I have beliefs that many people disagree with. Spiritual/religious beliefs, financial beliefs, beliefs about how to deal with relationships, beliefs about how the world works, etc etc.
I believe those beliefs are right as a matter of fact and not as a matter of opinion. I don’t think it would be good for me to share those with my kids by saying something like “this is just my truth, and you get to discover your own truth”. Truth is a fucking honey badger, it doesn’t give a shit. I think sometimes it’s just best to say “this is the way life works” to my kids.
But I’ve noticed when other parents with this mindset teach their kids things that go against what I teach mine, it’s easy to call it brainwashing.
So, what’s the difference between brainwashing your kids and simply teaching them truth? This is a question that sticks in the back of mind, especially since, as I frequently discover, I'm not right about everything.
I asked an older, wiser friend about this, and he said “you don't call it brainwashing when your kids learn math. They're just learning truth.”
But still, I think about friends I grew up with who used to share my beliefs, and how today, they claim they were brainwashed.
Here’s my theory:
The difference between being taught math and the way some of my friends were taught to believe certain things is that everyone is allowed and encouraged to ask the hard questions about math. You’re supposed to put it to the test, figure out what works and what doesn’t. Troubleshoot your own thinking so you can build solid reasoning around your own pattern recognition skills.
For so many, that’s not allowed when it comes to values or moral beliefs.
So I think when hard questions are dismissed, you might as well be brainwashed.
As a funny example, this is why I think we have so many flat-earthers. In my conversations with flat-earthers (yes, that is a real thing that happens), they share the exact same experience I hear from my friends who moved on from their childhood beliefs. “We're told to just trust it, and we're demeaned if we even try to be curious and ask the hard questions. It’s all a toxic attempt to control and brainwash you!”
Ok, seems simple enough - just let your kids be curious and don’t dismiss their questions, right?
That doesn’t really change the fact that they’re going to have a heavy bias towards anything you say - you’re their parent. If you give them all the information and let them ask all the questions, you’re still only teaching them why you believe what you believe, and if a flat earther were to do the same thing, most of us would still say that kid is brainwashed.
Here’s what I think the solution is….
a) it’s more important to teach our kids HOW to think, rather than what to believe
b) as early and as much as possible, you have to trust your kid to do that well and hope they come to the right conclusions on their own
c) you’re not right about everything
d) therefore, read (b) again
Obviously I'm not saying don't teach your kids what you believe and why, but I think we have to act intentionally and somewhat counterintuitively to prioritize teaching them HOW to think.
I will freely admit that I don’t think I can move into those stages yet since my kids are on the younger side... So I’m speaking out of my experience as a former kid, not as a parent.
I’m curious if parents of older kids would agree with that solution, and how you've navigated this issue.
One quick suggestion - if you have a LOT of thoughts to add, make a new post! Not because I’ll get the territory revenue (feel free to post anywhere that makes sense to you), but because if it’s a good post, it’ll get more zaps than a long comment.
As an incentive to post in ~FiresidePhilosophy - there is potential for high performing posts to earn rewards through EOM via the Stoke the Fire challenge.
Shameless plug done, happy stacking