My lessons from parenting. What’s yours? \ stacker news ~meta

My lessons from parenting. What’s yours?

3689 sats \ 12 comments \ @cryotosensei 2 Mar meta

This post is inspired by kr’s sharing of Bill Walsh’s Standards of Performance. Bill’s lessons derived from attaining excellence reminded me of the lessons shared by Naval Adm. William H. McRaven in regards to being a Navy Seal. Both are fascinating reads.

But then, I thought, this is absurd. Parenting is the hardest job in the world. Not to trivialise these gentlemen’s experiences, but why isn’t there any popularised account of lessons derived from the art and science of parenting? Or at least, I can’t think of one off-hand.

So why don’t I write my own?

Here goes.

1. I’m less important than I think

I teach in a low-progress school and used to shake my head whenever my students had school refusal and skipped school due to various reasons. I used to think that the parents or guardians of these students were not trying hard enough.

I quickly realised that children have their own minds. Instantly humbled when I could not get my 3-year-old son to shower, no matter how hard I cajoled or threatened. I might be the one responsible for bringing him into this world, but I don’t own him.

2. I’m more important than I realise

Point 2 kinda contradicts Point 1, but hear me out. Just because you can’t control your kids doesn’t mean you don’t have influence over them. Just give of your best every day - and certain things you do will rub off on your children. To this day, my heart is warmed whenever my boy takes the wiper sheet and proceeds to mop the floor. That’s what I do almost every night! He learns from me!

3. Maintaining my composure is a game

Picture this. Close to 11pm, and your boy is talking gibberish and acting hyperactive because he hasn’t had his afternoon nap. He refuses to go and shower. These are instances in which I feel my blood pressure rise and entertain the temptation of shouting at him. But if I shout at him, I will make things worse. He will cry, and things will get delayed, and the mood in the household will grow sour as quickly as bananas turn bad. Not cool. Best to smile at him and make light of things, especially when I don’t want to.

4. I need to listen to my gut instinct

For work, I’m increasingly expected to use data-driven, evidence-based approaches. Let me tell you, sometimes in parenting, you need to make spilt-second decisions. Otherwise, you will be treated to full-blown tantrums. There were times in which I amused myself by saying or doing the right thing to pacify an angry child before he went out of control. It’s amazing how my gut just took over and hollered to my brain, “YOU NEED TO DO THIS!”

5. I need to be gracious about doing the things I don’t fancy doing

Honestly, I can think of 1001 things I would rather do than pore over the tiny instruction manual and figure out how to stack small LEGO blocks together. (Those big LEGO blocks don’t trigger me as much.) Or to figure out how to make a DIY train composed of recycled milk cartons. But when my prince submits his order, I jolly well deliver if I don’t want to be bombarded by his incessant requests. (Kids can be darned persistent!) So, I stifle my frown and get down to work. It’s the only way.

I can’t think of more parenting lessons right now. Plus, I think I should engage my baby girl now. I leave it to you parenting veterans to fill in the gaps and spill the beans, alrighty?

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315 sats \ 2 replies \ @gnilma 2 Mar

First thing that come to mind is that I learn it is important to keep my promises. My children always remember the things that I promise and they will hold me to my promises each time. I try my best to stay true to my word, while at the same time never to make a promise that I can't keep. In return, my children also try their best to fulfill their promises, as I also hold them to their promises.

I also learn that humans react to incentives, my children included; and that rewards work quite a lot better than punishment. It is hard to coerce and force them to do things, but they are more than willing to do what I want them to do given the proper incentives / rewards.

They respond much better when I am clear about what I want and when I am also consistent about what I want. Setting clear rules and guidelines, communicating my expectations and requirements ahead of time, and most importantly, being consistent about it without changing my mind on a whim.

They are also smarter and more reasonable than I think. That once they are old enough to communicate relatively well (around 3 or so), I can start reasoning with them. If my demands are reasonable, they usually understand and respond quite well. If I'm being unreasonable, they seem to be able to sense it and would also act unreasonably.

50 sats \ 0 replies \ @Undisciplined 3 Mar

They are also smarter and more reasonable than I think.

That's so true. I think part of it is that they haven't learned active listening yet, so they don't always give any signal that they're paying attention. They don't know that they should.

Our daughter's speech was a little delayed, so we really weren't sure how much she understood. As soon as her articulation improved, though, it was shocking how large her vocabulary was and how much she had been hearing and understanding.

