Forwards to @siggy47 on behalf of @cryotosensei
Been almost 4 weeks since I posted about this, and the particular moment has provided enough tension that I felt I should share a bit.
We're in the good end of the cycle right now. 3 weeks per cycle. The first 10 days are hard. The 2nd 10 days are basically like normal life, but trying to get caught up from the previous 10 days and trying to prepare for the next 10 days.
Towards the end of the first 10 days, I started to crack a bit. It's a lot to have wife bedridden with 2 kids. They understand as best they can, but they want their mom. I feel like the extended family was less helpful during this cycle than they were during the first cycle, and I snapped a bit towards the end of it. Here are some notes that I wrote down at the time:
Wed Apr 3 Been going down a not-great path the last few days. Wife’s cancer treatment entering a phase where it feels endless. Normal tasks or breakdowns starting to feel huge, on top of just surviving. Thought I’ve been doing fine, but might be holding on by a few threads. Had a fine morning, then starting slowly spiraling as I got the kids ready for school - needing to depart at a certain time to get to school and then work, my brain went into survival mode as the kids resisted getting dressed, eating breakfast, etc. Try to stay level headed with them. Once I got them dropped off, did some verbal moaning in the car to express my emotions, then parked in the corner of the parking lot and briefly cried to myself. Have been functional most of the day here, feeling okay as long as I don’t confront the list of tasks that remain incomplete. Now, I have never been a person who needs things to go perfectly - but was definitely struggling at that point in time. Still have at least 3 more cycles to go, so trying to learn and adjust.
Admittedly, I was dosing THC every day for a while. I stopped doing that and I think I've felt better overall. It certainly helps me get through a tough evening with the kids, but then I start inching earlier and earlier. I look at my work schedule and will get stoned in the morning if I can. Turns into a bad spiral.
I also find social media + my phone to be a pretty negative influence on my mental health. I had been indulging in Nostr quite a bit, so took the step to delete it from my phone, and think this has been a big boost to my mental health.
Haven't done much self care other than getting to the gym as much as I can, but having some back muscle problem (rhomboid) so have had to take a few days off, and have been in some constant pain, which just adds to the misery of everything - but I spent some money on myself, buying some good clothes (nice underpants!) and bought 2 meshtastic nodes, which feeds a bit of my nerdy side and a bit of my prepper side, so that is fun and probably something that I normally would have thought about for a long time but I just did it.
The kids and I have had a few great days outside lately, working in the garden (we are keeping it super basic this year), playing in the yard, building fires, etc. ... and just reminds me how much I hate the rat race and that it'll still be a decade before I can retire on my bitcoin and they will be teenagers and 'hate' me by then 😐
Which brings us to the last two nights ...
I have been pretty good about hitting my bedtime lately, which means I have been asleep by 11PM lately.
Last night I was struggling to fall asleep because my back hurt like hell, and was half dozing, when I heard a weird cough, cough, hack... - I knew that sound. It was the sound of barf.
I went to my 8 y/o room and found him asleep, with a puddle of vomit next to his pillow.
Strip 'em. Wipe 'em down. Put 'em in mom's bed. (he is asleep the entire time...)
Strip the bed, scoop barf into the trash, start the laundry, put new sheets on the bed.
He ends up throwing up more in the bathroom, then totally fine after that. Not sick at all today.
Tonight, we get them all to bed. I am finally sitting down to decompress, and the younger one wets the bed.
Strip 'em. Wipe 'em down. Put 'em in mom's bed.
Strip the bed, start the laundry, put new sheets on the bed.
Fun times.
...
As I'm doing all this, I've adopted a mentality of "I am serving my family". This is part of our life, it sucks a lot, and more problems are always going to get piled on top - but we have great support, we have friends bringing us meals, taking the kids, helping however they can. I feel lucky, in the scheme of the world and and know that in 5 or 10 years we'll talk about this and I'll think "damn, it wasn't really that hard" - partly due to the way time softens everything and partly because it is all an opportunity to grow.
I love my family. Please give yours the same.