Choosing to read this book came out of some interest I had from watching this podcast #861009
Intro
The Sovereign Child is quite a radical book about raising kids without coercion or rules. The idea's stem from studies done in the 1990's called Taking Children Seriously by Sarah Fitz-Claridge and David Deutsch. I would describe it as using creative strategies for dealing with the everyday issues of raising kids, instead of being typical gate keepers or rule enforcers. Stupple and his wife raise their five kids with an unschooled approach and allows them to explore whatever they like with little boundaries. This includes no limits on junk food, screen time, no set bedtime, or enforcing habits like bathing or brushing their teeth. Kinda like how you would treat another adult.
To give you a couple of ideas I'd like to sum up some of the positive arguments presented in the book for you to think about.
Eating What They Want
They buy a lot of junk food like cookies, chocolate bars or candy and keep it in easy to reach places so kids can help themselves whenever they like. It's always bought in abundance so there's always something to eat when they're hungry. Having all kinds of junk food in abundance stops kids from fighting over the last cookie, or scoffing everything down just to get more than their sibling.
One of the kids has only been eating ice-cream for a few months. The freezer is in easy reach and he knows how to scoop some out into a bowl when he's hungry. He doesn't over eat or leave leftovers, but more importantly he doesn't seem to be getting sugar highs like kids usually do when it's a "special occasion".
I think the main point to drive home is that diet is something we all need to learn at some point in our lives. The earlier we discover the range and diversity of food, the faster we learn to find whichever diet suits us as an individual. He had another example of having a large container of lollipops which were exciting to the kids at first, but were later left alone after realizing how incredibly sweet they are.
Watching What they Want
As I understand all their kids have their own tablet where they're free to watch whatever they want. He argues that it's a cheap way to get a taste of all the diversity that the internet has to offer. Once again having screen time in abundance gives them plenty of time to discover new things, especially with help from "the algorithm" constantly feeding them more of the same. One example was of his son who loves watching Youtube and has been obsessed with octopuses. He has absorbed lots of interesting facts that he often tells his Dad about.
Think about the cost of spending money traveling the world and seeing everything it has to offer, and compare it to the cost of a tablet with an internet connection. Of course it's not the same but it gives you a taste of the topic/idea at a fraction of the cost. It also broadens knowledge which is a great thing to be exposed to as a kid. When they get bored of a particular topic, they can swipe left and move on to another. He notes that because there are no limits of screen time, they usually use it for some time and then move onto other activities.
Kids and Cars
Here's an interesting example of how they go about their day getting the kids into the car and going to a playground or park:
To make the car more welcoming, I focus on entertainment, food, and drink. Tablets with headphones are the easiest answer for entertainment, but we also include toys and anything com- forting. We also invested in a remote start so the kids don’t have to contend with a cold car in the winter months.
Every time we leave the house for more than a few min- utes, I bring nonperishable snacks. Since we keep a supply of “junk food” readily available for the kids, it’s easy to sweep a few containers of cookies or chocolate bars into a bag as we’re walking out the door. Kids report hunger at the darndest times, and even short trips can become an ordeal if a two-year-old starts screaming for food and is not satisfied to hear that we’ll be home in five minutes.
My Thoughts...
Honestly hearing something like this makes me cringe at the thought of doing this to my kids. We see a lot of overweight kids in our community and this is exactly what they're doing (eating junk food and watching crap on their tablets). I'll admit he has some very strong arguments for why he does it, but I don't think I could do it at such a young age. Also I don't think my partner would be onboard being an authoritarian and all that. Funnily enough, there are a couple of chapters addressing all the usual concerns parents give. The final part of the book get's into epistemology and why he thinks this is the ideal way to raise a sovereign child. This has been my first exposure to the word epistemology so I don't have much to say on that for now.
After reading this book, I think one question (that seems to get little attention) parents should think more about is when do they let go of the reins? Is it when they're teenagers or when they leave home? Can we let them go earlier to get a functional "adult" from an early age? I don't regret anything I've done, but I know I would have saved a decade (or two) if I'd have started my journey from an earlier age.
Consider this thought experiment to drive the point home. Imagine a nine-year-old who has figured out how to make money by doing odd jobs for the neighbors, like mowing lawns and doing housework. Imagine he earns enough to pay for his own needs, that he likes to buy and prepare his own food, clothes, and personal effects. We can imagine that he came up with this idea from watching a YouTuber who earns a living doing the same. Imagine another YouTuber gets him interested in coding, and he develops some basic skills by using various games and apps that teach coding. Imagine he apprentices with a local company to apply what he’s learned and has the rudi- ments of a career track in front of him. Imagine that he is also interested in emotional mastery, and he follows a YouTuber who teaches techniques for avoiding getting overly emotional. Imagine he regularly seeks your advice on all of these matters and takes it to heart. He readily tells you about things that are strange or worrisome to him, and when you identify something dangerous, he takes this seriously and investigates strategies to avoid it.
If he has money, if he can get around on a bike or ride public transportation or even hail rides with Uber, if he has an idea for a reliable career, if he can feed and clothe himself, and if he has discernment about dangerous things and trusted people to talk to, he can function as an adult. What I’m describing sounds like a kind of general-purpose prodigy only because our culture doesn’t allow children to make so much progress on their own. But there is nothing in principle preventing a nine-year-old from becoming a functional adult. If the boy attains the requisite knowledge to solve new problems as they arise—which he can, just as any other person can—then there is nothing stopping him.
I'll be trying out some of the creative ways to refrain from being a gatekeeper, to get siblings through arguments, to inspire interest and to gain trust from my kids. I'll be looking more into epistemology and working through some of these ideas with my partner. I think I'll also be keeping an eye on any other podcasts or books Stupple might have in the future.