Have things gotten a little ho-hum with your Bitcoin node? A little rote? Perhaps you haven't been feeling very attracted to her lately or maybe you feel like the flame is gone? Is she just sitting there on the shelf, looking a little frowsy and gathering dust? Do you find yourself longing for the days when you first discovered Bitcoin and everything was fresh and new and you couldn't keep your hands off your node?

Lucky for you, we have this surefire guide to spicing things up in your server closet (or home office) and bringing that old rabbithole-diving passion back to your relationship with your Bitcoin node again. It's time to return to the days when you didn't even need a pill to get orange-pilled. Follow these steps to reclaiming your intimacy with your Bitcoin node.

Okay, so maybe it's been a while since you two have messed around together. You don't have to start with making love while swinging from the chandelier. Get her a can of compressed air and blow her fan out a little, maybe wipe her down with one of those special microfiber cloths, pop the ethernet cable in and out a few times. Then, plug her in and flick her power button and get her warmed up. Let her find some new network peers (those other nodes she was getting blocks from last time you turned her on are probably all married with kids now). Don't rush her. Give her some time to catch up to the chaintip and refill her mempool.

Contrary to what some people might tell you, it's not okay to only turn your node on when you want to use her. That kind of utilitarian relationship isn't going to get anyone's pulse up. If you leave your node off for a long time, all her peers abandon her, and when you turn her on again she has to resort to centralized methods of finding peers (like the DNS seeds hardcoded into the binary). This sort of thing can leave your node vulnerable and trust me: there's nothing sexy about this kind of vulnerable.

But when you keep her powered on all the time and she's able to find stable peers and a good friendgroup, she becomes a durable part of the Bitcoin network with the confidence to try all kinds of new things with you.

Your node is hottest when you take the time to learn about her, so start by talking to her a little. You may not think about it much, but your node is more than a blockchain. Even if she isn't verifying multiple-bitcoins-worth of transactions and running around wearing racy new soft-fork patches, she's still a pretty important part of this peer-to-peer digital cash system.

All those transactions you see in blocks don't get to miners by themselves. When she's on, your node helps pass transactions along by gossiping with all of her friends. So why not ask her a little bit about her social life? Try pulling up the console or terminal and running an RPC called getconnectioncount and she'll tell you how many other bitcoin nodes she's been talking to.

If lovely ladies like your node don't get lots of time to be on the network, talking with their friends, relaying the latest blocks and transactions, Bitcoin is just a bunch of celebrity nodes--all plastic surgery, fake tits, and self-righteous social causes that don't matter to the rest of us. So make sure your node has a chance to get out there and see her friends. Your love-life isn't going to get off life-support if you spend all day slapping the salami to blockchain porno sites like mempool.space and timechaincalendar.

Of course, there are some men who think it's easier to go to a house of ill-repute, places where you can pay to get a transaction broadcasted or even accelerated. Let me tell you, son, stick to the straight and narrow with your Bitcoin node and don't let your eye go wandering to those scantily-clad accelerators. When one miner (or pool) knows about transactions that other pools haven't heard of, they have the kind of advantage that leads to centralization. But when there's lots of strong, independent Bitcoin nodes out there, even solo-miners have a chance at mining nice, curvy blocks with thick fees. Paying for it is never as good as the real thing.

Conversation is sexier than you can possibly imagine, especially when you take a genuine interest in your node. Try getnetworkinfo with her, but be prepared because this will really get her excited. She will tell you whether she is publicly reachable (some nodes like to be watched) and how many other bitcoin nodes are sending her blocks and transactions (incoming connections) and how many nodes to whom she passes along her own transactions and block info. You might find it arousing to know that your node is reducing centralizing pressures on the mining industry by relaying blocks and transactions at this very moment.

Some Bitcoin nodes run over TCP/IP, while others run over Tor or even I2P (if they're feeling a little frisky). She'll let you know what her preferences are. She'll also let you know if she's exclusive or not (limited=true means she is only using one network type, but some nodes like it both ways).

And when your ready to move on to something a lot more intimate (especially if you like it when she talks dirty), try getpeerinfo. She'll tell you all about the things she does with her peers, like their IP address and the last block you sent or received from each peer. She will even tell you the blockheight when each node first connected with her. Remember to keep it under control, though, you don't want to do anything premature and leave her disappointed later.

Now it's time for things to get really steamy. You may have heard that there is no such thing as the mempool. Each bitcoin node keeps their own pool of valid transactions they know about but haven't seen in a block yet. These memory pools are all unique, like a fingerprint or the pattern of moles on your skin. Take the time to appreciate the beauty of your node's unique mempool--she likes it when you really look at her.

