This is the last chapter of The Final Product, you may want to go back to Chapter 4 or start at the beginning.

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It is not unlikely that teeping is the best article of trade ever hit upon—the best that can be.¹ Were it not for teeping, the Aliens would not have achieved such tremendous commercial success across the galaxy as they did.²

But its coming was also the beginning of a great change which was to alter the whole face of Martian society.³ Teeping put down the use of language insomuch that we have now almost entirely lost those lexicons and grammars which the ancient Martians had once so practiced.⁴ It certainly excited industry, nourished emulation, and inspired some sense of personal value into all the ranks of Martian people.⁵

Without doubt the conversion of new Martians into teepers, a process called seasoning, required always a mingling of delicacy and firmness.⁶ But those who say that the Martians were ignorant of the proper way of teeping are mistaken. They only required to be fitted to it by the use of the hoopajoop.⁷ In fact, the Martians adopted teeping with as much facility and perseverance as the Aliens themselves.⁸

There was of course some mortality. The deaths came from Martian diseases of the mind; from infections or other debilities acquired in the operation; from the change of mentality required by teeping; from self-inflicted wounds incurred when Martians tried to remove the parasite on their own; from morbid habits such as dirt-eating; and from accident, manslaughter, and suicide.⁹ One important cause of death during the seasoning period was shock. Some Martians never adjusted to the sudden mass-communion.¹⁰ Indeed, Martians are difficult for the civilized mind to understand.¹¹

As to the unaccountable rumor that the Aliens were simply conducting painful anal probes on the Martians out of malice or to soothe some sadistic desire, I remain surprised by its continued prevalence. While it is in fact true that the Aliens were anally inserting probes into the Martians' rectums, this was obviously for the purpose of joining the Martians to teeping and clearly at their own request. If I can find any source for these rumors, it is perhaps because of a notoriously incompetent Alien who botched a great number of installations, due to a lack of experience.¹²

Seasoning under educated and intelligent salespeople has been the pioneer and basis of the civilization of all savage planets.¹³

Such a vast improvement was it over the Martian languages that teeping surpassed language within a span of half a year, and was universally held in far higher esteem. The Martians all agreed that it was far more convenient, and therefore everywhere in frequent use.¹⁴ Indeed, the Martians could not get enough of it.¹⁵

Chapter 6 tomorrow, same time, same place.

Likely negroes is the best trade for land that can be. John Losson to John Smith 1786 ↩
Were it not for sugar, the American blended cigarette and with it the tobacco industry of the United States would not have achieved such tremendous development as it did in the first half of this century. Wightman Garner in "Sugar and Tobacco" Sugar Research Foundation 1950 ↩
But their coming was the beginning of a great change which was slowly, very slowly, to alter the whole face of society in the settlements. Woodrow Wilson, History of the American People Vol. 4 1916 ↩
Sugar hath put down the use of honey insomuch that we have lost those observations and preparations of honey which the ancients had when it was more in price. Francis Bacon, Historia Naturalis 1622 ↩
It certainly excites industry, nourishes emulation, and inspires some sense of personal value into all ranks of people. Edmund Burke, The Present State of the Nation 1769 ↩
The conversion of new negroes into plantation laborers, a process called "breaking in," required always a mingling of delicacy and firmness. Ulrich Bonnell Phillips, American Negro Slavery 1918 ↩
You are mistaken when you say your negroes are ignorant of the proper way of working. They only require to be made to do it...by flogging and that quite often. R B Beverley to Robert Beverley 3 September 1833 ↩
with as much facility and perseverance as the white people do in Europe. William Beckford, A Descriptive Account of the Island of Jamaica 1790 ↩
The deaths came from diseases brought from Africa, such as the yaws which was similar to syphilis; from debilities and maladies acquired on the voyage; from the change of climate and food; from exposure incurred in running away; from morbid habits such as dirt-eating; and from accident, manslaughter and suicide. Ulrich Bonnell Phillips, American Negro Slavery 1918 ↩
One important cause of death during the seasoning period was shock. Some Africans never adjusted to being carried away from Africa. Elizabeth M Halcrow, Canes and Chains: A Study of Sugar and Slavery 1982 ↩
Haitian peasants are difficult for the civilized mind to understand. William B Seabrook, Magic Island 1929 ↩
Oh, that was Carl's fault. He's new. South Park, “Cartman Gets an Anal Probe” 13 August 1997 ↩
Negro slavery, under educated and Intelligent masters [has] been the Pioneers and basis of the civilization of Savage countries. James Gadsden 1852 ↩
Sugar hath now suceeded honie, and is become of farre higher esteem, and is far more pleasing to the palat, and therefore everywhere in frequent use, as well in sicknesse as in health. James Hart, Klinike, or, The Diet of the Diseased 1633 ↩
The pilgrims could not get enough of its sweetness. Albert of Aachen, Historia Hierosolymitanae Expeditionis 1135 ↩

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Footnotes