What did the doctor prescribe the depressed lesbian?

Tricoxagen.

What would Marilyn Monroe be doing if she were still alive?

Clawing at the coffin lid.

On a certain day, Shankaran Pillai purchased a boat—a forty-foot ultra-luxurious yacht—for ten million dollars. He de­cided to take his new Puerto Rican bride out on the ocean for a romantic cruise.

On the way, misfortune struck. The yacht hit a rock and was wrecked.

As the brand-new boat sank into the ocean, Shankaran Pil­lai and his wife managed to extricate themselves. They swam for their lives and finally made their way to the shores of a nearby islet—a sandy sliver of land floating in the middle of nowhere, completely devoid of vegetation.

Shankaran Pillai and his wife had a few tins of canned food. They knew these would last them only a couple of days. They were in a fix.

Unperturbed, Shankaran Pillai settled down in a yogic posture and assumed a serenely spiritual expression. His wife, however, was of a more volatile disposition.

“We’re marooned!” she wept. “There’s no human habitation in sight, no sign of any life here—no animals, no plants, nothing. What will we live on? How will we get out? What a terrible end to our dreams of marital bliss! What a terrible end to our lives!”

Shankaran Pillai continued to sit in his yogic position, unruffled.

His wife was bewildered. “How can you sit like this? Don’t you realize we’re doomed? Can’t you see we’re going to die?”

Shankaran Pillai looked at her with calm compassion. “My dear, don’t distress yourself,” he said. “What I did not tell you before my wedding is that I have a history. I had previously availed myself of a student loan when I was studying in Tennes­see. After my studies, I went to New York without repaying the loan. I was caught by my creditors three months later.

But I managed to elude them and went away to California. There I got myself a car. Since I got myself a car loan, I said, why settle for a small car? I decided to get myself a Rolls-Royce with pure-gold trimmings, and I took a two-million-dollar loan to purchase the vehicle. Since I thought life would be somewhat difficult for me there, I took the car to Oregon.

But they followed me there, too. After that episode, I took a home loan for five million dollars. I then happened to go to Mexico. But they followed me there six months later.

After that, as you know, I married you and bought this yacht in Texas for ten million dollars. I haven’t paid the first installment yet. So don’t worry. Stay calm. Don’t panic. They’ll find us. They always do.”

Why don't scientists trust atoms?

Because they make up everything!