454 sats \ 7 replies \ @elvismercury 9 Jun \ on: How do feel about negotiating? culture
Never thought of this before, but now that you say it, it's clearly true.
Sad story:
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I was traveling through Africa some years ago. As a white dude, I drew a ton of attention, and people would swarm around me, wanting to "talk" to me, the scare quotes indicating that such conversations would invariably end up with them pestering me to buy trinkets I didn't want.
This faux-friendliness made me feel gross and angry, and after a bit I'd just ignore them, which would result in me walking down the streets with some dudes scampering around me making increasingly aggressive conversational gambits, me walking stoically forward, bleeding out psychic energy.
After several minutes of one such encounter, the guy, as a closing remark, said: "You must be from Spain."
This was an odd enough approach that I broke my strategic silence. "Why?"
"People from Spain think they're better than everyone, and so do you."
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This made me feel terrible, bc it was literally the opposite of what I'm about, and it was the entire reason for my behavior: where I'm from, acting friendly to someone just because you want them to buy your shit is fake and gross. I interpreted his behavior through that lens.
To him, however, the encounter meant something else -- the wish for me to drastically overspend on his doodads could live harmoniously with a genuine desire to be friendly and to connect.
This was years ago. I still feel awful.
I also wonder wtf encounters he had w/ Spaniards that led to that comment, but I lost my chance to find out.
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Anyway, your observation is very wise. I'm curious how you've been able to operationalize it? The anti-negotiation thing runs so deep in me I don't know what I'd do with the insight, honestly.
I've had similar experiences in the Caribbean.
To me it's not just that faking friendliness feels gross, but being treated purely as an economic opportunity by someone else is literally dehumanizing. The confronting part, though, is recognizing that I am a big economic opportunity for many people and really through no fault of theirs or credit of mine. Considering their situation, it's no wonder they would take the strategy they're taking.
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I went to Cape Verde on vacation a few years ago. It's an interesting place, where people from Europe, mostly tourists, meet Western African merchants, mostly from Mali, Senegal, or The Gambia, and native Cape Verdians. As a tourist, you can't walk 5 minutes on the island without being invited to visit a shop to buy stuff you probably won't need, but the experience is the opposite of what you describe. They'll invite you very politely, insist a tiny little bit, but then let you go with a "no stress" comment and a smile if you decline the offer. I think they understand the pointlessness and counterproductiveness of harassing tourists...
Most of my negotiations are with my 8yo, and usually are about bed time, when to leave the park or a play date to go home etc. We would agree on a time, then no one is allowed to change the terms without renegotiations. It usually goes like this
Him: "Can I have 30 minutes more?"
Me: "No, that's too much because so and so... I can give you 10 more minutes"
Him: "No, twenty"
Me: "I said 10"
Him: "20, that's the middle of 30 and 10"
Me: "I don't agree with that, 5 minutes then"
Him: "what, you said 10 before"
Me: "now, I say 4"
Him: "OK fine, then 10 minutes"
Me: "OK, 10"
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I'm curious how you've been able to operationalize it?
It's only a way of thinking about it really, but it's better than my modus operandi before, which was only a way of feeling about it.
Using our recent example, I started by saying we wanted to "buy" but needed to pay less than was offered. Then they asked what we wanted to pay and I answered honestly, respecting it wouldn't be what they wanted. Then it became a game of bid-ask ping-pong, and armed with this realization, I played like a good sport (despite them seeming to get upset at times but not because of anything I specifically did).
The game previously felt offensive, but I think honest play is merely defensive. Each party is defending their final price because once it's revealed, it terminates the game, and prematurely terminating the game in your favor is rude in a thin market. It's like deciding you'll win the game and aren't seeking a tie. It's okay for a game to not arrive at a tie, but if you actually care about your opponent, you should seek a tie.
Unfortunately, it's necessary to not reveal your final price in advance of playing the game, but only because it's the surest way to make sure you aren't easily taken advantage of (in a perfectly thin market, there isn't any other information aside from the ping-pong gameplay). At the end of bid-ask ping-pong both parties are much more likely to feel sure a tie was achieved, because just like in a real game of ping-pong, no one deserves to say exactly how the game will unfold before playing.
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Spain 🇪🇸 definitely thinks this way about football or soccer ⚽️
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