I remember hearing the author/ philosopher Alain De Botton years ago on one of the first Tim Ferris podcast episodes.

He had some very interesting things to say about marriages and how in the past they were viewed as much more practical and transactional. They served very specific needs.

A man would choose a woman to marry because she would make a good mother, or be a good partner to manage the household. A woman would choose a husband because he could be a good provider and protector for her and her children.

These focused roles seem old fashioned and unattractive to most of us now, and we look for much more in a spouse. Now we expect our partners to stimulate and fulfill us intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, basically everything. We want them to be into the hobbies we are, to be financial/ business partners, to be able to hold court as equals on our favorite topics of discussion... On and on.

It's such a tall order! Seems near impossible to win at that game and it causes a lot of suffering.

These romantic ideals bubbled up in the late middle ages as some sort of hard pendulum swing in the opposite direction from the restrictive transactional marriages, which came with their own unique suffering.

I think in the eras before that transition, you would expect to fulfill most of these needs from specific friendships or groups outside your marriage. You'd have your hunting/ sporting buddies, your business partners, your philosophy groups etc. It would be a ridiculous idea to try and find a single ideal person to fill all those gaps in your life.

Anyways I remembered that podcast because you mentioned feeling alone when you're living with someone, and that's a situation I've found myself in before as well. Also I've found myself cycling between being lonely as hell when I'm not partnered with someone, and then constantly fantasizing about escape and freedom when I am.

Seems like a through line in a lot of this discussion is the potential benefits of getting off our devices and out into the meatspace with groups of like minded people.

It's easier said than done, but I suspect it would heal a lot of dissatisfaction in many marriages and romantic partnerships. We could better appreciate what we liked about our spouses, instead of the ways they fell short in meeting our various psychological needs.