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I live in a densely-populated, competitive Asian society, so it’s not uncommon to find parents signing their children as young as four up for enrichment classes. Elementary education used to be the place in which children learnt how to read and write. These days, preschool education plays a crucial role because it is meant to prepare little minds for the rigours of primary school. Children are expected to spell multisyllabic words and write simple sentences when they enrol in primary school.
My boy is in Kindergarten 1 (two years of kindergarten before they move on to primary school). As a teacher in the public school system, I am ironically chill about the paper push. I think academic grades are transient. They serve a purpose in telling you how much your child has learnt at a particular point in time - and yes, failing to achieve stellar grades at important milestones will destroy his chances of entering prestigious schools. But grades are only good for indicating how well children have conditioned their minds to think in set ways dictated by the national curriculum. I would much rather my son enjoy a carefree childhood rather than let his mind be manipulated to think inside the box.
Before I got to know my boy, I wanted him to be resilient. The world is more volatile and unpredictable compared to the time when I was growing up. He is bound to encounter more setbacks than me, so I want him to have the strength to pick himself up and try again.
These days, I look in awe at how he spends his time. I used to find it exasperating - the way he started playing with his toys before shower time. I have come to enjoy the way he acts whenever a fancy seizes him. One minute, he can be hard at work tracing numbers and letters. The next minute, he can don his makeshift lion dance costume and dance enthusiastically. Time doesn’t hold him captive. His imagination roams free. His limbs act on their own accord.
Today, I have to decide whether to set the mid-year paper or update the student workbook. Both deadlines are looming and occupy valuable cognitive space. I will probably get them done by next week because I’m a good worker, but I hope that my son does better than me. That he will manage his priorities and responsibilities expertly - unfettered by time - and still dance whenever he feels like it.
Homeschooling is the way
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Awesome. What’s one thing you have been able to do for your child(ren) that conventional schools have failed to inculcate?
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Resilience is an admirable and sensible quality to hope for in your boy. He will need it, and those who will depend on him in the future will need it from him.
In addition to instilling resilience, I want my kids to have control over their attention. By this, I don't just mean to cite concentration. In myself and others, I see us surrendering ourselves (our time and cognition) over to something that will suck it indiscriminately and without providing much value.
Doomscrolling is a nice example of this. When initially opening up a YouTube, Instagram, or TikTok-esque platform, the choice system is subtle. With every swipe and every click, we are choosing "yes" or saying "here is more of me."
Attention is a paramount power. Look at your kids first learning to ride a bike, skateboard, or scooter: they go to where their eyes are. If they are looking to the right, they veer right. If they are going to the left, they veer left. "Look ahead" is the best advice my dad ever gave me. He told me this when learning to drive and to race. It meant looking where I was going and looking to where the turn went. It kept me prepared but present.
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Resilience is immutable trait.
You have it or you don’t but with shades of gray.
I lack resilience. But occasionally I can be resilient for a day maybe a week or month. But I am not a naturally resilient person.
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Thanks for your inputs. Have you heard of Angela Duckworth’s TED talk on grit before? https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=H14bBuluwB8&pp=ygUqZ3JpdCB0aGUgcG93ZXIgb2YgcGFzc2lvbiBhbmQgcGVyc2V2ZXJhbmNl. She puts forth the argument that if we have a growth mindset and develop a higher resistance towards not being fearful of making mistakes, we will improve our resilience.
So Singapore schools are quite conscientious about getting students to think positively and accept challenges as stepping stones. Ofc I agree that increasing resilience is easier said than done since some people won’t be receptive to such facilitation efforts
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I've never heard of it as an immutable trait. Is that your thinking or does it have some psychological grounding? Not challenging, just situating.
I've always put resilience of skill (or set of skills) and character trait. It's something that you can teach people to hone and improve through technique, but then there are some that make it look natural, where maybe they learned those and other techniques very early.
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My thinking and my experience
As far as teaching resilience, how effective? I doubt you can teach someone to be resilient. Can you teach someone to be mentally tough? Unlikely
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I think someone can teach another to be mentally tougher!
The military, especially elite forces, apply training techniques that make their guys mentally tougher. I admit that to get to that level, there is a degree of criteria of mental toughness needed as a prerequisite, but I would argue that they weren't that mentally tough at age 10 or 15. They had to develop it.
Some of the techniques that they use:
  • Extreme Physical Training
  • Stress Inoculation
  • Visualization and Mental Rehearsal Exercises (I remember reading a great article about how firefighters deal with fear and panic, and how visualization exercises help them overcome it)
  • Breathing Techniques (box breathing comes to mind)
  • Adversity Training
  • Goal Setting
  • Team Bonding
  • After-Action Reviews (basically debriefs that allow them to metacognitively improve)
A more grounded or close-to-home example might be running with a friend. Helping that friend, who is exhausted, to make a goal a bit further (just get to the mailbox) and then to extend that goal (now to the end of the block) and so on--that is helping them learn to chunk a difficult task into tasks that seem more manageable. Getting them to recognize that voice inside their head that says that they can't, and then helping them do it anyway--that shows them the difference between self-talk and actual ability.
