I have two sons. Yesterday, they were playing with these little plastic armymen they have. The older one was very intent on setting up a large battle and had spread the armymen all over the floor and furniture. The younger one wanted a more active scene, and was knocking a good deal of them over in his enthusiasm. The older one was clearly getting frustrated (I wasn't watching but definitely noticed an increase in the volume of his protestations).

This is not the first time the older one has assaulted his younger brother. His temper, and its parallel-bus connection to physical action, is something we've been working on. He's one of those kids for whom physical action comes naturally. He loves to wrestle and he goes about his day engaged in one imaginary battle after the other (usually with superpowers and sound effects).

The younger brother was pretty darn aggrieved. Howling, tears all down his face, words mushed with wails. I do think his tears were honest (and he had a pretty good welt where the other one hit him), but he is our youngest and has really been leaning-in to his identity as the baby of the family. I'd say more than 90% of the complaints that make it to my (metaphorical) suggestion box are from him.

I try to maintain a firm prohibition on hitting/punching/kicking. So, clearly some sort of consequence for the older brother is required. But, on the other hand, the younger one was being a little shit, so clearly the consequence needs to be tempered by the provocation. However, there is the history of the older child whacking his brother and the fact that we have discussed how this is not okay, so clearly his was the greater transgression. Yet, the younger sibling has refined his the use of his parents as a defense mechanism, and so I can clearly not take his accusations at face value. But the older sibling is bigger and older, and clearly should know better than to lose his temper. The younger one was given a number of warnings to stop knocking of the army men and chose to continue, so clearly some amount of blame does lie at his door. If you find this dizzying, what till I get going!

Where was I? Oh yes, this is when it hit me: the entire exercise is a waste. Justice won't help here. Certainly for the older boy, the purpose of any discipline is to help him learn how to control himself. It's about teaching him that he can't hit other people (at least not without a better cause).

In the case of the younger brother, it's less clear. He was hurt. What will he take away from the situation if he feels the wrong is not redressed? In the moment, he needed a hug and some reassurance that he wasn't going to die from being smacked by his brother.

If I'm honest, part of how I parent is shielding my kids from the harshest consequences of their actions, giving them the chance to learn how to be good people through trial and error. The hardest part of parenting is figuring out which consequences to let your children bear.

(The above statement is pretty controversial--at least to my ears. Consequences are good. Shouldn't we always experience the consequences of our actions?)