Thought about a few different territories before I posted this. If it does not fit please let me know, just looking for somewhere to put this.
I just need to write where someone might read it. My wife has been struggling with pain for many months now. Today we were shocked to find out she has cancer. There are a lot of tests pending, including the biopsy, so some grain of hope there that it is not cancer. She is asleep now and the kids are at their grandparents. Sitting here by myself, writing this, I am just feeling crushed. We are so young, so many things planned for this year and the future... I know this is not a death sentence, but is going to be incredibly hard on everyone involved even without having any idea of what lays ahead. Seems at the minimum, surgery in the next 10 days. Then probably lots of treatments, which will make her sicker. The fear in her face when the doctor came to tell us the news - it was so outside of what we thought would happen, what we thought was going on.
For all of us, I need to put in more rigor around my days. Managing the kids is by far the hardest part of it all, letting them be kids and be free, while still getting us in and out of the house on time. Giving them the space to explore, to be children, to be with their mother. They know she has been in pain and have been great about it, but I think it is going to get so much harder from here.
So many different things going through my mind - the kids, her comfort, my sanity, money, my job ... the list keeps going. We were supposed to go to Europe this Spring.
I am not a particularly emotional person, in the sense that I don't cry in public but rather keep it until these moments when I am by myself. When the doctor was talking and my wife was crying, I was focused on comforting her and my brain was being very rational - they said it's contained, we don't know much, we'll do the process, one step at a time, and then we'll be through this - but even dipping my toe into the internet reveals a very scary future, if the kids will grow to know their mother as a sickly person, or will she fully recover and exercise and live to 100 years old? We've been so healthy, so thoughtful, and yet here we are.
Today she said "Am I going to die?", "I have babies...", "I was looking forward to growing old with you." - my heart breaks with every line.
Thank you for giving me a space to post.