Is this person a good fit for me or too many challenges? \ stacker news ~relationships

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Is this person a good fit for me or too many challenges?

1151 sats \ 5 comments \ @79c9095526 7h relationships

I recently connected with someone on a dating site, and we've been conversing for about a week. Although she resides in a different state, we plan to meet within the next month. Our conversations have revealed many common interests and shared values, but there are a few concerns I'd like to discuss with the community, especially those with marriage experience. My goal is to find a long-term, committed relationship, not a casual one.

She was previously married from around age 25 to 35 and divorced about two years ago. Her account of the marriage is that her ex-husband struggled with alcohol post-college, which worsened after their wedding and evolved into a substance abuse issue. Despite her attempts to encourage him to seek help, he was unwilling, leading to their separation.

Privacy is not a major concern for her. She wears an Apple Watch and uses Instagram. When we discussed privacy, she expressed that it might be too late to take meaningful steps to protect it. I find the smart watches to be a bit of a turn-off, as I'm uncomfortable with the idea of being constantly recorded (even if the phone in my pocket is doing the same thing!)

I tend to be more of a homebody, enjoying quiet evenings in with occasional outings. She, on the other hand, seems to have a higher energy level and enjoys frequent social engagements whether hosting groups at home or being out of the house. While I do enjoy spending time with friends and family, I'm not sure if our energy levels could be a mismatch.

She has expressed a desire to be a mother but acknowledges that, given her age, it may be unlikely or unwise. I do not wish to have children, and I wonder if this could become a source of future resentment if she changes her mind.

I'm in my early 40s (never married), and she's in her late 30s. I would greatly appreciate any insights or advice you can offer (perhaps things I should probe in more detail with her) and I am happy to provide more context if helpful.

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108 sats \ 2 replies \ @Undisciplined 6h

I think the biggest thing is actually meeting in person and seeing how you really like each other. Pretty much everything else is negotiable.

Most of those mismatches are perfectly normal. I know very happy couples with far less in common and unhappy couples with far more.

The big one is the issue of children. As you say, that may be moot given age, but in my experience that issue is the ultimate deal-breaker for relationships.

42 sats \ 1 reply \ @79c9095526 OP 2h

Thanks, I appreciate the feedback. I assumed this level of mismatch wouldn't necessarily be an issue. I'll prioritize meeting in person asap to try and get a better feel for things.

I think while she would like to have children (or at least used to want this), this is not something she is dead set on any longer. But probably something I should probe further to make sure she isn't just saying something she thinks I want to hear.

0 sats \ 0 replies \ @Undisciplined 2h

Good luck! Finding the right person to spend your life with makes an enormous difference.

0 sats \ 1 reply \ @k00b 3h

You cite four potential issues:

privacy is important to you but not her
she's outgoing and you aren't
she wants kids and you don't
she resides in a different state

I assume you all are meeting up because you connect on other things, but because you focused on the negative, it's hard to tell if there are pros that may outweigh the cons.

If I were you, my biggest concerns would be (3) and (4). If she wants kids and you don't, committing to each other means one of you is also committing to sacrificing something significant. (4) also reduces the chances of a relationship working as the relationship is inherently inconvenient; afaict this is only ever overcome by incredible alignment/attraction in other dimensions.

IME you won't really know how compatible you are until you meet in person. Back when I was dating, I learned pretty quickly that whatever digital relationship I had with a person was not predictive of how well we'd get along in person. I started meeting in person as soon as possible as a result.

100 sats \ 0 replies \ @79c9095526 OP 2h

Thanks for the feedback and yes, I'll definitely prioritize meeting in person asap.

I think on the kids front, it is something that she did want, but that she now says she is OK with not having due to age. I don't think that necessarily changes the inherent desire but at the same time I imagine it may be OK as I'm not necessarily what is causing her to sacrafice.

In terms of number 4, I am open to relocating. My work is extremely flexible, she has a traditional office job in person. But spending time together prior to moving in together is still challenging as it would be flights back and forth to see each other, so your point is well taken.

Thanks!