Hello and Good Morning,

It is in the spirit of human templating that I apply to this auspicious position. As a living, breathing, sniffing and often gesticulating example of humanity I hereby project myself into the light of Stacker News. Not too far into the light so as to become garish or appear egotistical, but just enough to suggest the forthrightness and certitude of an exemplary citizen. As per the requirements of said position, I am by all means a tall sitter. I refrain from standing at all costs, mostly to maintain modesty with regard to my height. I find other office constituents somewhat lacking in their hauteur and making them feel at ease is paramount in projecting exemplary behaviour. I see the remaining requirements as clearly obvious and don't plan to address them, for the simple reason that I am truly over-qualified in each and every category - especially the "shhhhhhhhhhhushing", which I notice you mis-spelt and should have one more "s"! Addressing qualifications, it is essential to realize that I have integrated the meritocratic regret, upholstery and digit requirements. (Note: I think the toe and finger stipulation is well and truly a requirement and not a qualification but in the spirit of acquiescence (another qualification: "You don't need to be told what to do but love being told what to do") i intend to group them accordingly). Last year, whilst languishing in a middle class suburban prison, as prescribed by the WEF, I undertook an apprenticeship in upholstery. As our little shoe box only contains one chair, and a meager dog-eaten sofa, my range of projects quickly came to abrupt end - until I gazed one wintry afternoon at my inadequate collection of fingers and toes. Needless to say, I typed this post within seconds and am simultaneously paying my Vietnamese pedicurist an exorbitant sum to have those little piggies look their best for this application! As an exemplar, I am altruistic and as you'd expect am adverse to trivial compensation, as tempting as your generously extensive list appears. However, I must reveal my life-long wish to work from within a garage, surrounded by copious boxes of readily available Ivermectin. I cannot think of a more forthrightly virtuous pursuit. I look forward to your response but in the meantime I have pencils to sharpen.