21 sats \ 0 replies \ @cryotosensei OP 2 Mar

I work as a teacher but have never thought about using incentives to influence my child’s behaviour positively. Go figure. Thanks for the reminder. It goes to show that great parenting isn’t something you can do on the fly - you must plan for your desired outcomes to happen. I need to channel more time to planning, as much as I want to binge-watch on Netflix during my limited free time haha

159 sats \ 4 replies \ @south_korea_ln 2 Mar

As a scientist, I tend to interact daily with smart and reasonable people. I sometimes forget that my kid is only a few years old and does not have the same ability to be reasonable, control his impulses, etc. One of my biggest lessons is not to let his inability to control himself trigger me to lose control over my emotions.

The few times I did lose my temper, it didn't pay off. And when the next day after I had lost my temper, during his own tantrum, I saw myself in him, i.e his way of expressing his frustrations was exactly the same way I had done the day before, it was quite confronting. They are sponges, absorbing both the good and the bad, and at that time, the bad had been soaked in by his little brain. I promised myself not to show him such a bad example. A hard lesson.

Luckily, the good outnumbers the bad by a lot, so most of the time, I am amazed by his sense of humor, his witty comments, and his amazing imagination skills. Out of nothing, he can roleplay a whole story, with just a few pieces of Lego.

That would then be another lesson, as I see him enjoying the little things, it reminds me to also strive to enjoy every little moment.

208 sats \ 2 replies \ @Undisciplined 2 Mar

as I see him enjoying the little things, it reminds me to also strive to enjoy every little moment.

I like that. It highlights how much we take for granted, but should appreciate.

One of our lessons learned is that everything is a skill and had to be learned at some point. It's a useful lesson even when dealing with adults: Just because I know something or know how to do something doesn't mean everyone else should be expected to.

In some areas, like my professional expertise, I was already cognizant of that, but it applies to everything else too. There are likely just as many things other people know that I haven't learned yet.

30 sats \ 1 reply \ @cryotosensei OP 3 Mar

To add on to this, there is a timing for everything. My boy is approaching 5 years old and still wears diapers. He knows how to go to the urinal for peeing but still poops in his diaper. I don’t get why some parents get so stressed out about having their off-spring be toilet-trained by a certain time (read: the earlier the better). My wife and I are decidedly chill about this. When he is ready, he will ask to sit on the toilet bowl. No need to rush haha

21 sats \ 0 replies \ @Undisciplined 3 Mar

I'm really impressed that you and your wife are staying chill about that. My belief was similar, but even as our daughter was approaching four we were wondering more and more when that kid would poop on the potty. Which Costco box of diapers would be our last?

Then, just as you describe, one day she just started pooping on the potty and has barely even had an accident since. We're still using those Costco diapers at night, though. May as well get our money's worth.

100 sats \ 0 replies \ @cryotosensei OP 2 Mar

As a teacher, I must warn you that children’s inexplicable behaviour gets even more out of hand when they become teens. My school implements the Habits of Mind framework so that our impulsive teens can have better self control. I think research shows that the prefrontal cortex is only fully developed when the human turns 25. Good luck to us all xP

Very true about what you say regarding children savouring the little moments. My boy gets excited boarding the double decker bus. He will eagerly climb up to the second storey and sit on the first row seat so that he gets the best view. It’s heartening to see how he finds joy so easily

229 sats \ 1 reply \ @Undisciplined 2 Mar

These are great. I think it might be fun to do a similar post about how parenting changed us.

My wife and I have been struggling with numbers 3 and 5, lately. It's some combination of sleep deprivation, low-level respiratory illness, and an extra needy sick kid. Fortunately, one of us usually has some reserve of patience when the other runs out. (Right now, that's me. I'm writing this while laying on the floor with my daughter laying on my back.)

Kids can be darned persistent!

We've sure been getting treated that lately. Today, I was woken up at about 5:30 because my daughter couldn't find her scissors. We haven't been able to find them and even hours later she's still going on about it.

51 sats \ 0 replies \ @cryotosensei OP 2 Mar

Thanks for giving me the idea for a probable follow-up post haha.

It’s a cute image. I imagine her going on and on about her missing scissors while you try to pacify her reassuringly without lifting your eyes off your hp screen haha

0 sats \ 0 replies \ @fm 5 Mar

Honestly, I can think of 1001 things I would rather do than pore over the tiny instruction manual and figure out how to stack small LEGO blocks together. (Those big LEGO blocks don’t trigger me as much.)

Oh, im at the opposite end. My oldest at 4 is totally lego crazy. I gave him Duplo first, but he noticed the regular Lego fast and i had few things from my childhood.. So he quickly asked for the real thing. Man.. we have built like 10 small sets now.. and i really enjoy building with him. Its probably where we share the most fun

0 sats \ 0 replies \ @TNStacker 3 Mar

Some of that stuff passed down is good family tradition and some of it is traumatic bullshit that needs to go. Use your brain to discern. It is your job to improve to direction of your progeny and descendants.