In a particularly frustrating moment, I threw caution to the wind and wrote about my struggles as a father: #304937. I didn’t expect many Stackers to read it actually, so I was floored and bowled over by the outpouring of good advice, support and encouragement. Even the more critical ones were written with compassion and well wishes. I can’t exactly explain why, but my heart feels so much lighter this week.
I digested every comment and pondered it over and over again. Thank you for sharing a piece of your heart.
Tips to Cope with Parenthood
  1. Talk to a counsellor
  2. Talk to older fathers who have experience you don’t have yet
  3. Have a heart-to-heart talk with your wife, even if the conversation is going to be difficult
  4. Break the mundane routine. Embark on adventures with your children.
  5. Get a baby sitter and take an hour or 2 with your wife
  6. Collaborate with other parents to take turns to look after each other’s children. Schedule play dates
  7. Spend less time on social media and focus on being present for your kids
  8. Wake up earlier than the rest of the household and do something that fills your cup
  9. Reset your priorities and cut out the things you used to love doing but aren’t the best use of your time.
  10. Think about the alternative. Do you really want to usher in old age, having focused on your career but still unceremoniously disposed of by the workplace because you are increasingly seen as irrelevant?
  11. Read to make your mind feel relaxed.
  12. Similarly, instil a love of reading in your child so that he will want to read non-stop (and give you some space in the process).
  13. Trust that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Remember the Stoic philosophy - (“the obstacle is the way”).
  14. Hang in there. Hang in there. Hang in there.
And yes, I will schedule a counselling session soon. Many thanks.
Kudos on the post and taking the time to reflect.
One thing that has always intrigued me as a non-parent (for now), is how easy it can be to optimise for a life of joint-learning with your child.
So that you’re not just reading and teaching for their benefit but yours also. Imagine it’s way more easy once they reach 6/7 years.. but much like the adventures you mention… I imagine that would lead to a very healthy dynamic. Even for those not home-schooling, for kids and parents alike.
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I have a friend who homeschooled her two kids and accomplished something like this, although she is very smart and driven and architected her entire life to make it possible.
It's an interesting example of what's possible. Inspiring and also humbling.
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For many of us 6/7 years old feels like an eternity from now.
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Omg ikr 😅
Gonna think of the positives since “what the mind focuses on expands”
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That’s true what you said. I have learnt so much about hippos and dinosaurs after my son came into the picture - because he loves them. Perhaps I need to focus on this kind of personal growth. Thanks for responding
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Thanks for following up, it's helpful to see these things all laid out like this, giving a sense of continuity.
And, I'm glad you took a chance. I haven't seen a post like this before. It helps expand the sense of possibility of what SN could do or be.
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This crowdsourced support will not replace therapy, but it makes me want to become stronger
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I like how you and another Stacker put forth the perspective of parent = warrior. It does help me feel better 😽
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No bigger or better investment. Show PoW!
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Omg you just gave me the idea of writing an article that compares and contrasts children and Bitcoin
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I don't have children of my own but my girlfriend has two amazing boys (8 and 11 yo). We all have a very good relationship from two years ago and I learn a little bit more everyday about the struggles of parenthood. I know my position is relatively easier as they see me as a good friend and some kind of father figure, even if I know that's not my role since their father is still around. Do you have any insights on this type of situation? reply
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Thanks for asking me. It gives me something else to ponder about. First things first, do you see yourself marrying your girlfriend as the “end goal”? If marriage is in the works, then you need to think about the kind of family you will forge with your girlfriend and her kids as well as the role you will play in there. Do you hope to have kids of your own? If yes, you have to set the tone right now to prevent conflicts from cropping up down the road when rebellious teens (when your girlfriend’s kids grow up) accuse you of being inconsistent.
Another question, how will you describe their father’s personality and parenting style?
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Thank you for your kind reply. You raise some critical questions there, a lot of food for thought... Marriage is not on the table yet, but I see sharing my life with her. Having kids is not a priority atm, but I don't rule it out either. I know this could have an impact on her children down the road, so I just want to be careful. On the other hand, their father is rather distant with them and his relationship with their mother is quite complicated even after 5+ years of their divorce. I just know that I've developed a strong special connection with those kids, and I want to honor it.
