this year, or in 5 years, or 50 years. Nobody knows.
I've really been dealing with the ups and downs of the process. I feel good and hopeful, then I swirl down a negative path, or I catch on that my wife is having a hard day and might start to also nosedive. Hoping that it all feels less intense now that we’re getting into treatment. It has felt like we had fear, then a path, then fear, then a path ... Time to start on the path and see what it brings us.
Thank you all for your continued support. Several of you have reached out in various ways. Forwarding sats to some of you, and will continue to stack for the kids.