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having to pay an above-liquidity amount on-chained when I had access to was lightning.
read here: #679242
needing to pay from a hardware wallet I had at a different physical location
That's stupid, HWW are ONLY for deposit long term. Always use the 3 levels stash: hold, cache, spend.
all-eggs-in-one-basket, with both hardware wallets and back-ups distributed in one location only
Wrong. Use many backups, for many wallets and many types.
forgetting the passphrase to a hot wallet with a few million sats in it
password managers like Keepass or Bitwarden are just fine for these. I use the password mabagers for several years, but yes with required precautions. People are lazy and do not use them properly. That's the mistake.
To respond to all your other questions, please read here: https://darth-coin.github.io/beginner/be-your-own-bank-en.html