I would be interested to know @brandonsbytes's thoughts on this. I think he's done some pretty intense training that required him to take his mind/body to the next level.
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I just got inspired by you to send the following message to my dancers to prep their minds for a school performance next Fri. Thanks mate
Morning!
The training is tough, but the end is near.
Positive visualisation
Imagine yourself slaying the dance moves with a gigantic smile on your face. This will increase the fun factor!
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What is the military treatment for ptsd ?
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Children have terrible peripheral vision so your point here is very good. Learning to see while being focused is a survival skill.
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I learnt this from you today too!
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I had no idea their peripheral vision was still developing too. I thought it was just an attention thing. Fascinating!
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You know what? I stole your “Look ahead” phrase when I marshalled my dance club students from outside the hall to the back of the stage for their performance just now. Haha
You reminded me that I should acknowledged your attention comment made a couple of days back. So I did. Now I’m curious. Since when the maintaining of one’s attention has been so salient in your mind?
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I want my children to be able to live comfortably while pursuing their passions and talents, while creating great relationships and maintaining great family ties. I want them to have independent minds and critical thinking skills that make them unafraid to be right when most everyone else is wrong. Where I am, none of that is encouraged by schools.
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I’m sorry to hear that the schools in your nation suck 😅.
Are you doing anything in particularly to ensure that your child develops those crucial critical thinking skills?
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  • Adult conversations. Talking to them with the assumption that they will understand and glean with context. Challenging ideas while validating them. Allowing free thought and experimentation, considering ideas and statements and not shutting them down. Asking questions.
  • Encouraging reading
  • TikTok / YouTube. A variety of perspectives and an understanding that scams exist, that many content creators are using their creativity to induce your click.
  • Variety of experience. Ensuring that it's not only what I can see that they are exposed to.
  • Each other. Natural competition in 'being right' has brought them to a level of lawyering beyond what I could ever engineer :D
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138 sats \ 1 reply \ @398ja 28 Feb
I think It's important to find the right balance between what we want for our kids and what they want for themselves. Kids have a mind of their own, and that should be acknowledged and respected.
This said, we cannot deny the importance of parental guidance. To me, guidance is, first of all, to be present in their life and emulate the behaviour we want them to adopt. (If your kid doesn't behave in a way that you think is appropriate or right, most likely, it's you, the caregiver, who is to blame!)
Kids should have no doubt about our love for them, and I'm confident that those who develop a strong and secure foundational bond with their caregivers will fulfill their God-given potential here on earth.
In all truthfulness, this is all easier said than done, especially for parents who themselves have not experienced a similar bond with their own caregivers, but it can be learned!
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You remind me of the attachment theory and how people who suffer childhood trauma must unpack their suffering, unlearn the bad habits they inherited from their parents so as to break the vicious cycle
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That really resonated with me. My daughter is definitely a free spirit. Her various teachers tell us what they're working on with her and their struggles getting her to do what they want.
It's possible that I'm too dismissive of their concerns, but I don't think it's on her to just conform to what others are trying to get her to do. Why isn't it on the teachers to make their activities worthwhile?
As far as I'm concerned, as long as she's enjoying the activities and getting along with the other kids, I don't really care how difficult it is for the adults. It is their job after all. Her dance teacher has done a great job of conveying that she has to cooperate if she wants to keep dancing. Since she does want to keep dancing, she's doing better at following directions.
I hope my daughter will value her time and her goals without undue pressure to conform to arbitrary expectations.
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I remember you saying how you have to be your daughter’s spokesperson sometimes, which kinda makes you annoyed because this makes you feel that the other adults are not trying to meet the point where your daughter is at.
The dance teacher sounds really lovely. Acknowledging your girl’s spirit while insisting that she abide by class routines. We all need a taskmaster to instil discipline in our little ones haha. N sometimes all a kid needs is the feeling of being understood by an adult figure
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Fortunately, she's a very charming kid. Even the teachers who struggle with her still seem to like her and she makes friends with other kids very easily.
I have no problem with teachers setting expectations for their classroom and trying to maintain them. If she's too disruptive, they can ask us to take her out (which her dance teacher has done before).
In my opinion, the important lesson she needs to learn is not the specific rules of each classroom, but rather the importance of cooperating with people who have something valuable to offer you.
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Here is also a bit like that, kids in preschool start to write and spell the first words, my boy is 3yo and it's his first year in kindergarten and they already learn a few words in English. Me as a kid never went to kindergarten or preschool, my days were spent in my grandma and I would play all day with other kids outside and i had a very happy childhood and never felt like I was behind in school in regard to other kids that went to preschool. Nowadays i feel some parents overbook their children with tasks and extracurricular activities even later ages. I don't want that, Im more concerned that he plays and that he can spend time outside. About my hopes, on a pratical side, I hope he learns how to cook and how to dance since I can't none of them. I also hope he learns agriculture, some basic construction and coding. On a broader perspective I just hope my boy grows happy, that he becomes a good human being, a good person with good values, that he can reason well and be curious to question and learn things, I hope he has enough maturity to be open and to deal with his emotions and not be afraid to be himself.