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Sounds like you are a constant and consistent presence in these kids’ lives. I think the most important thing to take note is to be firm AND kind. Have fun with them while setting clear boundaries for their sake at the same time. It’s a thought tightrope to navigate, so just do your best. Since you have a special connection with them, you can make mistakes and bounce back from them
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Great pieces of advice, thank you. I'll keep doing my best!
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I'm going to throw a few more random ideas out there, for you to consider or not, as you wish. But I think they're helpful, and since popular culture is pushing the opposite nowadays, I'll mention them.
Don't get a dog. It's way more work and hassle than you think. I just interacted at length with a family with a young kid, and also a baby. Mom was trying to nurse the baby, the (2 year old) large dog felt jealous or bored, and interrupted repeatedly. Imagine this, every time you want to feed your baby. What a nightmare. Constant interruptions, constant inability to go places or do things because of the dog. I think 90% of the family's issues were because of the dog.
Be very aware (and wary) of constant digital distractions for kids. Anything like Ipads, phones, etc. I see so many kids being zombified by electronics. If you attempt to take them away, the kids throw scary fits. Yes, they're addicted. Thousands, if not tens of thousands, of people are making a living of off getting your child addicted to spending endless hours on the screen. Tell them NO. Find ways. Yes, the social norms now are insanely leaning towards allowing even the youngest kids to spend endless time on screens. But kids who are raised with screens (or BY screens, maybe) are very different, in a negative sense, from kids who have strictly limited screen time. Of course, this means you need to model that kind of behavior yourself.
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I agree totally about the screen time. It’s not good for children to be stimulated all the time and suffer from fractional attention. Today I brought a book to read instead of playing with my phone while he is playing at the indoor playground. Though I’m stealing a moment to type this reply to you haha
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The book idea is great, I also bring a book with whenever I'm likely to have down time.
Bonus - it's amazing how much respect you get for doing ANYTHING other than scrolling on a phone.
Instead of a paper book, I bring a kindle. I use the old-style kindle, with buttons, no touchscreen, no wifi. So, it's basically a book, with zero ability to browse the web.
I put books on it via a cable, using Calibre. The model is Amazon Kindle D01100 4th Generation. You can get them on Ebay for $15 to $25. Loads of books are available through libraries.
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Great advice, great community for reaching out. There are definitely moments where you feel inadequate and over your head. Hang on there though, there will be moments that fill you with such live and joy that it'll make it all worthwhile. Someone once told me once 'the days are long but the years are short'.
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Great quote from Elizabeth Gilbert! I’ll try my best to remember that
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I just wanna keep my cowboy hat 🤠
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Lost my cowboy hat today. Just when I was getting confident haha
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Got it back again! Need to beat my personal best
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Glad to read from you again. May I share this book with you? You might find it interesting... All the best.
Peaceful parenting, by Stefan Molyneux. https://fountain.fm/show/8CvP90PLbnXVKsQe7DBj
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Exercise- there are 168 hours in a week. You can drop and do push ups if you have 30 seconds. Health is the ultimate wealth! You need to be at your best for your family.
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Yes! I have taken to changing to my running gear to run to the subway station after work (instead of just walking) - much to the amusement of my colleagues
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Great. Yeah I have two young boys, but my wife and I still get our exercise “me” time in!
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Thanks a lot! Being a mother these tips will be so much helpful to me.
Parenthood is the most difficult task ever. isn't it?
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  1. get a notebook to write your thoughts in and bring it with you to your kids events. it will help with the brain fog and forgetting things that can be done in the moment.
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Give the child attention
100% agree with a lot of the sentiments in your OP.
personally, carving out space for both my and my wife's passions has been key--as well as taking steps to mitigate both of us being totally worn out (1 person sleeps with baby the other in another room) have helped a lot.
I'll definitely take some of your tips above.
Maybe its time for a Bitcoiner Dads TG group?