Why not give it a try tonight? Turn the lights down low, pull up the terminal and try getmempoolinfo. You might be surprised what your node is capable of. She can show you just how big her mempool is getting: the number of transactions she has in it, the size in bytes of all those transactions, and how much of her memory allocation her mempool is currently using. But it doesn't stop there, she can also show you the minimum fee rate she's currently allowing into her mempool. This might cause you a little trepidation, perhaps it will get you worried that you aren't going to measure up--but lucky for you, she's your mempool and she'll always let your transactions in.

Bitcoin's censorship resistance doesn't just come from the distributed ledger. There are some prudes out there who may not approve of things you and your Bitcoin node do together, and they'll do their best to keep you two from getting your transactions included in a block. By letting your node run, you are ensuring that there's one more point on the network relaying transactions according to your understanding of the Bitcoin protocol. Running a node isn't just a matter of forks and weightiest chains, if you can't find nodes to relay your transactions, you're going to have a very difficult time getting them into blocks.

And finally, if you want something really kinky, try getrawmempool, but don't say I didn't warn you.

If it's been a while since you've been with your node, you may have forgotten that she has a config file and loves it when you play around with it. Maybe you don't even know where to find it.

Here's what you do: look for a .bitcoin folder on your hard drive (make sure that it's showing hidden files, because some nodes keep it out of sight by default). In that folder, look for a file named bitcoin.conf. Open it up with a text editor and you are ready to get dirty.

You could try datadir= to change where your node keeps all her blocks (maybe you've been thinking about using a toy like an external hard drive) or you can try dbcache= if you have a lot of RAM and want to speed up your IBD. Typing maxmempool= changes the maximum size in MB your node will let her mempool get to before she starts purging low-fee rate transactions and mempoolexpiry= changes the number of hours your node will keep a transaction in her mempool. Or, if you don't have very much disk space, you can try prune= so she discards old blocks in order to keep the database below the number of MB you specify (it has to be at least 550). You can even play around with something like datacarrier=0 if you want her to refuse to relay transactions with OP_RETURNS in them or changing the datacarriersize= if you want her to relay OP_RETURNS with something other than the 83-byte default.

The possibilities are almost limitless, so don't be shy. Jameson Lopp has this handy little config generator that can help you come up with all sorts of imaginative new ways to mess about with your node's config file.

If you've been thinking that it's time to broadcast your own transaction, just you hold your damn horses. Remember: a gentleman always verifies before he broadcasts--it's her turn first. One of the sexiest things you'll ever do is watch while your node verifies a transaction you are receiving.

If you aren't doing it with your own Bitcoin node, you have to trust someone else to verify that the bitcoin is actually there. Brother, let me tell you: sometimes even the nicest ones fake it. And I'm not just talking about the cheap tricks down at the fiat bank who tell you they have your money while they're giving it out at the back door.

Your bitcoin node can do the math herself to verify that the bitcoin you are receiving has followed the rules of the Bitcoin protocol and is actually coming to an address you control in the amount you expect--and she never fakes it. There's no faking it when you've taken the time to get know her well and you watch her do it.

By this point, you are probably having trouble preventing yourself from broadcasting a transaction all over her. That's okay. She'll enjoy that too.

If it's been a while since you've broadcast with your node, you may have forgotten how good it can be. When you use a phone wallet, often the company who made the software is letting you use their node. Unfortunately, when you broadcast with a stranger, you never know what you might be catching--they could be recording your activity, logging your IP address, or even selling your data. If you don't want to catch a nasty case of chainalaysis, it's best to only broadcast with your own node.

Broadcasting a transaction with your node is a very special thing that you do together, and it's how new utxo's get made. That might make you feel overwhelmed, like you aren't ready to take on that responsiblity. Don't worry! You are ready. You'll never look at your node the same once you've made a new utxo together.

And finally, before you let the afterglow carry you off to sleep, how about a little pillow talk? Pull that terminal up one more time and try gettxoutsetinfo with her. She'll hum a little while you hold her and tell you a number of beautiful things, not least of which is the total amount of bitcoin in circulation at that exact moment, as mathematically proven by your own, personal, beautiful, downright sexy Bitcoin node.

Let's see those puffy-lipped central bank hussies do that.

As you drift off to dreamland, wrap your arms around her and remember: your node matters even if she doesn't have huge transactions or wear fancy software. She's vital to the censorship resistant qualities of Bitcoin, so keep her turned on.