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“Not afraid to be himself”
I feel this really says it all. We all hope that our children can retain their spirit and be themselves fearlessly and not be embittered by life
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In my view, it is less important to be comfortable and pursue happiness than to be useful and find ways to help others. Children are born selfish and greedy - which is necessary for survival - not passing judgement. Once Maslow's lower levels of the hierarchy are satisfied, it takes good influences and role models to instill empathy and compassion. These are the values we need to flourish as a society.
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Thanks for sharing the pyramid. I confess that I have only been thinking about grooming my children at the individual level instead of pondering how they can serve a role in the wider community. Thanks, food for thought
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I am so far from actualization
FML
Love the pyramid
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As I am also part of 'densely populated crowd of Asia and working as teacher', I feel that parents need to work a little harder with their kids before they become adults. Yes, making them resilient against the setbacks is the way forward. But we as teachers also need to preach parents about how to make their kids resilient. And for this, I have a strategy. Kindly allow me to share it here. In Parent- Teachers meet ups, I personally take an hour of motivational session for parents. In the session, we share ideas how we can make our kids a better citizen fo the future. The theme of 'better parenting' is discussed over there. In the meet up parents share difficulties and someone shares solution. Last time, we discussed about balancing 4 aspects of better development.
  1. Mental Growth
  2. Physical Growth
  3. Emotional Growth
  4. Technical Growth
One of the parents asked how they could cope with today's technical demands if they do not use too much of modern gadgets. One other parent suggested them that to join a group where older people discuss and learn modern technology. The problem solved.
I hope you can understand that my intention in the monthly PTM's stree more upon putting a collective approach so as to enhancing parenting capabilities.
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I applaud how you organise these PTM pow wow sessions. You create an open space for busy parents to discuss varied concerns that have been lingering in their minds. More importantly, you open the floor to solutions, which doesn’t put the onus on you to dispense all the advice. What subject do you teach?
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Thanks! I teach English and Economics.
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128 sats \ 2 replies \ @OgFOMK 28 Feb
There is no right way to raise your children except when you outsource the raising of your children to other adults. Children are prime real estate for mind control. They are naive customers and endless consumers. The slave habits they are developing now will bind them for the rest of their lives until they take full ownership of their actions.
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Harsh truths, huh?
If there’s one thing you could have changed about raising your children, what would you have done differently?
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I wouldn't change anything. It's done. I don't believe in revision thinking.
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Focus on Maslow pyramid more than resilience
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Which level of Maslow hierarchy? Personally I feel that if children are resilient enough, they won’t mind if some of their self-actualisation needs are not met. Because they will have the mental capacity and emotional strength to forge other dreams
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Psychological needs
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To support them in finding and growing in their God given talents. Also making them resilient!
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Let’s say your children’s talents cost tons of money to be nurtured. To what extent are you willing to pump in the money?
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I can’t bring money to the grave. Education is very expensive and so are kids. I believe they say it costs $250,000 to raise a child to 18 in America, but that is dated so probably much more. It’s a balance and you may need to get creative depending on the talent.
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50 sats \ 0 replies \ @OT 28 Feb
I used to teach some English in China in my 20's. One of the main take aways I took away from that experience is the difference between East & West. In China, I felt sorry for the kids as It seemed that they didn't have time to enjoy themselves. They really did have little play time. Even some parents were sending their 6 month old babies to listen to the English class before they can even speak!
The teenagers were very respectful towards the teacher so I was capable of teaching large classes of about 50-60 students. I don't think I could handle 5 Aussie teens!
So kids in the west might have a bit too much free time so often lack discipline. Kids in the East have less play, so often lack creativity (a generalization of course).
As for my kids, I plan to homeschool them. It might be harder than I think as my wife also has a different understanding of education. I'd like to nurture their interests and keep them interested in their chosen fields. The essentials like writing and math I might outsource when they get too good. As for building resiliance.... I guess that will need to come through some kind of competition. I just hope that can be done in a respectful & easy going way.
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Can you teach or instill resilience?
Confident people are resilient.
Can you teach confidence?
Motivation is a big part of resilience.
Resilience is a limited commodity.
I myself used to be resilient but no more. I have lost the energy and motivation and confidence to be resilient
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But well, you are still holding on to your cowboy hat. That has got to count for something
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It’s not much but it’s something
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Stay out of jail.
Associate only with high quality people
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Stackers - including me - are examples of high calibre people haha
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👍👍👍
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0 sats \ 0 replies \ @KLT 4 Mar
Great read. One thing I want to share with my son is to always ask questions and if the answer doesn’t seem to resonate, continue to ask questions as you’ll eventually get to the truth. Similar to how we all found bitcoin by asking what is money? Don’t be afraid to go down a rabbit hole because that’s where the truth lays.
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How important is school for academic achievement?
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i want my kid to know how to love their self and have a good foundation for finding fulfillment in life...whatever that may be.